He wonders how he made it this long in this state
He wonders how he could survive with so much self pity
He thinks that it makes him so much weaker than he has to be
He thinks that it allows other people to feel power over him
to look down on him and to despise him
He wonders how he kept friends and had relationships
and had jobs and kept living.
He thinks it’s quite common for people to be this way
He thinks that it actually isn’t the exception but more like the rule
He thinks this because he’s always thought that this was the way it was, he saw people all his life that were just this way
He even thinks that pity was his mirror when he was young as opposed to the mirror of a strong person, confidant in there actions and feelings.
Oh well, life sucks and then you take responsibility.
This probably wouldn’t be so hard for him cause he’s made some sweeping changes and some hard changes in his life, but he’s not alone this time…he’s changing while in love with this girl. He likes the changes and really doesn’t mind the pain and the work that it involves but,
He doesn’t want to hurt her, or if he looks at it closely he is scared to lose her with his problems. He knows she is committed but has never kept anything before…No one has ever stuck through his crap, he always felt on egg shells with all the women in his life and that’s the part he’s trying to fix…the expectations that everyone will leave him, to control people so they don’t leave but,
control is an illusion and the only person he can be sure of is himself…Not that she would leave him but that’s the way life really is…until he is sure of his own love for himself and he releases the anxiety that he has to control these things, then he will never have the love he wants.
So he gets scared that she’ll get sick of him and the problem, and then tonight he was going down this path when he said I can’t control her, I can only control myself…He settled and took a deep breath…that was all.