Archive for February, 2007

crazy (207)

A womanizing Doctor’s group of young womanizing doctor friends starts to unravel as a mysterious, sexually-charged Woman begins dating the members. One by one they start to lose their minds; literally - insane jealousy, posessiveness, paranoia, violence, anxiety attacks, hallucinations. They fight over her. Her overt sexuality tears the group apart as she casts aside one member for the next.

Our Doctor begins investigating after the first one. He has no proof but he (using intuition for the first time in awhile) feels like she’s evil. So he investigates…and that’s when it becomes his turn to meet her, and be drawn in.

Who is this Woman? What is she doing to these men? Will it happen to him? Can he stop from slipping into madness?

Eugene

Starfire, pigeon-toed
around and about and these
fine days of servitude and
bondage. This house,
this building, these
walls, this monstrosity.
This is Alaska or Texas,
Canada or Michigan,
this is my life!

The wood all dessicated
and some weathered
but virtually the same color.
Room as big as an airline
hanger, with the right
condition clouds would form.
Pittsburg or St. Louis?
Missouri?

That room…that movement of
walls all crooked and bitter
brown and yellow. So big.
I think it’s a complex.
Outside there are trees so green
and people dressed warm;
constant drizzle. It’s Northwest,
Seattle, Oregon, Eugene.

His name is Eugene
the oppressor,
maybe he is here, this complex,
these walls, this endless maze
of brown and green
and everyone is in on it.
I was given a clue early,
something about the roof
and a way to sneak over.

And a wall with a corrugated
tin roof, a floppy tin roof
and I can’t do a pull up
unless there is reasonable
need and I measure the portion
where I’ll climb. This is
Eugene, Oregon, these woods
the timber, the expanse to do

whatever they want. And I climb
the tin roof and it leads
to another. I flop to another
and barely hold on. Another
that bows inward and I almost
fall through and another
that cuts me on the underside
of my arms and I keep going,

hard. They know and have guns.
and I have one last jump, roof to fence
take a long step back
and run for all my worth-

This is Eugene, this is timber,
these are murderers and responsible;
this is cold and wet, these are tired
and lonely, with guns,

and I shake my fist from the other
side. And you know, that
there is no other side
and if this were a movie the
trick would be on me,
I’m captured and held.

It rains.

More Fragmentations

From a fellow ACOAer:

This is not like me, and it’s bothering me… I’m “dual diagnosis” (both A and ACA) and I’m coming up to a year in recovery, for both as they are part parcel the same thing… Been doing really well, feeling good, gaining in strength, peace, acceptance, spirituality etc…

I started to feel a bit blue and tired about 3 weeks ago, though nothing of it “this too shall pass” but it seems to have progressively got worse and now I seem to be quite depressed even, still tired, fed up…. nothing going on in my life I can see, no problems (I think), but it’s got to the stage where I feel like things might be going wrong. I’m still working the program, going to meetings, praying, but I just feel like I’m slipping down a hole and I can’t stop it (even by handing it over)….

Dear ACOAer,

One thing i have actually realized about my depression that
flies a little in the face of the traditional “let go and let God”
is that no one, I repeat, no one but me is gonna clean up
my perceptions. As I go along through this world and realize
that I am an Adult Child, I keep hitting these problem areas
where I am blindsided by my childhood perceptions…

…now, I have always had a hard time with my weight, always
thinking like the child that was repeatedly told he was fat. So I
got a set of pictures back from the developer and saw myself-
I looked fat-

The minuite I saw them, i got a cold sweat and fragmented…it cast
a shadow over me. At the time I didn’t realize the severity of the
fragmentation and then later, that it was affecting me three
weeks later…like a filmy, dirty windshield, my perception of the rest
of my life was coated by this one issue not being resolved.

So the last couple weeks I’ve remained depressed even though I
couldn’t remember the reason why…and everything else that
went wrong since then (minor things) were colored by this 3 week
old perception NOT BEING CLEARED UP. And those minor problems
become huge problems…depression.

In therpay, we went back to the origiginal hurt (looking at my pictures)
and looked at how the past affected that moment
(being called fat all my life). We then logically looked
at whether I really was fat and what the pictures looked like and I
realize that in a knee jerk manner I had looked at the pictures
and judged them like I had been judged as a child.

Just connecting the current incident with the one from childhood
lessened the hurt, the sting of the current incident. Everything
lightened up a bit as I cleaned my perceptual screen.

I feel better now, but I always have to be on guard for the
mis-perceptions that come along and trigger my childhood reaction.
I guess the moral to this story is that I would be so much worse
off if I didn’t go back to these incidents and re-examine what
happened when I opened that package of pictures.

You mentioned, “I started to feel a bit blue and tired about
3 weeks ago” and if that were me I would look to see what
that incident was 3 weeks ago and see how that
related to a childhood hurt.

We can work this stuff if given the right tools and knowledge…

Dear You

I feel like I need to explain things to you
about me, so maybe you could look at me differently
than you do right now.

I know you need to protect the world from me, why not?
I’m pretty mean and nasty especially in the current
state of depression that has gripped me.

Not to mention protect yourself from this unreasonable
person (me) that exudes anger and nastiness. It’s only natural
to reflect back that anger, mirror that anger right back!

But maybe if you knew what was going on with me, inside
me, you wouldn’t be so quick to judge and would be able to
have sympathy for the impossible predicament I am in:

I’ve been massively depressed; sad. I am full of self-hatred,
full of doubt and loneliness. I don’t know how to treat friends
and am baffled why the ones I have cannot reach out to me.

I am a little boy inside, a latch-key kid that is still home alone,
terrified of the world outside yet desparate for some kind of
interaction and love; addicted to the solitude, but wanting to go out.

So all day long at work, I’m trying to stuff this sadness but when
I do that it comes out as anger. Maybe if I just cried uncontrollably
I would feel better, but really that’s not an option…

And here we go, another weekend with nothing to do,
another weekend of friends that won’t commit, of plans
that cancel and loneliness that eats at me.

This is my reality, my responsibility and my choice…

But maybe you could take it less personally knowing
that this mood is just my insides crying out in a time
where I am learning to create a better reality for myself.

This is the hardest part for me in all of this recovery
because I am opening up for the first time. So, I totally understand
the need to protect, it is right. But maybe it lessens the intensity a bit
knowing how sad I am inside and how much it isn’t meant for you.

It’s hard to ask for patience with me…

Subtlety

the subtlety of a throat constricting
the subtlety of neck muscles tightening
of that certain malaise
of that sense of dread…

fragmentation is of personality
anger is of self-hatred
depression is turned inward and suffering
is not even knowing what the hell is happening.

All my life I thought that this is just
how things feel. All my life I thought
that there was no other choice…All
my life…all my life.

But now I know.

And a lot of the time as I find
myself utterly alone and incredibly
sad, I kinda wish that I could go back
to the disillusionment of being a mess.

Ignorance is not bliss, ignorance is getting by…

sigh-

(sigh)

Speaking in general the most difficult barrier is the conquest of
lying. A man lies so much and so constantly both to himself and to
others that he ceases to notice it. And the first effort required is
to conquer lying.

G. Gurdjieff

Not Each Other

What you should do is stop pissing into the wind.

Instead of hating another race and wasting your
passion here on something as useless and unrewarding
as racism you should be directing that energy where it
really should be pointed at, at the real source
of your suffering:

Your corrupt Corporate run Government. The people in
charge piss on the public. They piss on you! They
are the ones infringing on you and encroaching on
you and in control of you.

They get rich while you masturbate to this racist
nonsense. Do something about that! Get pissed at
that! Fight your corporate controlled government and
leave the other beleagured humans alone.

Stop pissing into the wind.

———————————————————————–

why the fuck should anyone pay black people
today for slavery over 200 years ago.
I want your feed back.
MY ancestors all owned slaves on my mothers
side from virginia to Lousainia. yes virginia had
slaves…..so please dont say virginia was
northern state. ok so if you are the judge
here is what you need to tell me.

how much should I pay?
Who should I pay it too?
and why the fuck should i pay it