Archive for the 'Zombie Philosophy' Category

Head talk and will power

Foster a good relationship with your inner self. There is a lot we don’t understand about head talk but one thing we do know is that the head talk is what leads us to decision making and if that talk is flawed, negative and angry (derogatory) then willpower will be diminished.

I went through a lot of new-ish recovery the last 10 years and can tell you from experience that if you clean up the head talk and eliminate the negative talk, habits will change quicker and easier.

I created a third person (healthy Gary) to talk to and be the parent to the scared voice and the negative voice in my head (negative is my mom and dad - scared is my true sad self) - slowly but surely I negotiated, very lovingly (lovingly even to the negative voice) the stuff the voices were saying and developed a dialog that helped create a sense of safety for the weak voice and a sense of love for the negative one.)

And my weak voice began to feel more safe and protected, changes started happening at an incredible rate and will power grew as well. With my inner voices all on the same page, I made deals with them all to get things done: Little (weak) Gary would do exercise because he wanted to meet girls. Negative Gary turned into ‘warning Gary’ as he realized he was just going over the top and we would listen if he toned it down.

I created a safe place for my voices to thrive. I know this sounds silly but this shit works like no one’s business. It helped me grow my internal age from about 13 emotionally to about 27.

Relating to men - as a man

That totally reminds me of my dad. All my life I hated the man and with good reason as he hit me and was drunk a lot and loved to make fun of my weight but there was always something really unnatural to the idea that I would hate my own father but I did with all my heart.

Later on in life, as I got better, I started to see the whole picture of my childhood more clearly. Because he was an alcoholic and less than the ideal husband for my mom, she turned me into her surrogate husband - I went everywhere with her, listen to her issues, her problems, commiserated with her about other men and especially about my dad. We would even go so far as ganging up on him and mocking him openly to his face. I would protect my mom at any price and he was no exception.

Now that I’m 40 and so much better inside and out, I can see how that dynamic ruined how I saw my father, how I ganged up on him for my mother and how her issues and inner hatred were transferred to me…a child who needed his father.

These days I have a horrible time relating to men which is all the more weird because I am heavily into sports and guy things but have very few guy friends. I am also rediscovering my ‘guy’ side and trying to do more guy things to offset this empty feeling I have for my father and for the absence of men in my life. I don’t blame my mom so much as she was doing what people do when abandoned by their alcoholic mate but I can now see how much stuff was put on my dad unfairly and without being true. My mom’s hatred became my hatred and my relationship to my dad has never been the same.

Now don’t get me wrong, he was a shithead for the most part but because of this sick and crappy dynamic of an alcoholic family, I was never able to see who he really was and I can now see that that guy was more than just a drunk - he was my dad.

PS - this exact same dynamic can happen in any dysfunctional family - not just for alcoholics.

Special

I’m not special to anybody, not even myself.

I want to be special to somebody, to be there favorite person or the one they turn to when they need to turn to their closest person. I want to be loved and adored, to be the one that makes the other feel butterflies or shivers down their spine.

I honestly can’t remember what that’s like. I haven’t been with anyone for about 7 years and the weight of the loneliness is crushing. It creates a unease in my personality and a neediness that is clear for everyone to feel and see when they deal with me.

And really, I should be special to myself, shouldn’t I? I shouldn’t have to wait for someone outside of me to validate that I am indeed special. It should be my own means and my own good self-relationship that defines this self-esteem issue.

But the conflict goes on as I try and repair the horrible self-image, the brutal self-esteem and the negative voices in my head. To integrate the voices and the images I make for myself into a loving and supportive system is fucking hard.

I need a hug.

Carmen Trutanich (LA district Attorney) and Steve Cooley (City Attorney) have vowed to ignore the law and shut down legal Medical Marijuana shops

LA District Attorney Steve Cooley: http://da.co.la.ca.us/

And city attorney Carmen Trutanich: http://atty.lacity.org/OUR_OFFICE/Meet_City_Attorney/index.htm

Are telling the city of Los Angeles that they are gonna get tough on crime and grabbing headlines by going after low hanging fruit (easy pickings) Medical Marijuana (MMJ) users in LA. Even though the state has twice made laws okaying MMJ and even though the courts have upheld these laws, these two newly elected officials have decided that the laws don’t apply to them and their jurisdiction. More bullshit from a twisted baby boomer generation that would sell their mother for a headline.

And what’s more they are fucking lazy. Do some police work and let people smoke their weed. For Christ sakes, the thing in the video about the backlog of rape cases makes me sick. Watch:


But you don’t know me

A child, your inner child - the one that hurts inside - doesn’t want to hear you being rational and calm. “Fuck them” he says and “fuck them for their selfish bullshit that ripped our family apart and ruined mine and my brother’s fucking lives”.

These parents, as wonderful as you need them to be, HURT these two children and left a HOLE, were gone in their lives where they needed adult supervision (think: latch key kids). And this hole in parenting led to another hole - a hole in their heart.

What the parents did could be rationalized all day long but it hurt you very much and look what it did to your brother! They pretty much, through their own selfish needs, screwed up your personalities.

Now, i say all that to make a point: you are both suffering and both need help. YOU CANNOT fix your brother, he has to do it himself and because people learn through example and not through being forced, the only real way to help him is showing him how it is done, how to heal.

Time for you to take the focus off him and start looking inward my friend. You have to save yourself first and then he will follow.

Sex with a zombie

Sex with these dead people, without a lot of alcohol or drugs like X, would ultimately lead to them dissociating (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_disorder) and/or ‘getting in the head’, thinking too much about the act and the passion would die. The reason that they all had this very common problem was that they had all been molested at some point and because I am a man, they were women.

I was molested but only emotionally as my mom turned me into a surrogate husband (very common in alcoholic families.) She made me her buddy, her confidant and it felt like a relationship. She never touched me sex-wise (well, there were some slow dances that creeped me out…) but this relationship at such a young age set me on my path of manifesting, bringing into my life, immature women with no healthy boundaries.

My life has been filled with finding these emotionally stunted women so that I can take care of them like I did with my mom. And I know these women very clearly now. Some were alcoholics, drug addicts, one was an over eater/purger. My point is that they all needed saving and because they were ‘messed up’ they all had the attribute of dissociating during sex. At some point between 1-16 , they were molested in some way.

Children commonly use dissociation to protect them from horrible moments in their life. It’s this dissociation I saw in all of these injured eyes that I loved. It’s dissociation that helps someone forget how to feel their body, it’s this type of dissociation during a sexual moment that makes it impossible for some people to feel their feelings, their emotions and ultimately the body itself. Dissociation makes an orgasm a foreign idea.

I recognize my own dissociation when all of a sudden my mind is racing away from the moment, from the Now, obsessing over some train of thought and seemingly not in the room with whatever action is going on - like sex. In therapy, when I would approach terrifying subjects, I would dissociate and my therapist would whisper “Drew, where are you? Where did you go?” and as I got better I could battle to remain present.

I always hesitate to call women ‘frigid’ for it is rarely a decent enough word to encompass the truth of what is really going on with the other person. There is so much raw emotion usually around relationships that this word so easily missed. And for the record, guys that dissociate often have the opposite of ‘no orgasm’: premature ejaculation.

Myoho

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

Never before have I found myself so able to concentrate on things for periods of time. My whole life has been a short-attention span existence that frustrated me to no end when trying to write or study or even just stay in the moment.

But since I started Nichiren Buddhism and the twice a day chanting/practice, the amount of time I am able to concentrate has grown longer and longer.

This is not magic, this is habit and the veracity and quality of a 3000 year old practice. Cheers to Buddhism and Nichiren for a wonderful practice.

Drew the Zombie was born on Bastille Day

40 years ago today! 7-14-1969. Born in the Summer of Love!

This has been a pretty rough lead up to my birthday, I guess #40, while you are still a bachelor, has a lot more ‘weight’ on it than any other birthday that I have had lately. I apologize to those around me that may have been on the receiving end of my bad behavior or my grumpy mood.

Sylvia, via Hannah W., sent me this wonderful picture:

Sylvia wished Drew a happy happy

Isn’t she cute!?

Now back to moping about my birthday. Hrmph!

Unilateral Contract #001 and #002

I need to explain myself and what is going on with me and in doing so I beg of you to just hear my words and understand it isn’t anything you did. It’s all my doing and all my stuff.

It has been really special for me to get to know you again (for the first time) and with that I am seeing how cool you are and good and sweet. It has also made me realize how much of our past issues was sprung from my childhood issues. So much of the pain I cause our friendship and our love was due to my applying of things my mom did to me to the people in my life - I am realizing with your wonderful help, how I inject her into my current life.

I see now how I attributed things she did to things you did, unfairly. Recently those things sprung up with a friend who is like a family member, a sister, so as we got closer my drama would start and get on her as well. So I finally could see what part was really me.

1. One of those issues leftover from my mom is feeling used. When I was young, I was my mom’s surrogate husband, hanging out, being best friends, always together but then she would fling me aside for weeks at a time when she made up with my dad or got a new friend and basically it felt like I was being used - really the truth was was that i had no business being her friend and really should have been out playing. But putting me in this position she was putting a child into the shoes of an adult - but I couldn’t deal with it.

Fast forward to adulthood and our relationship, and I misguidedly assume that everyone is trying to use me instead of just realizing that people do ask for favors (especially me). So thus, as I have gotten better, I am very careful not to let my childhood imagination go wild. When people ask me to get them some stuff, I always have to reassure myself that this isn’t my mom using me, this isn’t my mom using me and that I LOVE to go get for people I care about. So there is no problem.

And you are my friend so, I know you aren’t using me. But the struggle continues and I will have Victory over this ‘unilateral contract’ - remember that?

I know now, in my heart that it isn’t you, it’s me!! And that makes it go away.

2. Secondly comes the double whammy. My other worse thing I still carry around from childhood is my awful fears of being left behind. Mom used to always do that to me. leave me behind - see I was, in my mind, an adult and how dare she go out at night to a bar without me (I know it sounds so ridiculous, cuz I was fucking 8!)

But this is what I am finally facing. My poor friend sometimes dares to NOT go to lunch with me cause a friend will ask her to go and she gets a grumpy me for her troubles :)

She has helped me learn that these are not things that are really happening, just an 8 year olds perspective.

YESTERDAY: But then all in one feel swoop I get a call from you asking for me to get some stuff so you take on a birthday camping trip I’m not going to. Needless to say, I hit the wall hard. this is what I do to all my friends - I even do it to Doug and he has learned to question me and make me think.

So I got upset and felt like I was being left behind. Silly huh?

So I say this to just reassure you that if I do get grumpy it isn’t you, it’s old habits that die hard - BUT DIE THEY WILL

I will be victorious over this ancient drama and I will strengthen my resolve to value and cultivate a wonderful friendship with you - a person that I am really coming to realize is a wonderful special friend.

So to summarize: I have these old things that I let surface and sometimes they hurt my buddies and I don’t want them to be hurt. I soooo appreciate all you have helped me with and love you very much.

Please understand you did nothing wrong and that I am sooo fucking happy that I can see this stuff happening and that with your beautiful friendship i can overcome!!!!

People are cruel

A friend of mine was having a bad day:

That’s all I see lately. Is people hating each other. It feels like these are certain people who go looking for prey. I’m writing this because I saw someone just be a plain asshole and insult someone else for no real reason. I fucking hate humans. It’s so god damn hard to humble yourself when most of the world is lurking around for people to belittle.

The key for you would be to find away to believe the truth of the following axiom:

Don’t Take Anything Personally


Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

http://www.miguelruiz.com/fouragreements.html

That quote and the other three ‘agreements’ can show a person, if followed closely, how to avoid the pain and morass of what seems like a cruel world. The truth is that nothing that others do can hurt you if you don’t let it.

The story is the same be it Buddhism or Toltec or any of the new thought religions - the only thing we really control is our own reaction. Everything else that is outside of us is not our business nor does it have to be taken to heart.

People are cruel because inside them is a hurt and sad little child and they are miserable and angry. This helped me to let go of the crap they tossed at me…but it’s hard and everyday I have to remind myself that I like me and that is all that matters.

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