Archive for January, 2008

Crazy (080128) Outline - REWRITE-Act3

(Note: If you want to see this process in order, chronologically, you can sort on the left hand side of the page in CATEGORIES. Just select Script/Crazy and then you will get the articles in this series, in order starting with the latest)

Act Three:

  • The Trip - acid+e+depression+imagination - 24 hrs of tripping
  • Hospitals, a day, two days, a week - cops - questioning, Chris denies knowing Billy. Blames the ecstasy on the club and the parties.
  • Beck gets in finally to visit him. Tells him the story: Bryce killed himself and they only found ecstasy in him. Beck took the info on Billy to the cops and they ignored them. Chris asks her if Billy asked about him. Beck is horrified that he’s so pathetic. The cops catch Beck and throw her out - warning her to stop pursuing this.
  • Chris escapes from the Hospital with beck’s help.
  • They find Billy living at the Mr. Rockfer’s house.
  • She is about to kill the big boss when Chris breaks in - Don’t try to stop me!
  • Boss catches them and comes after them to kill them
  • A chase
  • Kill the Boss
  • Beck or Billy? he chooses…
  • In love, happily ever after
  • The end - Final Image - the guy that always get dumped get

Thank you Montel Williams

No offense Heath but, we have so much corruption in our government, so much pain and dying in our illegal Iraq war and so much death in our souls as a people, we cannot focus on you buddy, we can’t focus on an actor’s death while the country burns.

If anyone reads this and anyone views this…wake up! Please wake up from the media manipulation that is our collective TV dream. I know it sounds over-the-top conspiracy but, the media is complicit with the power brokers to keep you lulled into not seeing them steal from us.

It is sadly, just that real.

Thank you Montel.

I don’t want to be here

I didn’t want the weekend to come because my structure would be gone and without the proper planning I would be faced with, once again, being utterly alone. Because that’s what zombies are, alone…even in a crowd of people, in a morass of human souls that is a large city, surrounded by wall to wall people - zombies are alone.

I said, zombies are alone!

And my structure is gone - all week I have a time and place and all week I have people to interact with and friends that are not necessarily only friends because they are paid to be there but friends none-the-less - and then the weekend hits.

Now, to be fair, I have been doing so much better in my development of socialization and emotional maturity: going out, making advanced plans, staying in the moment. But it’s still not enough to fill the time and as I ride that line between abandonment and inundation, no one can get in to do either or neither. There is just nothing there, on that line but now I am learning to better allot my time like society and weekend habits…

I don’t want the weekend to be here

Because my world has always just been me, right or wrong, that was just what I thought and what I believed, and the conflict there is that that solitary world was never enough, ‘I’ was never enough for me but ‘I’ was all the I had ever known. All I ever knew was to be at conflict inside with being who I was.

I’ve always gotten heart-heaviness, hard weights on the chest on weekends, like all week I could forget that I was alone or would be alone and avoid the sadness but then here it comes. And the insipid thing in all this is that I thought I was at the capricious whim of a dark god or a cruel-ish fate but was really my own puppet master; I was the one directing this drama.

I wanna go home, I wanna go home

When I get my heart set on something, ’set’ means that it won’t move and it gets focused and it can see no other outcome than between great and awful. But I am learning that the outcome is a result of the process as a whole and that by holding everything so black and white and so tightly and so fearfully, I was creating just that - fear and alone.

A zombie can move, a zombie can be nimble, a zombie can change, a zombie can sit back and relax to stop the fight-flight that has him lurching between emotions, at mercy of those emotions and in a constant heightened state of being.

I pray that I just might find that I do want to be here…

Mourning what you never had

Leave it to an adult child to mourn something that they never actually had, leave it to an adult child to take the smallest bit of niceness and blow it out of proportion and leave it to me to be stuck on someone bad for me, confusing for me, that gives me nothing. Of course I’d fall for this type of behavior, this type of person - at a distance, away, keeping me at arm’s length. Of course I would because this sickness is where I feel comfortable, this is how my mother treated me and this is the drama I feel most comfortable in.

Dare I say, this is my manifestation because you bring what you know, you start what you’ve known all along. This is adult child behavior, this is self-manifestation and these are the sad feelings and raw emotions that I sink under like the covers in bed; the things I know so well and that my brain and spirit easily manifest, like a old friend.

Simply, this is the relationship I started with when I was young. My mom hated my father yet they stayed together and instead of getting out and finding a proper relationship, I sort of fell into being her surrogate husband. But I was also her child so obviously I could not give her all the things she needed - I could give a lot like a good listener, a therapist, a friend but was marginalized when she was ready to go look for the other things missing like sex, attention, partying…thus I was constantly stuck in that crazy-making world of “come here honey, no get away” - a constant dance of being pulled in and then pushed away.

Now fast forward to the rest of my life and this pattern of being put in ‘no man’s land’ by the women that I fall in love with keeps happening over and over because it’s what I know and where I feel comfortable, familiar.

And I keep having dreams about this person, frustration dreams that are just vague outlines, shadows and pools of nothingness because she so perfectly fit this life long pattern that I know and manifest at every turn. Let me repeat: we never had anything but friendship and then recently started moving closer but never consummated anything, never crossed the line…

Oh sure, I was led on a bit because this object of my affection has no boundaries or fuzzy ones and both of us kinda let certain things go unsaid but when the dust settles and the all the math is done, we never had anything real, anything you could at least say, ‘well we tried’.

But that’s what my particular case of adult child syndrome entails: find a woman with intimacy issues, get into a friendship realm where you support her and become her confidant and then start to fall in love. This is the pattern, this is the pain and this is the reality that I have manifested for 30 odd years.

The Direct address to this person

Look you, I’m sorry for this manifestation (even thought we are both responsible for this manifestation, I can only assume my personal responsibility), I’m sorry that I threw a monkey wrench into what was a budding friendship and I am really sorry that we are at such different places and different priorities in our lives that intimacy is out of the question.

But you have to admit or at least should admonish that we let it go too far into the direction of closeness and relationship. Neither of us has the greatest boundaries and neither of us really saw this coming like we should have or could have if we weren’t both putting out such mixed signals. I accept that I manifested this and accept my responsibility for this construction. My humble apologies.

Only an adult child could mourn something so deeply that he or she never actually had.

Direct Manifestation #001 - Her

I believe, whole-heartedly, that we bring to us all things that are in our life, good or bad. I believe that we are completely responsible for the people, the situations and all other aspects in our life and specifically bring certain things based on the conscious and unconscious thoughts and ideas we entertain in our brains.

See, basically the Universe is an enormous facilitator that gives us exactly what we are thinking about in its truest intention. This enormous Universal generator does not care who we are, what we did, our standing in the community, how we treated each other and it doesn’t in the least bit show favoritism or judge you in any way. It just gives you what you ask for.

So what you are asking for is supremely important, what you are thinking about is extremely important and what is specifically going on inside your brain in terms of agenda, super agenda and unconscious thought.

My point is, be careful that you not only know what is going on in there but be sure that your preconceived notions of what you want and need are very clear and that you are not undercutting your own attempts to manifest with negative thoughts and hidden agendas. We have lot of defense mechanisms that have their own agenda and have since childhood.

So, let’s see you manifest something, Mr. Smarty-zombie-pants

Fine, I will. If you have read any of my postings in the last year, you probably get the idea that I am a bit of a loner and often find myself being much more lonely than need be. Part of the problem that I found out about myself, as I recovered somewhat from my Adult Child Syndrome, is that not only did I find myself manifesting women that were mostly broken (so I could fix) but also, a part of my mind was always undercutting my other needs with an absolute fear that someone would take over my life., get too close.

Well, all of these factors that have kept me alone are being worked on and the best way someone can start manifesting is to state what they want, very, very, clearly. Seeing that I want a mate, a girlfriend, then I will start with a list that describes who i want to come into my life.

Without further ado, my direct manifestation, Her:

  • Smart - intellectually and world-wise
  • Smart-ass - gives it as good as they get!
  • Athletic - fit, likes to exercise, active
  • Pretty face
  • Wants to start a family in future
  • Can accept an integration of friendship circles
  • But has their own friends and does their own ‘things’
  • Has hobbies and interests
  • Does not expect me to be their ‘other half’ - they are ‘whole’
  • Enjoys and understands their own sexuality; is aware of…
  • Does not have massive sexual hangups
  • Willing to try things sexually
  • Not carrying tons of baggage
  • Able to explore intimacy
  • Emotionally able
  • Willing to discuss things: a good fighter
  • Mature (not age but emotional maturity)
  • Not a heavy drinker or drug addict (I’m totally okay with binging but…I can’t be around it right now)
  • Likes sports and/or can tolerate without feeling like they are being ignored
  • Likes movies (my ultimate career)

…more to come but you get the idea. I send this off to the Universe and let go of the result. And so it is…

Crazy (080110) Outline - REWRITE 2nd Act

(Note: If you want to see this process in order, chronologically, you can sort on the left hand side of the page in CATEGORIES. Just select Script/Crazy and then you will get the articles in this series, in order starting with the latest)

Act Two:

  • HIDING their Love Montage - Billy and Chris - BEHIND BRYCE’S BACK sex and more sex, fun, dreamy - parks and matinĂ©es, calling in sick and going to the museum - Cute people and good sex.
  • RESTAURANT - Bryce catches Billy at the table while Chris is in bathroom. Chris disappears. Bryce hunts but finds no one and drags Billy outside and yells then leaves - Chris watches whole thing.
  • Chris asks her why she is with Bryce, she tells Russ that she is going to dump him soon - he laughs this off, she makes a point of telling him that she has to end the relationship and that something is coming that will take her away. When he presses her she walks out.
  • Chris stumbles into Terry’s office and professes his love for the stripper Billy. Terry is stunned, “The one Bryce is fucking?” Yes. It is agreed that they will keep hiding it from Bryce. Terry is very pissed at him and worried about Bryce overreacting.
  • Bryce comes into work raving - complains he knows Billy is cheating on him - sounds crazy (slow decent - speeding up) complains of being thirsty and has a funny red rash on his neck.
  • Chris with Billy at more hidden location. Billy tries to dump him but he talks her out of it, “a little more time”….she doesn’t want to hurt him and agrees. Then they fuck, but she warns him, ‘not much longer.’
  • Beck discovers that Billy is related to MR. ROCKFER, the main partner for the law firm. Does Rockfer know his niece is a stripper at a club he frequents. Does he know one of his main lawyers, his nephew, is fucking her!?
  • Beck starts following Billy and has run-in with Bryce - he is totally nuts and following Billy like Beck is doing. He demands to know why she is following Billy, get violent and Beck knocks his ass out!
  • Beck finds Chris and Billy (Beck totally identifies Billy as the girl from the research. They stare long at each other - Billy bolts - Beck tries to tell Russ about Billy’s relation to boss. He’s not interested and says it’s a small world and maybe they don’t even know they are related - coincidence.
  • OFFICE - Bryce is hallucinating and fighting Terry, accusing him of fucking Billy and is taken away by cops. Chris thanks Terry for taking the heat for him, Terry wants to tell him something when the cops come in to interview them and they are separated. (Beck finds a flask Bryce was drinking from and steals it.)
  • Beck tells Chris that there is some exotic drug in Bryce’s flask, she may have drugged him. Chris wants to find her, Beck is worried Chris may be next. Chris accuses Beck of trying to undermine what he has with Billy, he rushes to the strip club to find Billy.
  • STRIP CLUB - Chris finds Billy with Terry now - he is devastated. Terry tries to stop him. Billy stops him from pursuing.
  • Yet another Chris depression montage - lots of walking
  • Beck finds an article about a huge child molestation case in the hometown where Billy and Mr. Rockfer are from. The defendants was a group of lawyers that got off when accused of molesting three young girls. The names of the kids were never released and the charges dropped on a technicality; it was Mr. Rockfer.
  • Chris seems less sad and more contemplative. Gets wisdom from some odd source about moving on, decides to toughen up. He is going to be one of those guys.
  • Beck tells Chris about the article and the lawyers. Chris says he is trying to move on and wants to avoid anything of her. He is going to find Terry so he can apologize and have his friend back. Beck slaps him, ‘listen to me’. He listens, “what if Terry is next?”. Chris starts to believe.
  • Chris and Beck find Terry (utterly depressed - a mess) and crying about Billy leaving him. She was suppose to go to a party with him but she went with…Terry doesn’t finish - Chris tries to find out where Billy is but Terry blames Chris for polluting her head “and now she’s gone to the party”… He attacks Chris. Beck subdues Terry. Chris finds the invitation for a black tie event Terry was suppose to go to with and takes it.
  • Beck and Chris goes to the strip club to find Billy. She quit three days ago.
  • Beck shows Chris that Rockfer evidence where he was accused of molesting Billy and that he doesn’t know its her. She must be out for revenge.
  • Russ dresses up (1st time) and looks adult. Beck dresses like a woman instead of a detective, pretty hot. They go to the party and find Billy there with the big boss
  • Russ tries every trick to get her to go away from him. He starts fight with Big Boss. Billy jabs him with a small needle.
  • Russ goes on a trip of a lifetime as the drugs kick in - sees his own death - suicide - being alone. They take him away.

Mountains become molehills; clear glass takes a smear

I’m pretty devoid of thought right now. I feel grumpy and everyone seems mean. I think people are after me; my perception is to fight.

The girl I work with, an assistant that thinks she’s an executive (The President’s Assistant) threw me under the bus today with the President by letting him think I just didn’t tell her he had called. She always wanders around, away from her desk and I have to cover. He called and I missed her wondrous return so he yelled at me for not getting her; for not doing her job basically.

But it’s these little things that stick with me I notice. Getting yelled at not only stimulated my feelings of inadequacies but also the part of me that gets upset when they are accused of something that they didn’t do…

To be seen and heard is so important for little people and so important for an inner child. I told the little guy it wasn’t his fault but I noticed that there was a sticky humid pall hanging over me the rest of the day that made everything else that came along seem bad or angry or a fight.

So i went back and made sure the little boy understood that I was there and would protect him. I reaffirmed that he did nothing wrong and then centered myself in the moment.

But the pall still hangs over me. And this is how depression starts: one little thing, then another; the pile becomes three, four, the perceptual screen becomes cloudy and all things that come at you are seen through this foggy filter, thus reality is skewed and mood becomes anger.

There’s only one thing left to do…the good parent messages (PDF):

  1. I love you
  2. I want you
  3. You are special to me
  4. I see you and I hear you
  5. It’s not what you do but who you are that I love
  6. I love you and give you permission to be different than me
  7. I’ll take care of you
  8. My love will make you well
  9. I will be there for you, even when you die
  10. You can trust me
  11. You can trust your inner voice
  12. Sometimes I will tell you ‘no’ and that’s because I love you
  13. You don’t have to be alone anymore
  14. You don’t have to be afraid anymore
  15. I feel your love and take it in

Basically, you memorize them and then when fragmented, upset, clouded you try to remember them all by writing them down. Whatever ones you forget are the details your little person inside needs to hear.

Try it sometime. I’m gonna do it right now…

A Kiss (Episode 1)

I am a man, a full-grown man but I continue to have thoughts that drag me right back to high school, and no I don’t mean I am having thoughts about high school aged girls but that I am having some of the same thoughts and ruminations that I had when I was in high school - silly things that no grown man should be having about things he should not be worried about. Next thing you know I’ll be popping zits and hiding my erection under the desk!

So you probably want to know what I was thinking about that got me so worked up about my own behavior that I would write a blog post? The simple answer: a kiss.

It’s been a really really long time since a woman looked into my eyes and then leaned in for a kiss. Sounds simple, right? Sounds like something that would happen normally but I’m afraid it hasn’t happened in a really long time. A really really long time…

Did I mention it’s been a really really really long time. Something like 5 years or so.

No, I’m not missing straight sex, not oral sex, not petting or even the naked body of a woman. Nope, none of that. I miss getting kissed. I miss lips and breath. I miss leaning down a little (or her standing up on her toes), moving our faces into position and touching lips. I miss quiet, soft kissing. I want to smell the breath and feel the wet warmth. I want to feel the tiny heartbeat next to mine and see the eyes that squint ever so slightly as we move forward and-

There I go again. Don’t look under the desk.

Funny how the smallest things can become so large and how a ‘part’ of a whole can represent the whole thing that is missing (synecdoche). If I was still in high school I would just run home and eat, but since I’m a full grown adult and am responsible for all of my emotions and actions I propose to do something about this.

I will find a kiss soon. I will touch my lips against the lips of another woman. I promise myself a retreat from isolationism, so stay tuned.