I need to explain myself and what is going on with me and in doing so I beg of you to just hear my words and understand it isn’t anything you did. It’s all my doing and all my stuff.
It has been really special for me to get to know you again (for the first time) and with that I am seeing how cool you are and good and sweet. It has also made me realize how much of our past issues was sprung from my childhood issues. So much of the pain I cause our friendship and our love was due to my applying of things my mom did to me to the people in my life - I am realizing with your wonderful help, how I inject her into my current life.
I see now how I attributed things she did to things you did, unfairly. Recently those things sprung up with a friend who is like a family member, a sister, so as we got closer my drama would start and get on her as well. So I finally could see what part was really me.
1. One of those issues leftover from my mom is feeling used. When I was young, I was my mom’s surrogate husband, hanging out, being best friends, always together but then she would fling me aside for weeks at a time when she made up with my dad or got a new friend and basically it felt like I was being used - really the truth was was that i had no business being her friend and really should have been out playing. But putting me in this position she was putting a child into the shoes of an adult - but I couldn’t deal with it.
Fast forward to adulthood and our relationship, and I misguidedly assume that everyone is trying to use me instead of just realizing that people do ask for favors (especially me). So thus, as I have gotten better, I am very careful not to let my childhood imagination go wild. When people ask me to get them some stuff, I always have to reassure myself that this isn’t my mom using me, this isn’t my mom using me and that I LOVE to go get for people I care about. So there is no problem.
And you are my friend so, I know you aren’t using me. But the struggle continues and I will have Victory over this ‘unilateral contract’ - remember that?
I know now, in my heart that it isn’t you, it’s me!! And that makes it go away.
2. Secondly comes the double whammy. My other worse thing I still carry around from childhood is my awful fears of being left behind. Mom used to always do that to me. leave me behind - see I was, in my mind, an adult and how dare she go out at night to a bar without me (I know it sounds so ridiculous, cuz I was fucking 8!)
But this is what I am finally facing. My poor friend sometimes dares to NOT go to lunch with me cause a friend will ask her to go and she gets a grumpy me for her troubles
She has helped me learn that these are not things that are really happening, just an 8 year olds perspective.
YESTERDAY: But then all in one feel swoop I get a call from you asking for me to get some stuff so you take on a birthday camping trip I’m not going to. Needless to say, I hit the wall hard. this is what I do to all my friends - I even do it to Doug and he has learned to question me and make me think.
So I got upset and felt like I was being left behind. Silly huh?
So I say this to just reassure you that if I do get grumpy it isn’t you, it’s old habits that die hard - BUT DIE THEY WILL
I will be victorious over this ancient drama and I will strengthen my resolve to value and cultivate a wonderful friendship with you - a person that I am really coming to realize is a wonderful special friend.
So to summarize: I have these old things that I let surface and sometimes they hurt my buddies and I don’t want them to be hurt. I soooo appreciate all you have helped me with and love you very much.
Please understand you did nothing wrong and that I am sooo fucking happy that I can see this stuff happening and that with your beautiful friendship i can overcome!!!!