This song and the one that follows live in the intersection between black metal and rock and roll and it couldn’t be done any smoother. Beautiful interplay between to consonance and dissonance that makes music come alive.
Archive for (sigh)
Now that I am in my 40ies, one thing that seem so odd about the fact that I had to go back and grow up again in my 30ies is that while it was a horrific process – much akin to going through high school again – it has allowed me to leave the morass of an immature mind set and start moving forward into areas I never thought possible.
Love used to be a desperate and painful feeling. When I felt love, it meant I was obsessive and scared, a leaf in the wind of emotions and gut wrenching sadness, a place where fear dominated and self doubt was the rule. Growing up meant leaving this immature mindset behind and looking to the unknown world of mature adult feelings and emotions.
And I am there. I am in a place where love isn’t so scary anymore and it sits in a different place in my heart. Instead of pain and doubt, it inhabits a state of strength and hope. Instead of a desperate need it feels like something I deserve and can expect as a result of hard work and being a good person. It’s no longer something that overwhelms but something that feels like satisfaction and contentment.
Now, I have no idea where this current iteration of love is going or where it will end up but, for the first time in my life, I’m not afraid of the outcome and not afraid of what bad things might happen and instead am just happy to have this person in my life and be able to feel these nice warm feelings and emotions in my body and soul. I am not afraid of the future, I look forward to the adventure it will bring.
So thank you to my inner self for embracing this change and working so hard to grow and expand into a mature and true self. You trusted me and together we have made fantastic progress.
And thank you to the person who has reawakened those feelings in me. You know who you are.
Ambivalent how fate decides
Decides to make you whole or void
And your mind all but abides
setting aside, dream destroyed
I long for where you might be
Maybe I should give up, settle
Coldly touch just what I see
Not boil over, hot as a kettle
Faith is how great loves are kept
And I keep this love, I do
Carry it with a burden, I accept
The Burden of being without you
This reminds me of the stresses that simmer below the surface in everyone. So beautiful…
Years of hard work, changing habits, examining motives, understand tendencies and using the tools I have found to make myself more whole; to help myself be an adult on the inside…all of that and more yet, I get this far only to realize there’s an enormous part of me that’s still a fucking child.
Oh how frustrating this discovery is, that I, when motivated by the right external forces, revert back to the depressive, challenged and brokenhearted kid that has dominated my life for its entire existence.
Feeling my thoughts go back to that awful rumination, that inability to see the truth and going into that place where nobody likes me, everyone hates me and all I am left with is eating worms is harrowing. Seriously though, how disheartening to realize all of this recovery has to happen on several concurrent platforms of my identity, some of which I didn’t realize were lacking. I’ve made great strides in professionalism, self-interests, socialization, friend making, appearance, expectations, planning, my money…but then to get blindsided by another plank of my person that I forgot to experience and grow is as frustrating as all hell.
Ugh! This is love? I forgot about love! How could I forget that emotion?
So here we go again, back to the slow slog of change, back to the road to recovery and once again to feeling things long dormant that must be felt and experienced while making subtle changes to get to a place where I can feel and be whole again. Thank you Universe for reminding me that my job is nowhere near finished.
And thank you to an old friend for reminding me about this part of me that I have been avoiding. You woke me up and now I can’t go back again. You brought me joy which I turned into pain, that has always been my way. Without you I’d just be in denial. Mad mad props.
Grandpas yell: “get off my lawn and don’t come back.”
Grandpas say it a lot and I shoot back with:
“lawns and their upkeep are a serious addition to the nightmare that is our inability to preserve our resources. See Grandpa, the sod you’ve replaced 8 times in the last 5 years is grown in a field where crops could be grown. The water used to cultivate that grass field for you used ridiculous amounts of water we don’t have.
Then that shit gets sent to your house after the last batch died because you live in a desert grandpa (California). Kentucky Bluegrass doesn’t belong in the desert Grandpa.
Then you water that shit AND THE FUCKING SIDEWALK and the fucking road everyday for ten weeks until it dies and you spend a thousand bucks having it replaced.
And don’t get me started on the amount of wasted resources and pollutants that the little team of Mexican Americans use each week to make sure you precious lawn looks perfectly manicured so you can sneer at the neighbor Jenkins who has turned to a xero-scape, desert lawn that requires no upkeep.”
Then I not only step in his yard on his grass, i also break his sprinkler heads when he’s not looking.
If you could get one minute of undivided attention from every single human being on this planet, what would you use it for?
I would tell them that the atoms of out bodies are traceable to stars that manufactured them in their cores and exploded these enriched ingredients across our galaxy, billions of years ago. For this reason, we are biologically connected to every other living thing in the world. We are chemically connected to all molecules on Earth. And we are atomically connected to all atoms in the universe. We are not figuratively, but literally stardust.
Neil deGrasse Tyson answering question from Reddit.com user-
Me versus a velociraptor as we are both chained to a bunk bed:
Created by Bunk Beds.net
And me versus a velociraptor if I had a crowbar:
Top that suckers!
I’m hiding from things again, I have all the tell tale signs: devoid of emotions, oblivious to the facts and blindsided by the truth that was sitting there all along. Blindsided. The shit is so obvious, yet somehow I manage to be the only one that doesn’t know…
It’s not fair, it’s not fair-
And still I can’t admit, I can’t admit my emotions and can only hedge around because these emotions are at my disgusting root, my disgusted self and my indistinguishable anguish that is abandonment. This is the sap on my trunk, these are notches on a stock, I am going on about truth and analysis when all I want is you.
But you want what you can’t have!
The sense is leaving me, the sense doesn’t make. I’m tragically twisted into 3-D shapes that lift me off the canvas, magically – and he gets sing-songy when he’s scared, further distancing to a place that seems more sensical with its nonsensical manners. We pick apart the legions, toast the world and supersede our powers of good. I’m gonna miss what I never had.
And how do you mourn what you never lost, do you keep that all inside because it was a product of your mind? This is the first and great Commandment and the second is like unto it, “Thou shall love the neighbor as thyself”. On these two commandments hang all the law of the prophets. But these words are proof of the thing that I avoid.
My throat is closing
And there you go again, down that road, down that rabbit hole and away, flying as fast as the neurons will carry me, away. How can a single soul be so important to me that I can see no other? This is the fervor of God, these are the greedy capitalists, I am the most high – and why are you saving my feelings. Stop saving my feelings, stop feeding my soul, stop being so special and fit the mold. Let me dismiss you.
Feel it, feel it.
Patterns make no sense. I’m a covetous being, I attach with a soldering iron. Permanent. The less sense it makes the more I hurt.
I want to go to more social things where I get to be around straight girls and guys and where people are having fun and all of a sudden I want to cry…
I hate this world, hate it so much, why would it do this to me all the time, not fair, 33 years of loneliness and pain all of it unending all of it a pit of despair with no end in sight – in the last few weeks, I have approached over 40 on line persons. Not one has even written me back.
A tool for others to exploit and have been all my life, only there for what I can do. I hate this world and have since i could remember – and as if on cue, they make a pot of fucking coffee and they walk back to their fucking offices, not drinking it, letting it burn on the fucking burner.
FUCK you Universe
This world and everyone in it can’t stand me and I don’t blame them, maybe nobody wants to be around me and maybe I cant have close friends that i go play with; maybe I’m too much.
And I’m actually asking for help, no more metaphors – people really do hate me, with good reason, they like me better when I’m far away because I am too much and don’t know how to change that. It just keeps happening at different junctures of my life where I find out some enormous revelation like this and it is such a smack in the face. Talk about cognitive dissonance: to want to be with people but to be so mean that they cant be around you – kinda creepy in its self-fulfilling sense.