Archive for Rave

Deerhunter – Helicopter

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Celexa 20mg

It finally came time for me to stop taking my little buddy, my good friend that had been shielding me from myself, my feelings and my emotions for so long: Celexa 20mgs, SSRI taken once daily!

Celexa was an excellent part of my recovery that helped fix the pattern of up/down, manic/depression I had created through a dysfunctional childhood and drug filled adulthood. It helped retrain my brain to live in the shallower regions of emotional extremes so I could start to untangle myself from the mis-learning and lack of learning so common in ALL types of dysfunctional upbringings (alcohol, drugs, workaholics, sex addicts, etc .)

Well, I was lucky and along with Celexa I had a well-versed in new therapies analyst that helped me not only work on the chemicals insides but the mental, physical and sociological issues that all must be addressed in an aggressive recovery. Celexa held the damn from bursting while I was given the space to explore who I was, what was missing and what was needed to thrive.

Now 8 years later I have come so far I can’t even believe it sometimes. I often get mired in day to day drama and forget how much progress I’ve made in my personality, my depression, my sadness, my dread, my life, my confidence and especially my relationship to my inner child.

And all of that possible with the help from a tiny little pill that held my serotonin in when I just wanted to dump it out all at once.

Withdrawal is hard, it’s been 3 weeks after tapering off over a month long period and the side effects are daunting – twitches, zaps, neck/back pain, dizziness, vertigo and many others but also a profound reawakening of my sadness and my relationship to my emotions. I had forgotten how lovely poetry can be and how much I could feel and express but also what it feels like to do a lot of crying and some downright sobbing.

But my work over the last 8 years is holding and while extremely sad right now I am compensating with my newfound areas of recovery (exercise, diet, socialization, meditation, sleep and fun) and making sure I keep things in proper perspective. I know that I will be fine. My little guy inside knows I will be fine and together we are coping and actually enjoying this emotional reawakening.

So…I j ust want to say thank you to my little buddy: I took you for granted and never understood so fully what you were shielding me from. Now that you’re gone I promise I will keep working hard to fill myself in the right way so that all your good work will not be for naught.

Good bye buddy.

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Broken Bells – Citizen

This song makes me moist. What a beautiful tune.

BTW, the singer is the lead from The Shins – James Mercer along with Danger Mouse…

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The goal heard around the world – USA 1 Algeria 0

This moves me so…

Not sure if it’s America finally embracing soccer or the win itself but something inside me knows this is as big of a moment for the USA as well as the rest of the world.

Our finally coming around, en mass, to soccer (football) almost seems like an end to American Exceptionalism and the horrible Bush Doctorine, preemptive war type thinking that has kept the USA seperate from our fellow humans the world round, for so long.

Or maybe it’s just a beautiful game. Excuse me while I weep like a fucking baby. USA USA USA!

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Chase Dude

Oh Man, I wanna take this opportunity to apologize to the Chase executive dude that was invited by my employer to come and offer us their services.

He was standing in the turn around area in the main entry handing out Chase Credit card offers or some other nonsense and when he semi-shoves the paper into my hand I wasn’t even thinking when I looked at the paper, laughed at the realization it was a Chase credit card offer and proceeded to crumple it up.

I didn’t look back after I tossed the wad of Chase paper into the trash. That wasn’t very nice. The whole thing wasn’t very nice but in my defense, they are a scum sucking vampire corporation.

But still, sorry dude :(

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Best Albums 2009 – Sonic Youth – The Eternal

Sonic youth has been making new and original music since 1978. This 2009 release is more edgy and alternative than anything out there right now and shows what true artists left to their own exploration can do. Also nice to see a mature group of rockers not bent on self-destruction.

Sonic Youth Bio Page

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Best Albums 2009 – Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavilion

Fucking amazing group – think trip hop meets Beach Boys meets Cocteau Twins after they hang out with Pink Floyd. BTW, I think this song’s about masturbation…

Animal Collective Bio Page

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Best Albums 2009 – Grizzly Bear – Veckatimest

Grizzly Bear reminds me of Simon and Garfunkle meets Sha Na Na mixed with Arcade Fire if the Eagles had a kid with the Pink Floyd. In other words, I LOVE THIS ALBUM.

More Info:

Grizzly Bear Bio Page

The video is Reserve777′s mashup of the song “All We Ask” from Grizzly mixed with the story from Seven (Fincher):

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Unilateral Contract #001 and #002

I need to explain myself and what is going on with me and in doing so I beg of you to just hear my words and understand it isn’t anything you did. It’s all my doing and all my stuff.

It has been really special for me to get to know you again (for the first time) and with that I am seeing how cool you are and good and sweet. It has also made me realize how much of our past issues was sprung from my childhood issues. So much of the pain I cause our friendship and our love was due to my applying of things my mom did to me to the people in my life – I am realizing with your wonderful help, how I inject her into my current life.

I see now how I attributed things she did to things you did, unfairly. Recently those things sprung up with a friend who is like a family member, a sister, so as we got closer my drama would start and get on her as well. So I finally could see what part was really me.

1. One of those issues leftover from my mom is feeling used. When I was young, I was my mom’s surrogate husband, hanging out, being best friends, always together but then she would fling me aside for weeks at a time when she made up with my dad or got a new friend and basically it felt like I was being used – really the truth was was that i had no business being her friend and really should have been out playing. But putting me in this position she was putting a child into the shoes of an adult – but I couldn’t deal with it.

Fast forward to adulthood and our relationship, and I misguidedly assume that everyone is trying to use me instead of just realizing that people do ask for favors (especially me). So thus, as I have gotten better, I am very careful not to let my childhood imagination go wild. When people ask me to get them some stuff, I always have to reassure myself that this isn’t my mom using me, this isn’t my mom using me and that I LOVE to go get for people I care about. So there is no problem.

And you are my friend so, I know you aren’t using me. But the struggle continues and I will have Victory over this ‘unilateral contract’ – remember that?

I know now, in my heart that it isn’t you, it’s me!! And that makes it go away.

2. Secondly comes the double whammy. My other worse thing I still carry around from childhood is my awful fears of being left behind. Mom used to always do that to me. leave me behind – see I was, in my mind, an adult and how dare she go out at night to a bar without me (I know it sounds so ridiculous, cuz I was fucking 8!)

But this is what I am finally facing. My poor friend sometimes dares to NOT go to lunch with me cause a friend will ask her to go and she gets a grumpy me for her troubles :)

She has helped me learn that these are not things that are really happening, just an 8 year olds perspective.

YESTERDAY: But then all in one feel swoop I get a call from you asking for me to get some stuff so you take on a birthday camping trip I’m not going to. Needless to say, I hit the wall hard. this is what I do to all my friends – I even do it to Doug and he has learned to question me and make me think.

So I got upset and felt like I was being left behind. Silly huh?

So I say this to just reassure you that if I do get grumpy it isn’t you, it’s old habits that die hard – BUT DIE THEY WILL

I will be victorious over this ancient drama and I will strengthen my resolve to value and cultivate a wonderful friendship with you – a person that I am really coming to realize is a wonderful special friend.

So to summarize: I have these old things that I let surface and sometimes they hurt my buddies and I don’t want them to be hurt. I soooo appreciate all you have helped me with and love you very much.

Please understand you did nothing wrong and that I am sooo fucking happy that I can see this stuff happening and that with your beautiful friendship i can overcome!!!!

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What is Buddhism to me?

To me and my daily practice Buddhism is a philosophy in that it allows me to connect myself to the Universe and the uncaring yet attentive force that creates our world.

Chanting “Nam-myoho-renge-kyo” is a practical exercise where I am able to concentrate and connect in the moment with the creative force of the Universe (which I am a part of).

Buddha like Christ is a state of humanity that we can connect with – it is our better side, our honest side and our side that loves. Chanting connects me to this and allows me to be specifically creating my world and future.

It reminds me a lot of New Thought religions (Unity, Religious Science, Agape) in that there really is no central God that holds dominion over us – we are God and the Universe and must work to strengthen that connection.

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