What is this feeling, what are these tingles, these chills, these twinges. I want to run as fast as I can, so fast that I actually leave my body and burst out one side of this bag o’ bones and go floating across whatever there is that isn’t here. I want to float into the 80 degree sky and keep going until that fucking body below hits the ground and writhes in agony and then stops twitchin’. Yes, that’s what I want, that’s what I need; a little bit of separation from what ails me because what ails me is me.
I want to dampen the sounds in my head with a mallet. Maybe one of those rubber mallets that won’t leave too much of a mark and won’t necessarily start bleeding but can jar some sense loose like my dad used to do.
I can still hear the ringing in my ears from the one time by the back door when he whacked you from behind.
I am and have been depressed all of my life and as it is impossible to actually separate mind and body must address both but am convinced that without the logical mind, non of this would have happened depression-wise. That little boy’s mind was brilliant yet naive. This depression was always a way of looking at things and as it turns out could be fixed by using simple logic and second guessing bad logic.
For example – Horizons. Everyone loves the horizon, especially at sunset or sunrise when the sinking/rising sun casts odd shadows, weird hues and a kaleidoscope of colors…I mean what on Earth could you find depressing, right? Well, I did, I always saw the darkness that comes after sunset to be the sad and so the sunset brought sense of foreboding and dread. Why? Wish I could tell you, but that 8 year old that made these rules knows why and I’m not sure it makes much sense.
Remember that time on that drift fishing boat? After the sun set the eastern sky took that light blue-grey hue that seemed so worrisome. Remember that you made the association.
Another example of my depression comes from love – separation anxiety. I never learned how to enjoy my free time and not be afraid to be alone. In every relationship I have ever had, I find that when the person leaves to go home or do their own thing it’s like getting kicked in the stomach. The fear starts prematurely, unconsciously as I start fights or start to bicker all in attempt to not let go. From there I go to a bit of panic to full blown anxiety – and that’s before the person has left. And the really bad part is that when they are there, I am usually thinking how nice it would be to be alone.
Remember how we would come home from that absolute hellish version of school we attended? Always alone, always on your own and nobody to help you when others wanted to hurt you…
And the more of this stuff I fix – I now love sunsets and horizons – the more that comes to the surface, the more of it I see and have to fix. And it makes me all the more impatient to rid myself of these mis-perceptions and find the truth that can make me fully happy.
And I’m often filled with contentment that comes crashing down and I am back to beating off the trappings that my 8 year old created. I’d really like to go back to then, knowing what I know now and help mold that little boy in a way where I’m not having to tear down my entire life in my mid-30ies, just to keep from killing myself.
And on I trudge, through the mis-perceptions that are me, trying to right the wrongs that never should have been and don’t really exist. And I will not hit me, I will trash me, I will not abandon myself when I most need my own support. I will work all of this out, i will work all of this out.