Archive for June, 2007

Drug Wars and Our Bodies

Dear Baby Boomers:

I’m seeing a trend that a lot of these same people that are OK with the drug war are in some cases, Pro-choice, which blows my mind. The drug war is a civil rights issue just as abortion is about what a woman can do with her body; what you can do with your own body.

These same people that support Choice are saying the opposite about drugs and legalization. And a lot of these people are also Baby Boomers!!!

That frustrates me to no end. The ‘Me Generation’ with their free love and peace baloney are now proponents of a war on drugs…

Fuck! Stay outta my fucking body!

What, forty years removed from the revolution, the sixties and you people have already changed your tune about our freedoms? You people who advocated human rights, civil rights and less government have turned the volume up on the drug war and now advocate it as if you were never the potheads, never the acid queens…

Look folks, ‘the times they are a changin’” or whatever the lost saying was. It’s time to really separate ourselves from the monolith that is this governmental control. Time to stop legislating humans and start legislating the real culprits in this war: corporations and the elite ruling class - Politicians, the rich, CEOs - listen up:

We are waking up.

Binge Journal #12

Well, I went to the Doctor (General Practitioner) for a semi-annual checkup thing that I have to go to because they won’t give me my happy drugs (Celexa 20mg - SSRI.) And as always they do they measured my blood pressure, temperature and my weight…

I don’t own a scale and was, I guess, avoiding weighing myself to not fall in the trap of ‘nickel and diming’ myself over how many pounds I weighed or lost. So basically, I was excited to see where I had gotten to over the last few weeks of weight loss/workout mode. I jumped up on the traditional looking scale and moved the weights to their appropriate position for the nurse.

I had gained 10 pounds since the last visit.

Gained? Ten pounds? You’re kidding right? I mean, I can see the difference in the shapes of my stomach, my sides, my face. Ten pounds? I can see the changes as clear as day! What the hell do you mean I gained ten pounds?

“Sometimes, when you start working out you gain weight because muscle weighs more than fat.”

(Know the truth, know the truth. Don’t let everything slip to shame and pain. You are on the right path, you are making headway.)

I know this isn’t a sign that I am going backwards and I know that because I am addressing my binge eating in a low-impact, compassionate way that I am going to change the way I look, the amount I weigh, I will be successful.

And one of the biggest habits I am changing is how I ’see’ myself, how I see this body of mine. For the first time in my life I am starting to see it impartially as a outsider would see it, without judgement, without criticism. I just need to keep fighting this good fight and keep altering the ancient way that are my eating habits.

(But that voice is in my head, niggling at me, trying to drag me down.)

To a Friend

“Would love to hear updates if ever there’s time!”
(’cause I know you love poetry - sarcasm)

There is time:

bigger soul, improved
heart sound and full,
love alive in mind and soul and heart
sound bouncing
time displaced
same place
same time
same awareness
politics and politics and politics are calling
my mind expanding
maturity growth and stamina

I’m well and think of you often
you save animals and love
them, you bounce through adventure
with an eye for more
you bound with honesty and wear
sleeveless shirts that let blood
spill from a heart of gold

“So let me walk these coals
till you believe
that I can
cut the mustard,
well enough”

You hear it all the time. those that want
you to believe, to understand.

And I’m the same but different,
growing fastidiously into the body
that I have come to wear, filling
out the cuffs, these sleeves, the pant legs
not starched but straight and narrow
for the love of my know and the worry
of my day.

I’m heavy with a summer and sent back
to find the shirts that make me remember.

I send you love. This is modern.

Daylight Noir, 8:40 AM

A Street cleaner
blocks traffic
and kicks dust
on the hazy gloom
of this foggy spring-hot
June morning. 8:45, Tuesday.

I follow you home,
watch from a nearby
doorway, naked
under my trenchcoat
you entered
strange houses before
and removed your clothes
and made love to someone
you didn’t know…8:55 AM

You bought guns and pop
then left town to discover
a murder spree
of your own, I shadowed,
swallowed you for miles
and watched
Santa Ana destruction.
I live on gas station
coffee and hot dogs
and sleep on the steering wheel.
9:00 AM, still tuesday

Still air and the quiet
of a city struggling
to keep me under
your thumb. I bathe
In gas station sinks
and I do it with
an utter sense

of that fog that drifts
through the city.
I lose site of your car then turn off onto my own street.
9:05 AM Tuesday.

Home is where you’re not. I’ll start there.

Homeland Security

“Since taking over Congress in January, Democrats have already awarded veterans and homeland security programs significant budget boosts, first when wrapping up last year’s unfinished budget work and also last month when passing the Iraq war funding bill.”

And I’m thinking to myself: Ok, the Democratic Congress has done some good? The very LEAST we can do is provide for the injured we are creating, something the Bush Admin was not doing?! Wait. What?!

Why would Bush not take care of the troops? Is he and this admin just incompetent? Were we always this incompetent as a society? No. No?

Maybe Bush is so used to being diametrically opposed to us, as we to him, that he is doing the opposite by habit only; “No one can tell me what to do!” Partisan to the death…

Or am I just witnessing ancient corruption exposed by the hyper-coverage of the Internet?

I’m sorry if this isn’t germane to the thread…

I have an anger and a malaise in me for my government, for corporations that is so intense and muddled that I get worked up. This is why I am addicted to Reddit. I can’t stop watching this train wreck :-|

Orginial article.

Binge Journal #11

It has been a bit of time since my last entry. I am still going along with my current course of discipline: meal size, mindless binging and adding to my workout load ever so slightly.

At first, rather quickly, I could see changes to my overall body shape. The fact that my apartment is full of mirrors, I could easily see a difference in shape of the problem areas (love handles, breasts, face). Three weeks later, the changes are still happening but not at the rate that they were happening at the beginning. This has been the source of some amount of letdown for me. I am trying not to feel shame or be mean to myself over this as I know that this will take some time as my body adjusts to the new amount of food and the new types of exercise.

The weird thing is how my body is changing shape. It looks more awkward now than when I was carrying the extra weight. I know this is probably temporary and will try not to let this fact and my propensity towards body dysmorphia.

All in all, I feel a great amount of hope that I will, for the first time in my life, actually see some change in my body shape. I have hope that I will be healthier and more streamline as well as not so obsessed with food.

That’s until tomorrow when all of this will probably shift and I might be back hating my body and seeing it as a massive fat blob.

Straddle The Line - The Impossibility of Gen X

Generation X beware! Many of us straddle the line between Inundation and Abandonment. This line is a fine and narrow path and extremely hard to navigate.

One the one hand you want to be with someone, be with people to alleviate the feelings of alone, abandonment. We can substitute sound or light (TV, radio, computer) for humans but by no means can there be silence, calmness or content.

One the other hand these thing make us want to run. People make us want to run. We feel inundated by everything and anything and want to dash away in hopes of being alone, being away from these things and all people.

See the incongruity? Don’t want to be abandoned, don’t want to be with anyone. Impossible situation.

Some aspects of these tightrope walkers:

Feel split off from feelings, aliveness, Self body soul - “In the head”, always over thinking things. Literally cannot feel the feelings that express what the needs are to be.

Automatic No – “No one can tell me what to do, not even myself” - Object to all things automatically. Hardcore cynic, know-it-all, always ruminating things over until they are beaten to death.

Idea of how things should be and clings to it – this relates to avoiding change, avoiding looking at the problem; terrified of looking or admitting that anything has become unmanagable. Sure that their way is the right way or the highway.

Treat Self as an object; and others to be possessed and kept, held - No feeling that they are a person. No boundaries are kept cause they are at the discretion of others; they are property, chattel. They are there for the service of others and loved ones are possessions; jealousy, greed - emotions are over-the-top and distorted.

Intimate Relationships are not too close and not too far away – COME HERE, NO! GO AWAY. Related to that line of abandonment/inundation. Never let anyone all the way in cause they will just leave. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the lover to dump them. Physically, this manifests in exactly this same way so that a person will be panicked by someone coming into their personal space yet feel abandoned when that same person leaves the space.

Authenticity Gap: Lie up or Lie down - Those little white lies we hold so dear. Lying is an art form in this society, the exaggeration, the advertisement. And we all accept this and expect it. The tightrope walker thinks that everything, for it to have merit, must be bigger or more than its true size in order to be of value. Emotions must be devastating for anyone to care. They also play things down so people won’t realize that inside, they are really an absolute mess.

Hi, I’m Drew, and I’m a tightrope walker.

Awesome Prank at Best Buy store

This is a link to a prank performed by improveeverywhere…

It is civil disobedience!

How?

Sheer annoyance. Skirting the laws. public displays. we are here, we are waking up. We are becoming self-aware in ways that the government doesn’t understand. This may be a small and seemingly silly act by a group of people, but really, this is a way to push back without getting angry or getting arrested.

Testing the waters of civil disobedience.

Push back against what? Sounds more like a bunch of privileged, self-important wankers trying to justify their goofing off.

ETA: “Civil disobedience without getting arrested” isn’t civil disobedience.

That sounds like a comment based in the judeo-christian work ethic that basically states that all people must have a job, must follow the party line and must work towards state sponsored goals to have any value to society.

I would rather see some people spend their time like this, challenging mores and societal rules, as opposed to flowing along like sheep in the pen waiting for the next morsel from big brother.

Imagination is key here. BTW, who said there is a hard and fast rules on what is and isn’t civil diobedience?

That would be the opposite of civil disobedience. How can there be so many rules for an idea that is based in lawlessness and anarchistic models…

Anything that rattles the establisment (govt and corporations) seems like a good thing to me.

No, it’s based in anti-elitism and a resentment of privileged folks (mostly white boys with too much money and free time) deciding that they get to elect themselves arbiters of what the “sheep” should care about, and that obnoxious pranks take on social importance when they’re in on them.

I feel that your comment is based on all the particpants being bored white rich kids. If you watch the video of the ‘prank’, there are young women (20s), older women (30s) older man (50) and his two daughters (12)…are they elitist? Maybe…you totally have a point about being bored. This could be a bored prank thats fair. But not to an American right now. It means more right now.

At its very worst this ‘prank’ reminds us, as a society, to keep a sense of disobedience against the State, the governing power, or you get things like this disastorous Bush regime, lawless corporations and the ongoing rape of the Earth.

Know what I mean?

I, being American, want a revolution right now! If you are an American under the age of 50, any sign of a fucking pulse from your fellow Americans is a piece of utter Hope…

Just the idea that we may wake up from this corporate takeover, this globalization, this malaise :(

Thank you elitist rich white bored kids…