I would say that anyone exposed to an alcoholic like your mom was would then be lacking in some of the self-parenting skills needed by a healthy individual to grow and florish.
And if mom didn’t get the skills needed, maybe she couldn’t have passed them on to you.
And then everything you talk about that she did to you sounds like exactly what most of us has experienced living with an alcoholic personality…actually she sounds a lot like my mom!
In a larger sense and after having been in this recovery for 5 years, I am seeing the pervasiveness that this issue is imbedded in our society. Millions upon millions of people all lacking in the proper self-parenting skills.
I think the biggest thing is to look at your own situation honestly and work to clear up your own areas where you feel you need help.
In other words: Welcome to ACOA. This is about healing your inner self. Be it alcohol, drug abuse, work-a-holic, dry drunk…we are a people waking up to our true selves and maybe even evolving to be happier, more self-supporting human beings.
Honest self-evaluation is the first step.
Great job Joyce.
Drew
———————————————————————————-
Joyce said:
Hello — I was wondering if anyone has experience or knowledge of grandchildren of alcoholics? My maternal Grandmother was an alcoholic and my Mother suffered a miserable childhood — except for the days she spent with “her” grandmother. My Mother is now 79 years old and is a wonderfully, sweet person who raised my 4 brothers and I .. after my father died of cancer. She provided a clean and safe home environment.
I am blessed that I was not abused nor did I suffer growing up with an alcoholic parent. However, my Mother has never had a positive self-esteem and she consistently “put us down” during our childhood. I am confident she did not know she was doing this .. she was never cruel … she was more negative .. such as, “Why would you want to try out for that club, you’ll never be admitted?” “You have such stringy hair.” “Oh, you know Susan, she’s just bashful.” “Oh, my son John applied for that job but he’ll never get it.” “Why is your name printed in bold — did you do something wrong?” “Why is your marriage in trouble — are you not cooking for your husband?” Again, I do not believe she doubted us … instead, she doubted her own abilities and unconsciously viewed us as “products of her” .. thus, how could she promote us when she felt so inferior herself? She seemed to believe that it was better to negate us … or she would seem boastful.
The result after many, many years of this — has been that we all suffer major self-esteem issues. It has contributed to bad marriages. We never discuss anything directly — rather we all seem to hide behind dysfunction. Our respective spouses battle one another over trite issues and we pretend it is not happening or we refuse to acknowledge it and how it hurts their feelings. We are afraid to address the issues. We doubt our own abilities which has limited our careers at times. Some of us have spent $1000’s of dollars on therapy.
Even as I write this, I feel guilty. I know some of you have suffered unspeakable harm — and I am complaining about this? Sometimes, I feel it would be easier to accept had I been raised by an alcoholic.
However, a therapist told me that grandchildren of alcoholics can suffer some of the same dysfunction … even if there is never a drop of alcohol in their homes.
I’m sorry to bother you with this — however, I struggle with it daily. Now that I am in my mid-40’s, it seems to be bothering me more .. maybe mid-life crisis. I have tried the technique of self-talk and re-parenting myself, but without much success.
A friend referred me to the ACA website and the “laundry list” sounded SO FAMILIAR to me. However, there are no chapters within 150 miles of where I live.
If anyone can relate or has advice, I will certainly be thankful. I appreciate the opportunity to share this today.