Archive for July, 2007

He’s Crazy (070724)

(he’s the guy that’s always getting dumped - you know - that friend that couldn’t get a girl if they were giving them away and when he finally does get with someone he ruins it by becoming jealous, depressed, anxious, paranoid - Well he finally decides not to take ‘no’ for an answer.)

A file clerk for a prestigious law firm tries to be one of the ‘guys’, one of the womanizing, slick, rich lawyers he works around. He’s tired of women looking down on him and not giving him the time of day. He gathers the support of one of the firm’s brightest stars that got him his job and offers to help him become more slick.

And he meets his dream, the girl next door. She’s beautiful, funny as hell, smart, sarcastic and loves sex. What more could he want? He falls head over heels and everything is going well, until - he takes her to meet the ‘guys’, the lawyers at an expensive club. He starts getting paranoid as she flirts around with the group and dances the night away. His worst nightmares come true as she purposely dumps him on the spot and goes home with one of the lawyers.

He is devastated and disappears from work - no show. The lawyer friend comes to find him wallowing in his apartment, unable to do the basics. He helps the guy get back to functioning and helps build his spirit. Much to the lawyers chagrin the clerk gathers his strength and decides to not take it lying down and fight to get her back. The lawyer tries to stop him but can’t.

That night the Clerk returns to the club to confront the girl to find that not only has she moved on from the first lawyer to another one of the friends, but the first lawyer she was with is a mess: jealous, angry, lurking - he is also trying to get her back! The Clerk is stunned and unsure how to handle it. He finds the right time and confronts her. She tries to be nice but he won’t take no for an answer.

He refuses to let go. The girl implores. And that’s when things get ugly. She threatens to kill him if he doesn’t back off. On top of that the first lawyer she was with loses his junk and attacks the next lawyer in line with the girl. He’s goes foaming at the mouth loony and is arrested and thrown in the loony bin.

But now our Clerk is obsessed. What is she doing and why? And why would she so quickly forsake their love. And what the hell is she doing to these guys. One by one they are going off the deep end.

Can he figure it out before he becomes the next victim of “Crazy”?

Healthy Detachment

Detachment is a state in which a person, theoretically, overcomes his or her attachment to desire for things, people or concepts of the world and thus attains a heightened perspective. Detachment as release from desire and consequently from suffering is an important principle in Hinduism, Buddhism, the Bahá’í Faith and Kabbalah. In psychology it is referred to as dissociation or apathy. Many feminist epistemologists have questioned the viability of such a state of detachment, particularly as it contributes to the ‘view from nowhere’ of objectivity.

The Hindu view of detachment requires further explanation. It comes from the understanding of the nature of existence and the true ultimate state sought is that of being in the moment. In other words, while one is responsible and active, one does not worry about the past or future. The detachment is towards the result of ones actions rather than towards everything in life.

I think the hardest things to detach from are the more subtle ones: someone else’s opinion of you, what our parent’s thought of us and how they treated and guided our life. We learned a lot of things in childhood we still use as tools today; immature things, broken strategies, defense mechanisms.

It’s these tools that create false attachments - fretting, exaggeration, rumination, indecision, shame, internalization, depression - all this reinforced by society/parent/unequipped-child’s image of who you should be…

I like the old saying, “Your opinion of me is none of my business.” because it hints at a truth underneath all the layers of automatic reactions and neurosis. A perfect and whole truth.

Simmering

Scared of everything, scared of intentions, scared of inaction and all things I know that need to be done cause I can’t do them…I’m stuck here and cannot move.

And they did this to me, created a zombie and then disappeared from my life like a dream or ghosts ad so there isn’t anyone left to blame.

And you know, I’m not sure that I am really suppose to be here (this city, this planet, this time and place and Earth.) It’s like a movie, probably science fiction, about a time travel experiment

that goes terribly wrong and creates a fissure in the space/time continuum that sucks everything into its goddamn vortex and I just happen to be plopping along and get to fucking

close and get sucked into the event horizon. So I’m in the middle of two time, two eras, belonging to neither and stuck.

I can see what I am suppose to do, in both times, I can see the time, the effort, the energy and the purpose of where and when and how I am suppose to be, what I’m suppose to do and

who I really am. And the real issue here is that-

To Admit - Inner Hell

I know this will sound awful but I think that by saying it out loud then I might be able to let go of it a little bit and maybe feel less fragmented than I do right now. I know this is even kind of taboo but I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. I have felt this way all of my life that I can remember and I will now share with you this fact:

I hate myself…

And man, does it suck. I was always a heavy kid and have kept that weight till this day. My father used to call me ‘pork chop’ and ‘tubby’ and was the kind of role model that one usually finds when reviewing the history of some serial killer. Thankfully, I received love and compassion from my maternal grandmother and doses of clarity and love from my mother (although, she did become just as much a part of the problem as my dad.)

Let me say it again for the whole world (or the three people who have ever read my blog), let me shout it at the rooftops:

I hate myself

Really, I’d like a ‘do over’ on my life, on my childhood and most of my adulthood. Is that possible? Can I have a do over? I want to be thin and have more hair without the fucking widow’s peak that I have had since I was in fucking high school. Is that too much to ask?

Also, I would like to have parents that had enough self confidence to instill in me a sense of confidence as well. I would like for them to not have addicted personalities which stem from their big fucking HOLE in their heart as handed down by their parents. I would want these new parents in my new childhood to extol my virtues, support my intelligence and if it’s not asking too much, not leave me alone for years at a time based on the baby boomer (fuckers) assumption that a kid that smart should be left alone to his own devices to figure it out in a natural way, in his own time. I don’t want that. Because that helps lead me to-

hate myself

Yeah well, you can’t go back. there are no redos and you have to play the hand you are dealt because you are a goddamn zombie, created by baby boomers and if you are going to change anything you are going to have to do it with hard work and a sense of finding out exactly who you are and where you are going.

In other words Drew, you are going to have to be your own good parent…

Knowing that, begrudgingly I recite The Good Parent Messages to myself:

  • I love you
  • I want you
  • You are special to me
  • I see you and I hear you
  • It’s not what you do but who you are that I love
  • I love you and I give you permission to be different from me
  • I’ll take care of you
  • My love will make you well
  • I’ll be there for you; I’ll be there even when you die
  • You can trust me
  • You can trust your inner voice
  • Sometimes I will tell you no and that’s because I love you
  • You don’t have to be alone anymore
  • You don’t have to be afraid anymore
  • I feel your love and take it in

(sigh) I still hate myself…

Bastille Day - 714 - Gen X

Hooray for the French Revolution! I am the Prince of Bastille Day (according to my friends in Tallahassee Florida that celebrate the day by getting drunk and popping Quaaludes (marked with ‘714′ on the pill). Therefore they made me the “Prince” of Bastille Day and would dose my beers with quaaludes until I passed out.) Hooray for Quaaludes!

I was born or hatched on July 14, 1969…the summer of love. Some would say a great time to be born! I say, “thanks for nothing”. Why?

I was born Gen X, of the Baby Boomers, during the summer of love and the heyday of the “Me” Generation. A group of American’s that account for the biggest generation ever, some 75 million strong and quickly growing elderly, these folks took their newfound freedom to mean that all bets were off and the rearing of children could be outsourced - divorce, working parents, latch-key, broken economy, lost values, and an about-face when it comes to the ideals that they fought for in the 60ies and 70ies.

But I am not here to bury the Boomers, I am here to celebrate the day of my birth that is also the birthday of Ingmar Bergman, one of the greatest film directors to grace the Earth.

  • 7/14/1969 - 714 - 21…
  • 714 was the total number of home runs Babe Ruth hit
  • 714 was the badge number of Sgt. Joe Friday, played by Jack Webb in the radio and television series Dragnet.
  • 714 Delaware Street was the home address of the Connors in the television series Roseanne.
  • Area code 714 was the telephone area code for most of Southern California beyond Los Angeles County during the 1960s and 1970s. It would later be reduced in size until it essentially only covered portions of Orange County.
  • 714 is a slang term for the drug, methaqualone. This is due to the fact that 714 was stamped on the tablet sold under the brand name Quaalude by William H Rorer Inc.
  • (Thank you Wikipedia) Now back to bitching…

    So basically, I am a grumpy Generation X member that is listless, lazy and lost in space. I will leave you with a quote from a mid-nineties article in Time Magazine that tells you who I am, who Gen X is, much better than I could:

    . . .They possess only a hazy sense of their own identity but a monumental preoccupation with all the problems the preceding generation will leave for them to fix . . .This is the twentysomething generation, those 48 million young Americans ages 18 through 29 who fall between the famous baby boomers and the boomlet of children the baby boomers are producing. Since today’s young adults were born during a period when the U.S. birthrate decreased to half the level of its postwar peak, in the wake of the great baby boom, they are sometimes called the baby busters. By whatever name, so far they are an unsung generation, hardly recognized as a social force or even noticed much at all…By and large, the 18-to-29 group scornfully rejects the habits and values of the baby boomers, viewing that group as self-centered, fickle and impractical.While the baby boomers had a placid childhood in the 1950s, which helped inspire them to start their revolution, today’s twentysomething generation grew up in a time of drugs, divorce and economic strain. . .They feel paralyzed by the social problems they see as their inheritance: racial strife, homelessness, AIDS, fractured families and federal deficits.

Binge Journal #13

Patience is a virtue that I am learning but I have little or no patience
for waiting so…I bash myself.

My Body Dysmorphia is driving me bonkers. It’s like being on acid sometimes when I realize that the mental image I have of my body rarely matches the image that is the reality I see in the mirror. This can become extremely disconcerting, especially in the middle of the night when you are peeing, look up and see someone you don’t recognize.

Stopping the binge behavior (like the stuffing) is extremely hard, especially when I am alone so much of the time. Being lonely is the touchstone for me to become mindless about eating, that much I now know. My habit is to be alone and with that comes the loneliness and then the eating. So the answer would be to be more social…

I have to work on the two things concurrently because they are so intertwined. This is all an elaborate set-up that the little kid in me built when I was young and my parents weren’t doing the job that would have led me to a better system.

That’s where I’m at…

Punditry

>Speaking in general the most difficult barrier is the conquest of lying. A man lies so much and so constantly both to himself and to others that he ceases to notice it. And the first effort required is to conquer lying. -G. Gurdjieff

(sigh)

Is it right to lie to get what you want or to get your way? For any reason?

Tin Foil Hats…Thank You CIA!

All the darkest fears, all the conspiracy extremes; every bit of our imagination and tin foil-hat paranoia…turns out…it’s true :(

http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/

http://www.frankolsonproject.org

In case you have no idea what I am talking about…last week the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency) released thousands of pages of documents revealing the scary-ass shit they perpetrated on civilians, children and anyone that got too close throughout the 50ies, 60ies and 70ies.

Mind control, psychadelic research, unwitting victims, hiding the facts, murder, mutilation…and you thought that stuff was just conspiracy crap…