Archive for November, 2007

Letter to a Young Man

Honestly? If I were you, I wouldn’t listen to me.

Have you ever heard the expression, “No one can tell me what to do”? There’s a companion expression used by recovery groups (alcohol, drugs, behavior): “No one can tell me what to do, not even myself.” It refers to the behavioral phenomena of not being able to stop one’s own destructive behavior, even when it means pain, sadness or loss.

But there’s also another way to look at that expression. ‘No one can tell me what to do” can also refer to the fire to be the best and can breed a healthy distrust of beliefs, people and especially government that ultimately leads to our greatest advances and strongest individuals throughout history.

The power that lies behind this expression can be cultivated into a miraculous tool as an individual can at once lift this ban (on what people tell you) to collect valuable information and skills that allow you to not have to start from scratch while at the same time keeping a healthy ‘distrust’ for bad information, bad people and mis-truth.

There is a balance. ‘No one can tell me what to do’ is a behavior that in any one of the extremes (never listen, niave) is very detrimental to an ease of living and can stop advancement in career, love and life. But in the right amounts at the right time, anything is possible.

As I moved forward in life and started recovering from a hard childhood, this topic came to be a central issue in the move forward to a healthier, happier me. Real change started when I understood how this dichotomy worked. I was better for being able to allow some more things in and leave other things out.

But I wouldn’t listen to me if I were you because no one can tell me…

Fixer

Some people have entire subsets of friends/acquaintances that have become what almost seems to be ‘children’ to them. What I mean is that, I know this guy, that has a string of friends that, because of the way he is, are like children that he has adopted and assumed a role of responsibility towards. He not only feels responsible but they approach him and react from a place of child to guardian, often acting out, looking for approval, seeking advice, guidance.

“Because of the way he is”

Oh. He’s a ‘fixer’. But not only is he a fixer, he is one of the best; one of the best amateur psychiatrists to ever walk the planet and been doing so at a high level since he was about 5 years old (thanks Mom!)

But it leaves one feeling cold as the fixer doesn’t get fixed. Who would do it?

Children aren’t quite available to give support and love when one deals with them and nor should they be. But this doesn’t help him much when the fixer’s child inside needs fixing.

Nothing lies on the outside of me

It hurts, it helps, it tells the lies
of person-hood, of maturity and time
and patience of we want it all.

Time is a drama whose pace we set
and veracity we choose. The experience
is ours alone, the mood a single
response to outside stimulus.

I am loved.

—————–

Crazy (071119) Outline



Act One:

  • Montage: Slacker RUSS gets dumped, over and over by every woman he dates
  • Intro: Best friend/roommate BECK - A female Detective wanna-be that is in love with hardboiled detectives and Russ - Russ not interested that way
  • Meet friend Tommy, ex-slacker - high powered lawyer - got Russ his job (file clerk) - meet Bruce the evil Lawyer (#2) that loves to mock Russ
  • Intro Theme: How’s anybody going to like you when you don’t like you?
  • Client/Lawyer party at strip club - Russ meets BILLY beautiful stripper bartender- they hit it off - talk all night She won’t have sex with him but they sleep together - breakfast/intimacy - he misses work
  • Runs to Beck - he’s in love, Billy is the greatest…Beck doesn’t want to hear it
  • Russ runs to Tommy about missing work, tells him he’s in love w/ stripper bartender - Big boss comes with Bruce and scolds Russ and shoos him off to tell Tommy about something. Boss asks Tommy about Russ and if he can be trusted. Then he kids him about the strippers from the night before.
  • Office party - Russ waiting for Billy to call is dragged to party with Tommy - Billy is there with Bruce - she disappears with him, Russ follows and
  • Russ finds Billy fucking Bruce - She tries to stop Russ from leaving - he’s gone
  • Depression Montage
  • Tommy tries to cheer him up. Beck brings him favorite food.
  • Tommy - You always give up because you think you don’t deserve anyone loving you - but you do…go get her.
  • Russ finds Billy and demands an explanation - She can’t lie to him but refuses to explain herself - we aren’t married, I have no responsibility to you - she leaves
  • Beck starts investigating Billy
  • Russ confronts Billy at club - Bruce is there with the lawyers - she agrees to meet Russ if he goes away.
  • She meets him for drinks and they argue but it turns to fun, the old chemistry - She fucks him and they are in love - they must hide it.


  • Act Two:

  • HIDING their Love Montage - Billy and Russ - BEHIND BRYCE’S BACK sex and more sex, fun, dreamy
  • Billy makes Russ promise to tell no one about them especially the Lawyer Bruce who she is still seeing - He begs her to dump him - she tells Russ that she will have to let him go soon - he laughs this off, she makes a point of telling him that she has to. When he presses she walks out.
  • Bruce at work is raving - complains he knows Billy is cheating on him - sounds crazy
  • Becky discovers that Billy is related to the Big Boss!
  • Becky has run-in with Bruce
  • Becky finds Russ and Billy - Billy bolts - tries to tell Russ about Billy’s relation to boss. He’s not interested.
  • Bruce is hallucinating fighting - accusing Tommy of fucking Billy, paranoid- attacks Tommy and is taken away. Becky finds a flask he drinks from and steals it.
  • Russ finds out that Billy is with Tommy now - he is devastated.
  • Billy won’t see Russ. “I told you that I was moving on”
  • Becky finds that flask has an exotic poison
  • He finds Tommy (utterly depressed - a mess) and confronts - “I’m taking your advice and not giving up” - He tries to find out where Billy is but Tommy is not well - sick. He slips into a delusional state but gives Russ an invitation to a fancy party. Tommy is taken away.
  • Becky traces Billy’s past to the family of the Big Boss. She finds a clue that she is out for revenge.
  • Russ dresses up (1st time) and looks adult. He goes to the party and finds Billy there with the big boss
  • Russ tries every trick to get her to go away from him. He starts fight with Big Boss. Billy doses him with the poison.
  • Russ goes on a trip of a lifetime as the drugs kick in - sees his own death - suicide - being alone. They take him away.


  • Act Three:

  • Becky helps him come back
  • Russ regroups and plans to find her…revenge? Still in love?
  • Finds her - with the Big Boss.
  • FINALE - Unknown - what does he want from her now. Is he a better man now or still just a little boy?
  • Final Image - the guy that always get dumped get?????
  • He changes his name to Christian or something more butch like JOHN.

Moving to

Were moving real fast now
lots to do and lots to see
these thoughts were made for stacking
our ears a cofferdam await for
meditation, relaxation, something subtle moving
these ruminations, these lacerating a focus
unknown in these parts as the heart
parses tasks and assigns duties;
heart’s a coffer dam for darker speeches
on terminal sentences that span
books, fill newspapers and feel
the greed-like run-on of now. You’d have to admit,

there, beauty lies as minds ally and gentle blows
the water by the dam cause no
one can tell them what to do but when they do,
they will be none the wiser.

Edgar Cayce Dies in Limbo

Go easy on each other.

Call me please, call me
sure, call me Nostradamus, seer
of conjecture, poet of tin foil-hat lovers.
Call me ugly prince, call me
total annihilation, I am here alive, alone and wet.

I’m Edgar Cayce in a marriage of convenience,
I lie in a bed of nails to avoid my love of
my fear, my hate and focus on the future
to tap the primordial, the Universe,
the sanctity of a marriage gone wrong.

This is my own self-induced trance,
this is how people start, they work to avoid-
My Victorian is an eyesore, yard with weeds, bramble
you ramble you break the rake to set the tempo of
the bags under my eyes with leaves itchy grass-stare.

Bleary weeks of unopened mail, dishes pile and garbage
stacks and clacks like a tambourine counting time,
counting the beat and drumming my fingers-
Everybody waits…

no better than chance, these guesses
no better than chance, for all the wrong reasons

Go easy on each other, go easy on yourself,
from Texas to Virginia Beach the setting doesn’t change
The victims lack the personhood and your letters
mean the same. Call me please,

Call me chance, call me Nostradamus, a seer
a user, the self-appointed gothic king of dreams.
Jesus was no different, his Christ was not his own,
He didn’t start the movement, just lived to sell the show.

I’m Edgar Cayce with a limp, my powers tell the tale
collective consciousness is our warp and creed,
I believe in nothing.

Go easy on me Edgar

Just another disappointment (and my tongue)

…that’s all.

When you straddle the line between inundation and abandonment, there tends to be a constant push and pull when it comes to relationships. I haven’t had sniff or hint of of relationship since my last one that I extricated myself and was extricated from. This was at the beginning of my recovery and I hesitate to reveal the number of year ago that was for embarrassment and irony and pain. (maybe I’ll tell you later)

She was a good friend and then a lover and now just a reminder that I am stuck or seem stuck alone and with what seems to be no avenue to allow myself to love. But when I approach love or the avenue that leads to love I find myself slamming up against this dichotomy of wanting to be with someone and have caring, support and companionship and this other overwhelming feeling of desperately not wanting to lose the time that I have promised and provided to myself, my inner self.

And then I contacted her a few days ago to get together and get caught up on how the other one is, and I liken this dance I do with her to my inclination, when young, to sticking my tongue on 9-volt batteries. Now when I look back on this habit I realize the motivation was to give myself a jolt, to give myself a wake-up call via my body and the sensations that remind me that I am a ‘living and feeling’ human being.

And that’s what she is for me at this point, a reminder, a reminder that I have ceased to feel in the way that most everybody else can take for granted. I cannot feel if I am constantly avoiding myself, my needs, my feelings and so, it became time to stick my tongue to the battery of her, once more.

And of course she tells me about her new ‘other’ and the devastation begins, almost 4 years after we broke up (yes, you heard right, 4 years!)

The sting of the battery on my tongue tickles my nose, vibrates my teeth and wakes me up to the place where I am, the body that I sit within. A zombie needs these things to remind him that he truly is alive. A zombie must remember what it is like to be alive or he is doomed to wander the world alone, un-dead, unfeeling, uncaring, unannounced, without love, without friends, without…

And she was that battery last night, the battery that wakes me up to the emotions and feelings that I have been avoiding so fervently the last few months. But with waking up comes hurt, real hurt and pain.

And I don’t want to be alone anymore - you don’t have to be alone anymore, you don’t have to afraid anymore - I feel your love and take it in