Monthly archives: December 2008

My favorite Albums of 2008 – Part 2

TV on the Radio’s 3rd album “Dear Science” is freakin’ epic. I couldn’t even begin to stick them in a genre – funk, rock, psychedelic, blues, jazz…you pick. They are pretty amazing at changing directions and building things to a monstrous peak only to come crashing down with beauty, base and sexy shaking thunder. Check out the opening song “Halfway Home” – gives me shivers…

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My favorite Albums of 2008 – Part 1

Fleet Foxes was a nice surprise with their new take on folk music combining modern rock with folk simplicity and natural, Earth-y subjects and sounds.

The first song that caught my attention was their “White Winter Hymnal” from their first, self-titled album (they also have an EP entitled “Sun Giant”.)

Check it out:

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Osho on facing Change in your life

Osho is amazing:

This is my observation, that one should never make an effort to change anything because that effort is going to make things difficult rather than easy.

Osho has to be my favorite philosopher because he takes the best from all disciplines and only seems interested in finding the ‘right’ answer as opposed to the one that works within his personal ethos or religion. He is infamous for going against the grain of his own disciplines to find the way to help human beings learn how to live.

When I read it it hearkens back to all years I spent undoing the damage of my childhood and redoing the subtle lessons that add up to make us the persons that we are. But change that’s as old as the person can be difficult especially when it comes to changing those ancient habits. Osho explains:

Your mind is attached to something, and now the same mind tries to detach itself. At the most it can repress, but it can never become a real detachment. For the real detachment to happen, the mind has to understand why the attachment is there. There is no need to be in a hurry to drop it; rather, see why it is there.

The mind cannot just ‘let go’ or ‘forget about’ the thing that you want changed. That’s not how this impressive organ in our skull works. The person looking for change must first figure out WHY their brain harbors such an attachment to the habit to begin with.

Just look into the mechanism, how it works, how it has come in: what circumstances, what unawareness has helped it to be there. Just understand everything around it. Don’t be in a hurry to drop it, because people who are in a hurry to drop things don’t give themselves enough time to understand them.

For example, let’s take my drinking. I could have just stopped drinking cold turkey and gotten into AA and quit. Instead I got into therapy and consumed book after book on what made alcoholics tick. I examined my family life and found all the reasons that my personality type is drawn to booze. After learning all I could and examining my motives in therapy I was able to see why I was so attached to drinking:

Sober 7 years.

Once you understand, suddenly you see that it is slipping our of your hands; so there is no need to drop it.

So true. As I learned more and more, the fear attached to drinking and quitting drinking became less and less severe. The more I learned the less bite my need to drink had and the less I actually longed for a drink. It was like knowledge and honesty take all the power out of habits.

Nothing is there for any other reason other than misunderstanding. Something has been misunderstood; hence it is there. Understand it rightly and it disappears. All that is creating trouble is just like the darkness. bring light to it – and simply light, because with the very presence of light, darkness no longer exists.

Brilliant. I’m telling you it works. A habit, no matter the size, the veracity or the subtlety can be fixed or changed just by shining light, being understood, being examined- in this way you can stop trying, stop fixing and stop shoving to stop yourself from doing something. All you have to do is learn everything you can about the habit then watch it slip away like a dream.

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So much love/hate – gonna burst!

Not gonna be forced to make them do something they do not want to do.

Give that mother fucker here. Don’t want to do nothing, commit to nothing; don’t want nothing to get too close and everything is scary. Everything is so too close and still too close and just can’t commit to, can’t commit to anything.

You know that dread that they carry around and walk around carrying around so tuned into sadness but it’s really full of anger that’s all screwed around pointing inward and they scream for it to be taken off; they read like ‘take-it-off’! Take it off them and point it at the world, inanimate or animals or food or a punching bag.

Dread isn’t just anger turned inward it’s turned inward then repressed and resisted, the very reality questioned, ignored to the point of pain and leaking like a sieve.

Sometimes the cat gets hit. Not hard by any stretch. Mostly just chased around but sometimes, a whack slips.

Anger is so palpable now it tingles and sparkles, heat flushed and burning, the clenching, the headache the handshakes the feeble motions the spittle the drool-able and certain-able pissed-off son of a bitch!

Let it out!

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Holidays hate me

Holidays can go fuck themselves. They don’t like me much and I don’t like them.

This is my karmic reprisal for cleaning up on Christmas as a child. My mother hated my father and would often spend obscene amounts on me for Christmas just to piss him off and boy did it ever. He would stare with his mouth agape, jaw scraping the carpet and eyes bulging as I would plow through a massive pile of goods on those mornings of December realizing that all of his hard-earned cash was now going into my toy box.

So I accept the karmic slap down but do so with a heavy heart. I mean, I have really done a lot of work in the last half-dozen years on myself: quit drinking, smoking, stopped carrying on with damaged women and re-did my life based on strong central morals and honesty! You would think that I’d have broken past this karma-pain a while back, but no, not yet.

These days the holidays are lonely as hell. Los Angeles, with its 18 million people- it shouldn’t be so easy to be alone and have nothing to do but I find a way. I find a way to be utterly alone, I find a way to not see anyone for several days; I find it easy as pie to float through this new born life like the invisible man or a ghost.

And what I really hate is having to answer the dreaded question of “how were your holidays?”, knowing that they sucked and not necessarily wanting to lay a heavy guilt trip on some fucker that had a joyous time, I have to lie – and I don’t want to lie anymore. I don’t blame others that had a good time as they aren’t at fault.

  • I could blame that I quit drinking and have yet to figure out how to make friends and find love without being hammered.
  • I could blame that I am more mature and have higher standards for myself
  • I could just suck it up and wait for times to get better

But I don’t wanna be alone all the time, anymore. I used to as a defense mechanism, constantly be alone but now that that part of me no longer needs such a devout protection system, I want to be with people and be in groups; listen to people talk; blather endlessly about politics, cry about injustice and smile when the weather gets brought up.

No more self-pity, no more hiding out, no more fear and no more waiting for others to do my life. I am my own change and I want a better holiday season this year.


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