Drew in Zombieland

That totally reminds me of my dad. All my life I hated the man and with good reason as he hit me and was drunk a lot and loved to make fun of my weight but there was always something really unnatural to the idea that I would hate my own father but I did with all my heart.

Later on in life, as I got better, I started to see the whole picture of my childhood more clearly. Because he was an alcoholic and less than the ideal husband for my mom, she turned me into her surrogate husband - I went everywhere with her, listen to her issues, her problems, commiserated with her about other men and especially about my dad. We would even go so far as ganging up on him and mocking him openly to his face. I would protect my mom at any price and he was no exception.

Now that I’m 40 and so much better inside and out, I can see how that dynamic ruined how I saw my father, how I ganged up on him for my mother and how her issues and inner hatred were transferred to me…a child who needed his father.

These days I have a horrible time relating to men which is all the more weird because I am heavily into sports and guy things but have very few guy friends. I am also rediscovering my ‘guy’ side and trying to do more guy things to offset this empty feeling I have for my father and for the absence of men in my life. I don’t blame my mom so much as she was doing what people do when abandoned by their alcoholic mate but I can now see how much stuff was put on my dad unfairly and without being true. My mom’s hatred became my hatred and my relationship to my dad has never been the same.

Now don’t get me wrong, he was a shithead for the most part but because of this sick and crappy dynamic of an alcoholic family, I was never able to see who he really was and I can now see that that guy was more than just a drunk - he was my dad.

PS - this exact same dynamic can happen in any dysfunctional family - not just for alcoholics.

Sonic youth has been making new and original music since 1978. This 2009 release is more edgy and alternative than anything out there right now and shows what true artists left to their own exploration can do. Also nice to see a mature group of rockers not bent on self-destruction.

Sonic Youth Bio Page

Fucking amazing group - think trip hop meets Beach Boys meets Cocteau Twins after they hang out with Pink Floyd. BTW, I think this song’s about masturbation…

Animal Collective Bio Page

Grizzly Bear reminds me of Simon and Garfunkle meets Sha Na Na mixed with Arcade Fire if the Eagles had a kid with the Pink Floyd. In other words, I LOVE THIS ALBUM.

More Info:

Grizzly Bear Bio Page

The video is Reserve777’s mashup of the song “All We Ask” from Grizzly mixed with the story from Seven (Fincher):

I’m not special to anybody, not even myself.

I want to be special to somebody, to be there favorite person or the one they turn to when they need to turn to their closest person. I want to be loved and adored, to be the one that makes the other feel butterflies or shivers down their spine.

I honestly can’t remember what that’s like. I haven’t been with anyone for about 7 years and the weight of the loneliness is crushing. It creates a unease in my personality and a neediness that is clear for everyone to feel and see when they deal with me.

And really, I should be special to myself, shouldn’t I? I shouldn’t have to wait for someone outside of me to validate that I am indeed special. It should be my own means and my own good self-relationship that defines this self-esteem issue.

But the conflict goes on as I try and repair the horrible self-image, the brutal self-esteem and the negative voices in my head. To integrate the voices and the images I make for myself into a loving and supportive system is fucking hard.

I need a hug.

LA District Attorney Steve Cooley: http://da.co.la.ca.us/

And city attorney Carmen Trutanich: http://atty.lacity.org/OUR_OFFICE/Meet_City_Attorney/index.htm

Are telling the city of Los Angeles that they are gonna get tough on crime and grabbing headlines by going after low hanging fruit (easy pickings) Medical Marijuana (MMJ) users in LA. Even though the state has twice made laws okaying MMJ and even though the courts have upheld these laws, these two newly elected officials have decided that the laws don’t apply to them and their jurisdiction. More bullshit from a twisted baby boomer generation that would sell their mother for a headline.

And what’s more they are fucking lazy. Do some police work and let people smoke their weed. For Christ sakes, the thing in the video about the backlog of rape cases makes me sick. Watch:

A child, your inner child - the one that hurts inside - doesn’t want to hear you being rational and calm. “Fuck them” he says and “fuck them for their selfish bullshit that ripped our family apart and ruined mine and my brother’s fucking lives”.

These parents, as wonderful as you need them to be, HURT these two children and left a HOLE, were gone in their lives where they needed adult supervision (think: latch key kids). And this hole in parenting led to another hole - a hole in their heart.

What the parents did could be rationalized all day long but it hurt you very much and look what it did to your brother! They pretty much, through their own selfish needs, screwed up your personalities.

Now, i say all that to make a point: you are both suffering and both need help. YOU CANNOT fix your brother, he has to do it himself and because people learn through example and not through being forced, the only real way to help him is showing him how it is done, how to heal.

Time for you to take the focus off him and start looking inward my friend. You have to save yourself first and then he will follow.

Sex with these dead people, without a lot of alcohol or drugs like X, would ultimately lead to them dissociating (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_disorder) and/or ‘getting in the head’, thinking too much about the act and the passion would die. The reason that they all had this very common problem was that they had all been molested at some point and because I am a man, they were women.

I was molested but only emotionally as my mom turned me into a surrogate husband (very common in alcoholic families.) She made me her buddy, her confidant and it felt like a relationship. She never touched me sex-wise (well, there were some slow dances that creeped me out…) but this relationship at such a young age set me on my path of manifesting, bringing into my life, immature women with no healthy boundaries.

My life has been filled with finding these emotionally stunted women so that I can take care of them like I did with my mom. And I know these women very clearly now. Some were alcoholics, drug addicts, one was an over eater/purger. My point is that they all needed saving and because they were ‘messed up’ they all had the attribute of dissociating during sex. At some point between 1-16 , they were molested in some way.

Children commonly use dissociation to protect them from horrible moments in their life. It’s this dissociation I saw in all of these injured eyes that I loved. It’s dissociation that helps someone forget how to feel their body, it’s this type of dissociation during a sexual moment that makes it impossible for some people to feel their feelings, their emotions and ultimately the body itself. Dissociation makes an orgasm a foreign idea.

I recognize my own dissociation when all of a sudden my mind is racing away from the moment, from the Now, obsessing over some train of thought and seemingly not in the room with whatever action is going on - like sex. In therapy, when I would approach terrifying subjects, I would dissociate and my therapist would whisper “Drew, where are you? Where did you go?” and as I got better I could battle to remain present.

I always hesitate to call women ‘frigid’ for it is rarely a decent enough word to encompass the truth of what is really going on with the other person. There is so much raw emotion usually around relationships that this word so easily missed. And for the record, guys that dissociate often have the opposite of ‘no orgasm’: premature ejaculation.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

Never before have I found myself so able to concentrate on things for periods of time. My whole life has been a short-attention span existence that frustrated me to no end when trying to write or study or even just stay in the moment.

But since I started Nichiren Buddhism and the twice a day chanting/practice, the amount of time I am able to concentrate has grown longer and longer.

This is not magic, this is habit and the veracity and quality of a 3000 year old practice. Cheers to Buddhism and Nichiren for a wonderful practice.

40 years ago today! 7-14-1969. Born in the Summer of Love!

This has been a pretty rough lead up to my birthday, I guess #40, while you are still a bachelor, has a lot more ‘weight’ on it than any other birthday that I have had lately. I apologize to those around me that may have been on the receiving end of my bad behavior or my grumpy mood.

Sylvia, via Hannah W., sent me this wonderful picture:

Isn’t she cute!?

Now back to moping about my birthday. Hrmph!