Archive for Zombie Philosophy

Missed your window

Yeah, what if you missed your window, woke up too late? You could start over. You could push through and yes, start again but a forty year old man isn’t suppose to be waiting on his peers, he’s suppose to be blazing his own trail and blah blah.

My generation is full of nihilists and definitely not capitalists and stuck behind the cushion of life’s couch. I managed to squeeze out but I’m still picking crumbs and lint from my hair.

When I meet someone and they seem uncomfortably hard to be around, they are probably a lot like me. I’ve also noticed there aren’t that many general personality types, behavior-wise and it is possible to predict people’s reaction more readily than I thought it would have been.

Growing up is putting aside childish things and that is true when I consider my growth, at this late stage, and how immature certain aspects of my behavior were as an adult.

I have a chronological age: 42. I also have an inner child/emotional age that I can always check by just asking myself and listening to what that inner voice tells me (the first number that pops into your head). Everyone has this ability and the ‘inner child’ knows this and will give you that number. When I was 32 and started redoing my personality, my inner voice would answer ’13′ years old. I was an emotional 13 year old.

After 10 years of good therapy and rebuilding I have hit about 28.

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Hating the government

Unpopular as this might be, we hate the government because it is a direct reflection of the majority of people in our country. We hate what we are and what we were. For us on reddit and the internet in general, this is a hard pill to swallow.

We, as a whole, are a war mongering bunch. We love sentimental platitudes of patriotism that stroke our distorted egos. We love law and order, wars-on-things and capital punishment.

We, until recently, love boot strap pulling tough guy cowboys and berating the unfortunate that happen to have been born poor, without structure and end up in crime – we want to lock everyone up and throw away the key.

We love throwing our weight around the world and pissing money away to make sense of our military industrial complex. We hate admitting when we’re wrong and will invade a country based on lies to meet vendettas and cover our asses. We love looking down our nose at older, more secure countries like France and Germany that have been through it before, have learned a sense of maturity and have insight to offer. We don’t need them, we know everything.

We take up sides like we’re players in a football game. Rah rah-ing and shaking our pom poms oblivious to the distortions each side is smacking us with and ignoring the truth as long as we win.

We are children of recent history, reveling in our ignorance and spinning around on our egos. We look up to fakes like Reagan and paint our history as some paragon of virtue while ignoring the horrors we have unleashed and the mistakes we make continually, repeatedly like parent-less children.

At some point we will have have to take a long look at our sick and bloated societal egos and relate that to our own existence. Many other societies do things the right way, care about their fellow citizens and aren’t nearly as susceptible to flagrant propaganda by the likes of corporations that fleece us dry at every step.

So when we hate the government, we are hating a direct representative of who we are, what we have allowed from behind the comfort of our cushy living rooms and we, the majority, have some serious growing up to do.

Taking responsibility is the hardest part.

Posted in Politics, Rant, Zombie Philosophy | Leave a comment

These are days

How do you ask for help from the world around you? Do you yell at the top of your lungs? Do you whisper? Do you beg?

I’m crying on and off, choked up like I’m watching an Old Yeller retrospective. No rhyme, no reason just crying and sadness and a direct connection to the part of me that is very sad.

These days I miss my anti-depressants, my SSRI – the beautiful little bubble I used to live in that protected me from myself.

I’ve started yelling at people to defend the little boy inside from their shitty behavior. He loves it but, them? Not so much. He thinks its cool because I never used to defend him and would let people walk all over me. But I think I need to find a middle ground where I don’t sound so much like a crazy person that just got visited by aliens.

I’m a 16 year old boy in the body of a 41 year old man. My feelings are racing between highs and lows and my mind and my body don’t know what to do. I’d blame the alcohol I recently started imbibing again after a 9 year hiatus but that just seems like a cop out. Truth be told, this is what I should have been doing when I was young – to learn how to be stable, strong, confident, happy and content. So here I am in my 40ies when I should be going through a mid-life crisis and am instead having a teenage dream of growing up.

I will power through these issues, this maturity, the coldness of a world that just doesn’t seem to give a shit. And I will try my best to make these growths with grace and subtlety and avoid the wild mood swings becoming bludgeons with which I beat the people around me.

Forgive me world. growing up is hard.

Posted in Adult Children, Rant, Zombie Philosophy | 1 Comment

How come he doesn’t want me

Everything I could ever say about my father is said in this clip:

I don’t necessarily blame him because his father did the same to him but, without the ability to express it to him, this clip is all I have. Feelings of abandonment are the hardest to face. They reside in the darkest holes and deepest pits of our psyche. Thanks to the Fresh Prince, I can cry about it now.

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If – Rudyard Kipling

This poem is about 115 years old and gives me hope for humanity

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man my son!

Posted in Poetry, Zombie Life, Zombie Philosophy | Leave a comment

Celexa 20mg

It finally came time for me to stop taking my little buddy, my good friend that had been shielding me from myself, my feelings and my emotions for so long: Celexa 20mgs, SSRI taken once daily!

Celexa was an excellent part of my recovery that helped fix the pattern of up/down, manic/depression I had created through a dysfunctional childhood and drug filled adulthood. It helped retrain my brain to live in the shallower regions of emotional extremes so I could start to untangle myself from the mis-learning and lack of learning so common in ALL types of dysfunctional upbringings (alcohol, drugs, workaholics, sex addicts, etc .)

Well, I was lucky and along with Celexa I had a well-versed in new therapies analyst that helped me not only work on the chemicals insides but the mental, physical and sociological issues that all must be addressed in an aggressive recovery. Celexa held the damn from bursting while I was given the space to explore who I was, what was missing and what was needed to thrive.

Now 8 years later I have come so far I can’t even believe it sometimes. I often get mired in day to day drama and forget how much progress I’ve made in my personality, my depression, my sadness, my dread, my life, my confidence and especially my relationship to my inner child.

And all of that possible with the help from a tiny little pill that held my serotonin in when I just wanted to dump it out all at once.

Withdrawal is hard, it’s been 3 weeks after tapering off over a month long period and the side effects are daunting – twitches, zaps, neck/back pain, dizziness, vertigo and many others but also a profound reawakening of my sadness and my relationship to my emotions. I had forgotten how lovely poetry can be and how much I could feel and express but also what it feels like to do a lot of crying and some downright sobbing.

But my work over the last 8 years is holding and while extremely sad right now I am compensating with my newfound areas of recovery (exercise, diet, socialization, meditation, sleep and fun) and making sure I keep things in proper perspective. I know that I will be fine. My little guy inside knows I will be fine and together we are coping and actually enjoying this emotional reawakening.

So…I j ust want to say thank you to my little buddy: I took you for granted and never understood so fully what you were shielding me from. Now that you’re gone I promise I will keep working hard to fill myself in the right way so that all your good work will not be for naught.

Good bye buddy.

Posted in Adult Children, Rave, Zombie Life, Zombie Philosophy | Leave a comment

smeared

…across my face.

I send props to my creativity, while awesome it is hidden behind a defense system almost not worth fighting.

Maybe I’m not going to ever be a worthwhile writer, a worthwhile member of society. Might be that I am just a regular bloke that does his job, keeps his head down and muddles through life.

But Americans are taught they can be anything, do anything and shoot all the way to the top. They soaked my addled mind with such tripe when I was a little boy. My grandmother took me aside once and told me:

I see you becoming famous one day. Not sure why or how but I think you’ll be an actor.

Now, I’ve been waiting ever since, frozen and unable to act upon this bit of information. One thing to tell some kid that to help him along but to say that and then do nothing support wise, school wise, college wise – hell, how about require me to do my homework?

I lived a childhood where the most important thing was keeping things smoothed over to avoid the inevitable drunken fight between my parents. I didn’t care about books, just peace. And here I am decades later and I’m still that little boy – frozen, scared and motivated by a desire to be left alone and do nothing.

Maybe I will never reach escape velocity to leave my childhood behind.

Science has found that 75% of our adult behaviors were developed before the age of 10 and never change. And what if those behaviors were learned poorly or not at all? Nothing worse than an adult walking around with a childish mindset; making childish mistakes, using childish emotions, being an adult child.

Will I ever escape this…

Posted in Adult Children, Zombie Life, Zombie Philosophy | Leave a comment

Modern Advertising: It’s Okay to Hate Men and Treat Them Like Dogs

Modern advertising needs a Foil in each buying situation they depict (like this commercial) – The purchaser can look down on and feel superior to the foil and thus identify with the product later on at the point of purchase (at the store, at the beer cooler)

I’m tired of ‘foil’ advertising especially when they make it so hateful.

My feeling is we need real, involved ‘consumer unions’ to get our collective power back from corporation through the threat of mass product/brand boycott.

A couple of million people strong would do it…maybe as little as 300,000…unified on buying habits.

And these commercials boil my blood. That’s what motivated this post. I want to punish Miller Lite…

Posted in Rant, Zombie Life, Zombie Philosophy | Leave a comment

Go to tell your 16 yr. old self something

Oh fuck dude, where do I begin? Lemme see….

You’re not at all fat! Actually as it turns out, you are very handsome but just got lied to by people that should have been protecting you but instead destroyed you. Keep repeating over and over until you believe it the truth: you are aren’t fat. You’re very handsome and a really good guy. I am so fucking proud of you. Do you know that?

And what do you want to be? What do you want to do? And I don’t mean smoke pot all the time and get drunk. What else? You’re a great writer but your still illiterate technically at 16. You’re writing is like a really creative mess. Ask for help. I want you to apply yourself and if you do you will be so happy, I promise. Apply yourself, please? If you do? You can still smoke pot. Okay?

And pretty soon you’re gonna need therapy and I want you to start whenever you feel up to it, okay? You’re depressive, buddy. A big cute depressive guy. I want you to get help, okay? Check out ACOA and IBP therapy…get a head start cause your 30ies will be a fucking ride and a half :-/

But I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of how you end up fighting through your depression and changed your life. I’m so proud of how good you are at heart and how you removed those defense mechanisms and let people love you. You can do anything buddy, so don’t ever sell yourself short and start writing more and you’ll be so happy.

I love you

Posted in Adult Children, Guyland, Rant, Uncategorized, Zombie Philosophy | Leave a comment

Rejection

Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least

I have been entangled with a female friend/lover for 15 years and it has been 15 years of “come here, come here” mixed with a lot of ‘get away, get away’. And as the both of us have gotten better in our separate ACOA-type recoveries, I find that neither one of us can change or stop this dance and the roles are desperately hard to change.

The first five years she was in love with me but I was living with a girlfriend. I think that bind-ed her to me through rejection. Then 5 years later we come together again and for a year we were able to be lovers…but our recoveries ripped our intimacy apart and we went our ways. But we never let go fully, always keeping a line open.

Fast forward to the last 2 years and I am better but can’t let go of her. Things have swung and I am seeing her for the first time; the beauty, the passion, the friend, the lover – but of course, now she is reluctant and doesn’t care as much as I do…she wants to be the super close friends we always were but doesn’t want the lover I can be and want.

And on the cycle will go as two people spin their sick dance of intimacy, unable to break free and live their lives in the new way they have discovered through recovery and unable to take the relationship to a secure and safe place of love and support.

The good news is that I am finally a man in my heart and cannot (for the first time in 15 years) let this twisted, unsatisfying relationship continue like this. I confronted her and told her the truth. Of course she didn’t reciprocate and wants me to remain as a brother-type friend which I refuse to do. I broke off any friendship and am respecting hers and my boundaries.

————————————-

It’s just so frustrating to realize the last 15 years were wasted when I could have been experiencing relationships and love and all kinds of things that were lost to my scared mind that holds onto sick relationships like a junkie to his drug. Releasing her this last time is so hard and scary but for the first time in my life it is not a dreaded thing that will kill me. I will be okay and flourish but I worry that my weakness for her will lead me back down the path of this sick intimacy that her and I share.

But honestly, I know this sounds a little dark and truth be told, I am so much better than I ever was and so much more mature than at any time in my life. The air is cool and the sun shining. i will be fine.

Posted in Adult Children, Zombie Life, Zombie Philosophy | Leave a comment

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