Monthly archives: December 2009

Relating to men – as a man

That totally reminds me of my dad. All my life I hated the man and with good reason as he hit me and was drunk a lot and loved to make fun of my weight but there was always something really unnatural to the idea that I would hate my own father but I did with all my heart.

Later on in life, as I got better, I started to see the whole picture of my childhood more clearly. Because he was an alcoholic and less than the ideal husband for my mom, she turned me into her surrogate husband – I went everywhere with her, listen to her issues, her problems, commiserated with her about other men and especially about my dad. We would even go so far as ganging up on him and mocking him openly to his face. I would protect my mom at any price and he was no exception.

Now that I’m 40 and so much better inside and out, I can see how that dynamic ruined how I saw my father, how I ganged up on him for my mother and how her issues and inner hatred were transferred to me…a child who needed his father.

These days I have a horrible time relating to men which is all the more weird because I am heavily into sports and guy things but have very few guy friends. I am also rediscovering my ‘guy’ side and trying to do more guy things to offset this empty feeling I have for my father and for the absence of men in my life. I don’t blame my mom so much as she was doing what people do when abandoned by their alcoholic mate but I can now see how much stuff was put on my dad unfairly and without being true. My mom’s hatred became my hatred and my relationship to my dad has never been the same.

Now don’t get me wrong, he was a shithead for the most part but because of this sick and crappy dynamic of an alcoholic family, I was never able to see who he really was and I can now see that that guy was more than just a drunk – he was my dad.

PS – this exact same dynamic can happen in any dysfunctional family – not just for alcoholics.

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Best Albums 2009 – Sonic Youth – The Eternal

Sonic youth has been making new and original music since 1978. This 2009 release is more edgy and alternative than anything out there right now and shows what true artists left to their own exploration can do. Also nice to see a mature group of rockers not bent on self-destruction.

Sonic Youth Bio Page

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Best Albums 2009 – Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavilion

Fucking amazing group – think trip hop meets Beach Boys meets Cocteau Twins after they hang out with Pink Floyd. BTW, I think this song’s about masturbation…

Animal Collective Bio Page

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Best Albums 2009 – Grizzly Bear – Veckatimest

Grizzly Bear reminds me of Simon and Garfunkle meets Sha Na Na mixed with Arcade Fire if the Eagles had a kid with the Pink Floyd. In other words, I LOVE THIS ALBUM.

More Info:

Grizzly Bear Bio Page

The video is Reserve777’s mashup of the song “All We Ask” from Grizzly mixed with the story from Seven (Fincher):

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Special

I’m not special to anybody, not even myself.

I want to be special to somebody, to be there favorite person or the one they turn to when they need to turn to their closest person. I want to be loved and adored, to be the one that makes the other feel butterflies or shivers down their spine.

I honestly can’t remember what that’s like. I haven’t been with anyone for about 7 years and the weight of the loneliness is crushing. It creates a unease in my personality and a neediness that is clear for everyone to feel and see when they deal with me.

And really, I should be special to myself, shouldn’t I? I shouldn’t have to wait for someone outside of me to validate that I am indeed special. It should be my own means and my own good self-relationship that defines this self-esteem issue.

But the conflict goes on as I try and repair the horrible self-image, the brutal self-esteem and the negative voices in my head. To integrate the voices and the images I make for myself into a loving and supportive system is fucking hard.

I need a hug.

Posted in Adult Children, Zombie Life, Zombie Philosophy | 2 Comments

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