Drew in Zombieland

Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least

I have been entangled with a female friend/lover for 15 years and it has been 15 years of “come here, come here” mixed with a lot of ‘get away, get away’. And as the both of us have gotten better in our separate ACOA-type recoveries, I find that neither one of us can change or stop this dance and the roles are desperately hard to change.

The first five years she was in love with me but I was living with a girlfriend. I think that bind-ed her to me through rejection. Then 5 years later we come together again and for a year we were able to be lovers…but our recoveries ripped our intimacy apart and we went our ways. But we never let go fully, always keeping a line open.

Fast forward to the last 2 years and I am better but can’t let go of her. Things have swung and I am seeing her for the first time; the beauty, the passion, the friend, the lover - but of course, now she is reluctant and doesn’t care as much as I do…she wants to be the super close friends we always were but doesn’t want the lover I can be and want.

And on the cycle will go as two people spin their sick dance of intimacy, unable to break free and live their lives in the new way they have discovered through recovery and unable to take the relationship to a secure and safe place of love and support.

The good news is that I am finally a man in my heart and cannot (for the first time in 15 years) let this twisted, unsatisfying relationship continue like this. I confronted her and told her the truth. Of course she didn’t reciprocate and wants me to remain as a brother-type friend which I refuse to do. I broke off any friendship and am respecting hers and my boundaries.

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It’s just so frustrating to realize the last 15 years were wasted when I could have been experiencing relationships and love and all kinds of things that were lost to my scared mind that holds onto sick relationships like a junkie to his drug. Releasing her this last time is so hard and scary but for the first time in my life it is not a dreaded thing that will kill me. I will be okay and flourish but I worry that my weakness for her will lead me back down the path of this sick intimacy that her and I share.

But honestly, I know this sounds a little dark and truth be told, I am so much better than I ever was and so much more mature than at any time in my life. The air is cool and the sun shining. i will be fine.

This moves me so…

Not sure if it’s America finally embracing soccer or the win itself but something inside me knows this is as big of a moment for the USA as well as the rest of the world.

Our finally coming around, en mass, to soccer (football) almost seems like an end to American Exceptionalism and the horrible Bush Doctorine, preemptive war type thinking that has kept the USA seperate from our fellow humans the world round, for so long.

Or maybe it’s just a beautiful game. Excuse me while I weep like a fucking baby. USA USA USA!

Grandpas yell: “get off my lawn and don’t come back.”

Grandpas say it a lot and I shoot back with:

“lawns and their upkeep are a serious addition to the nightmare that is our inability to preserve our resources. See Grandpa, the sod you’ve replaced 8 times in the last 5 years is grown in a field where crops could be grown. The water used to cultivate that grass field for you used ridiculous amounts of water we don’t have.

Then that shit gets sent to your house after the last batch died because you live in a desert grandpa (California). Kentucky Bluegrass doesn’t belong in the desert Grandpa.

Then you water that shit AND THE FUCKING SIDEWALK and the fucking road everyday for ten weeks until it dies and you spend a thousand bucks having it replaced.

And don’t get me started on the amount of wasted resources and pollutants that the little team of Mexican Americans use each week to make sure you precious lawn looks perfectly manicured so you can sneer at the neighbor Jenkins who has turned to a xero-scape, desert lawn that requires no upkeep.”

Then I not only step in his yard on his grass, i also break his sprinkler heads when he’s not looking.

(edit: in reality I have no grandpas left —)

Oh Man, I wanna take this opportunity to apologize to the Chase executive dude that was invited by my employer to come and offer us their services.

He was standing in the turn around area in the main entry handing out Chase Credit card offers or some other nonsense and when he semi-shoves the paper into my hand I wasn’t even thinking when I looked at the paper, laughed at the realization it was a Chase credit card offer and proceeded to crumple it up.

I didn’t look back after I tossed the wad of Chase paper into the trash. That wasn’t very nice. The whole thing wasn’t very nice but in my defense, they are a scum sucking vampire corporation.

But still, sorry dude

We all carry a certain amount of inundation in our bodies for the perceived world around us. This amount is like a water level that when exceeded cause us to fight or flight.

In Adult Children, this normal level of inundation is increased by a certain amount causing the person to be walking around on egg shells just waiting for the other shoe to drop and the fight/flight to kick in.

I am an Adult Child and I get inundated by the silliest things:

- I hate wrist watches because they’re too constricting

- I avoid wallets because they feel uncomfortable to sit on.

- I rip all my clothes off when I get home from work and wear my boxers because clothes are too constrictive.

Inundation cause people to run from relationships, avoid advancement as well as avoid groups and other people. Inundation is sometimes the culprit behind loners and lifetime bachelors as well as mid life crises and mental break downs.

Sometimes my cat inundates me when it wants to snuggle. When I realized that, I realized I had a problem.

I was at rock bottom when i started unearthing that ancient anger and pain from my childhood and as I gained strength to act on my own behalf, I was still at the maturity level of a young child and lashing out was all I knew.

That same Christmas I decided to let these two jerks (my parents) know exactly how I felt about their drinking and their drama. I got some big Christmas cards and in the ugliest magic-marker I could find I blasted them both back to the stone age.

I told them about themselves but good. I laid into their selfishness, their inability to make me feel safe, for all the years I had to be the parent, for the loss of my childhood, for the fact that I had to carry around a small pack in case I had to leave in a haste.

I got even nastier about their disgusting habit of drinking and cheating on each other. It was ugly and the magic markers made it look like a crazy person was stalking them-

My mom (who i am still close to) was devastated, but in a good way. She talked to me and held an ongoing conversation and this became the launching point for our further relationship. Dad said nothing. He never reaches out and I stopped trying. One for two…

Looking back I am so proud of the little boy who, even though he was scared and sad, still for the first time took charge and stuck up for me. He acted on my behalf and I will never forget what he did for me.

The anger I feel for what they did has totally subsided (coincidentally it has lessened at the same rate as my inner self-hate has lessened) But I will never forget what they did and never forget how I got out of that hell and became the man that I am…becoming.

Foster a good relationship with your inner self. There is a lot we don’t understand about head talk but one thing we do know is that the head talk is what leads us to decision making and if that talk is flawed, negative and angry (derogatory) then willpower will be diminished.

I went through a lot of new-ish recovery the last 10 years and can tell you from experience that if you clean up the head talk and eliminate the negative talk, habits will change quicker and easier.

I created a third person (healthy Gary) to talk to and be the parent to the scared voice and the negative voice in my head (negative is my mom and dad - scared is my true sad self) - slowly but surely I negotiated, very lovingly (lovingly even to the negative voice) the stuff the voices were saying and developed a dialog that helped create a sense of safety for the weak voice and a sense of love for the negative one.)

And my weak voice began to feel more safe and protected, changes started happening at an incredible rate and will power grew as well. With my inner voices all on the same page, I made deals with them all to get things done: Little (weak) Gary would do exercise because he wanted to meet girls. Negative Gary turned into ‘warning Gary’ as he realized he was just going over the top and we would listen if he toned it down.

I created a safe place for my voices to thrive. I know this sounds silly but this shit works like no one’s business. It helped me grow my internal age from about 13 emotionally to about 27.

Sonic youth has been making new and original music since 1978. This 2009 release is more edgy and alternative than anything out there right now and shows what true artists left to their own exploration can do. Also nice to see a mature group of rockers not bent on self-destruction.

Sonic Youth Bio Page

Fucking amazing group - think trip hop meets Beach Boys meets Cocteau Twins after they hang out with Pink Floyd. BTW, I think this song’s about masturbation…

Animal Collective Bio Page

Grizzly Bear reminds me of Simon and Garfunkle meets Sha Na Na mixed with Arcade Fire if the Eagles had a kid with the Pink Floyd. In other words, I LOVE THIS ALBUM.

More Info:

Grizzly Bear Bio Page

The video is Reserve777’s mashup of the song “All We Ask” from Grizzly mixed with the story from Seven (Fincher):