Fumes

Love so appreciate,
appreciate kindness.
Love so, in love so,
so-so, so in love, so?
So appreciate kindness,
and love and kindness so.

Sniffing gasoline
wasn’t a habit
more of a way
to get gasoline from
rental cars.
And I’d do it all again,
just that one time more…

So appreciate kindness,
love so appreciate, so, so,
so appreciate and love so,
so much.

Masturbating
in the back
of a moving van, not
for the love but
for the kindess so,

Love so and so
And appreciate the kindness
Appreciate the love,
So in love and kindness so…

Dog food dishes
Filled with roaches,
Sides too high to escape
Fences too long
To go around so,

Love so appreciate,
Appreciate kindess
So and so and love
So appreciate the love

The sound of the train
Horn, wailing as I stare
From the ground,
Gravel, ants and weeds…

So appreciate me so
Appreciate the kindness
Because so, because
love isn’t coming.

Does that chick have sideburns?

My friend is a professional, she’s also looking for that special guy, she’s not afraid to ask them on dates, and then she mopes around when they say she’s taking it too fast by leaning in for a kiss or they shirk off further dates by saying they’re busy (they can’t be more busy than her, she’s a medical resident). But when she’s talking about all this, I can’t get past the fact that she goes on these dates with facial hair! It’s not like she hasn’t heard of hair removal techniques, her parents are from India, where hair removal is more a part of life than here. There are other things she takes care of, like grooming her eyebrows or highlighting her hair, but she’ll let the other stuff grow.


She also smacks her lips very audibly when she’s eating with others and the makeup she wears is always badly blended and a shade or two too light. It just pains me when she talks about a failed date and can’t put a finger on what went wrong. She’s a close friend, but I don’t know how to talk to her about this because I don’t know if she’s trying to make a statement with that look or what. I’m also worried about how she’s treated on her job because of it.


Does anyone have any advice? In another time and place, finishing school would be the answer, but I don’t even know if those exist anymore, and I don’t think she’d be very open to it, anyways.

I’m working out my own Adult Child (ACOA) stuff which it sounds like your friend may be battling as well. Just google those words if you are interested in learning more. The following is my own conjecture and my own experience.

When I look at my own behavior I have a tendency towards the idea that essentially, my actions, people’s actions betray a truth and their words are usually only a half-truth.

If she is going out looking ugly and eating with no manners, then that is specific behavior and it is telling the truth of her unconsciously motivated actions. So what is the agenda for that? Why would someone’s unconscious mind make them act gross, look ugly while looking for a special guy?

Because the truth is part of her wants to be alone. The pressure is too much. Part of her may be desperate for a partner but another part is desperate to be alone and to not be looking and not worrying about the rejection and the fear.

A lot of people (me) straddle the line, behaviorally, between abandonment and inundation - one moment scared to be alone and then the next, desperate for aloneness and space. Add that to fear of rejection and a child will create a complex psychological construct where they are constantly undermining their own wants (lover/partner) by doing whatever they can (facial hair, manners, isolating, over drinking, being gross…) to keep it away.

My unconscious behavior to keep me alone was just getting real drunk and getting in loveless friendship type drinking relationships. After I quit drinking my strategy was to isolate and be mean to people.

It’s a battle everyday for me to be social, try to date and be interested in a relationship. I could see where someone would be gross, maybe fart or even eat too much, drink too much as a strategy to stay alone.

All of this is opinion. I hope something here helps someone. The Adult Child phenomena is the next big step for us as humans.

Different Christmas

As I got older I started to tie the tree to the credenza with some twine. I was tired of picking shattered ornaments out of the orange shag carpet and replacing colored bulbs.

We had Christmases, I always got everything I wanted. Those were the times, money was pouring in from the under-the-table finances of my father’s business. Cash was everywhere. Under the bed, in the dry-sink, Under the sink in the bathroom. Mom would scoop some up and ask, “what do you want for Christmas?”

Of course Mom was having a blast spending dad’s money, cause she knew he had earmarked that money to pay off the lean that the IRS had put on our house after he scammed them by not paying the payroll taxes for several years. Boy would he be surprised.

But hell, he was always surprised because he got ties or cartons of cigarettes - always wrapped neatly. Mom said he loved these items when we asked her what he wanted. She seemed to be smiling too much when he opened his gifts. He would smile too and then quietly move to the sofa to watch the East-West Shrine game, some obscure Christmas college football sleeper that meant about as much to anyone as what my father got for Christmas.

But damn was it a special day. The best part was when we went outside to show off our gifts to the other neighborhood kids. I ruled the day. Them with their silly clothes, or maybe the one kid would get a new bike. All I had to do was flash two or three gifts and they all would wilt like flowers in the hot Florida humidity. Maybe that’s why they were always beating me up? Naah! They were just boys being boys…

The day continued with a big home cooked breakfast; the works. Bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, toast…and egg nog. I could only have a little egg nog cause it made my ears burn. Mom and I would make snacks for the neighbors that might come over. We made this onion dip that would knock your shorts off; which is good because your shorts would be around your ankles for days after anyway…

For lunch I would sneak a couple a’ more egg nogs and usually would get really sleepy in the afternoon, probably in anticipation of the coming turkey dinner. It was usually around this time that my mom would hide the eggnog so I couldn’t find it. Kind of a silly game if you ask me but she was funny like that.

I guess we should have gotten cartons of beer for Dad instead of ties and cigarettes cause he would always run out by late afternoon. Thank goodness the local liquor store was open and full of holiday cheer as he would send me to get some cheer by early evening. Ah the days when the local liquor store would sell to a 10 year old who came in for his father. For years I bought beer for my dad, even when he didn’t ask me to.

Finally the day would end with us around the Christmas tree to give thanks for what we had and didn’t have. Mom and Dad played a game where they would get real close and point fingers in each others faces. They would continue to review the past year and remind each other of the things that they remembered the most. Usually it involved other people and my father’s ability to carry on multiple relationships at one time. Ah the love. It would all culminate with a game of ring around the Christmas tree and end when one of them would grab the tree and fling it to the floor. I guess that was some kinda tradition from the old country? Who knows.

I gave my thanks quietly because of the twine that held up the Christmas tree. I had grown tired of picking the ornament shards from the orange shag carpet and tired from the days event. Oh wait, there’s that eggnog. Maybe I’ll have one before I hit the bed…

(1990)

The Bellow

Let the pain out and it will feel better. I have and probably will be there again and that is when I have done my best healing. I can relate to you that for the me the despair and feeling like it would never end is difficult.

I have to agree with this statement and need to add to it. I think I did some of my best healing when I finally felt, in my body, the difference between restricting my flow of emotions versus truly letting it come out and feel expressed.

I had several sessions over a couple of years where I was able to really let go and pour out my emotions for the first time. Now-a-days I can actually hit this ‘release valve’ more often which improves my mood and lessens my ruminations.

I once held a friend that had always been taught to bottle up her true emotions and when she finally let go, as she did in the midst of a mass-depression, it was the scariest thing I ever witnessed - full-throated, deep resonate cry. She yelled to the heavens and released an ancient roar with a bellow that shook me to my foundations.

It sent shivers up my spine and helped make me understand what I had been holding on to and not letting happen. I value my newfound ability to cry more often more than anything in my life - give me a full-throated bellow any day of the week!

My Nietzsche

Humility:

I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.

Brevity:

It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what others say in a whole book.

Community:

Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.

Punditry:

The most perfidious way of harming a cause consists of defending it deliberately with faulty arguments.

Creativity:

One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.

Defense mechanisms:

Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.

Beliefs:

Faith means not wanting to know what is true.

Mind:

Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler.

Still making me shake my head and mumble in agreement.

Also, here’s a hilarious and perfect website that combines Nietzsche quotes and Family Circus cartoons:

http://www.losanjealous.com/nfc/

The combo works surprisingly well.

Emotional maturity

It is a sign of spiritual maturity when the individual experiences for
him - or herself a powerful urgency to evolve.
A sign of maturity, in a spiritual context, is knowing how precious
every moment actually is.

Andrew Cohen

www.deeshan.com

acceptance of self

There is no need of any competition with anybody.
You are yourself, and as you are, you are perfectly good.
Accept yourself.

- Osho

www.deeshan.com

Kid apocalypse

I want to love you but there isn’t
time, not in the pseudo-gloaming

here in the future-life fractured
by latch-free kids, kids who race

on mutant dogs named Spike and
Love-america-style and, of course

Spike always wins. This isn’t just
another excuse it’s the contrite

melodrama I wrote for me when
I was ten so don’t quote me or trust

me to find facts. I learned to feel
from a beaten cat, I learned to dodge

a truth of poor parenting. My apocalypse
is 3 feet long and can last up to nine days,

so don’t leave it to me to find happiness or
water and things that we need. I can

find misery and opiates because that
is what I do, I have no nuclear agenda.

Am I an Adult Child? - Character Styles

There are 3 types of character styles for adult children focusing on the opposites of abandonment and inundation. Abandonment and inundation, in this context, are defined as:

inundation - an overwhelming number or amount; “a flood of requests”; “a torrent of abuse”

and

abandonment - to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert: to abandon one’s farm; to abandon a child; to abandon a sinking ship.

Adult children were born of parents that had no boundaries and flaked between either completely leaving their children to their own devices and/or creating unhealthy relationships with them where the child would act as a surrogate husband/wife/mothering influence. These adult children now find themselves with a range of little to no boundaries or harshly defined absolute boundaries that nobody can broach.

What follows is a handy dandy list (we love lists) to give the reader an idea of the types of personalities that develop as a result of this parental mismanagement. I will let these “Character Styles” speak for themselves as you can read them and ask, “Am I an adult child?”:

(from “The Couples Book: Before the Vows Break - Rosenberg/Kitaen Morse”)

Abandonment character style profile

  1. No matter what, it is never enough
  2. haunted by eternal undefined longings
  3. No boundaries: There’s no such thing as too close
  4. Cling and constellate around something or someone
  5. Gives too much and then feels like a victim
  6. Hyper body awareness, sensuality, vulnerability

Inundation character style profile

  1. Often loyal and dependable but separate and removed: I am what I am
  2. Cut off from feelings and sensations
  3. Defined, rigid boundaries and assumptions
  4. Literal black and white, right or wrong solid way of being
  5. Both physical and emotional armoring: not much goes in or out

BOTH abandonment and inundation character style profile

  1. Automatic no: Nobody can tell me what to do
  2. Have an idea of how things should be and cling to it
  3. Treat self as object, treat others the same way
  4. Authenticity gap (lying) tend to lie up or lie down (make things bigger or smaller)
  5. Intimate relationships are not too close and not too far away
  6. Feels split off from feelings, aliveness, self, body soul (dissociation)

I personally personify the middle ground ofabandonment-inundation as my parents were both absentee one moment and then dragging me around and using me for their own ends the next. Those six styles that encompass the abandonment-inundation style fit me to a tee. Below I will use the abandonment/inundation character styles to examine my own personality tendencies:

  1. Automatic no: Nobody can tell me what to do: If someone tries to tell me what to do I instantly stop them and act like I know-it-all. This is a childhood protective measure to cover the fact that I don’t know what to do. Children in this situation cannot admit to having problems because of fear of exposure to the outside world.
  2. Have an idea of how things should be and cling to it: I have a set of preconceived ideas of how things should be and will fight to the death to keep those ideas intact, even if they are destructive and/or wrong.
  3. Treat self as object, treat others the same way: overwork, work-a-holic, ignoring self needs, dismissing self-love - unable to take compliments, unwilling to give the same.
  4. Authenticity gap (lying) tend to lie up or lie down (make things bigger or smaller): Adult children lie to cover the bad things up by making things seem smaller or less important - they also lie up to make things seem better, bigger and more important. This is a hellacious balancing act and the entire being becomes a series of little lies.
  5. Intimate relationships are not too close and not too far away: straddling the line between abandonment and inundation, relationships become another balancing act where the love is scary and overwhelming, closeness a wave that drowns you. In this case I would push someone away if they get too close from fear that they will take over my life and leave me no alone time. On the contrary, if this same person was to get too far away panic would set in and a clingyness would take over where I would then smother the other person. This balancing act is incredibly hard on me and the object of my affection (being torn in two.)
  6. Feels split off from feelings, aliveness, self, body soul (dissociation): adult children learn early on to ‘wander’ away in their minds to escape terrible situations (violence, abandonment, etc). Because of this ability to wander away (dissociation) when faced with emotional situations, I was always pretty much ‘outside’ my body and thus cut off from bodily feelings and physical warnings signs and pleasurable sensations. Staying present with the moment becomes a epic task and feeling something simple as sadness or glee becomes a foriegn endeavor.

Being able to see the patterns that made up my behavior allowed me to start to change those behaviors and step outside the hell that is being a emotional child, an adult child. With these markers I was able to see what triggers were affecting me and the balancing act I was failing at miserably trying to stay in the middle between abandonment fears and inundation fears.

Coming next: Good Parent Messages (how to clear the fragmentation and dissociation that piles up in layers and makes these little things become huge.)

On our minds and rumination

Mind is repetitive, mind always moves in circles. Mind is a mechanism: you feed it with knowledge, it repeats the same knowledge, it goes on chewing the same knowledge again and again. No-mind is clarity, purity, innocence. No-mind is the real way to live, the real way to know, the real way to be.

- Osho

Next Page »