Archive for February, 2008

REWORKING - Zombie Wall

(Nothing to see here - this is just me doing a quick and dirty rewrite on my old zombie script.)

- Doctor tests Hector and fails
- Opening - The school and the wall
- FLASHBACK - arriving at the school meets Rachel
- Henry and Sarah
- Henry to shoot Helen’s zombie husband
- Hazmat zombie
- Henry gets home - Rachel informs him that they are cleared to leave the camp via the balloon
-meet Bucky and the dispute over how to move forward with camp survival
-Henry brings subway idea to Mayor
- Doctor has a zombie breakthrough
- The Doctor’s lab Henry overhears that the zombies are trying to communicate


- Dinner - meet the others on the balloon trip
- Meet the basement workers - Surfer and the Business folk
- Capturing sarah - Brad helps
- Max in trouble - wall gets crushed max gets bit
- Max and Barry in Mayor’s office
- Doctor treats Max, fills Henry in on his work and Henry has more hope
- basement is transforming
- GYM - Rachel confronts Henry
- Town meeting update falls apart people freaking.
- Henry goes for Sarah - Fishing pole - breaks wall further
- Henry goes to doctor, asks dying Max how he goes outside
- Bucky infiltrates basement
- Henry learning to be zombie
- Henry is suppose to be on the balloon
- Henry tells Rachel to go without him.
- Henry is a zombie - tries to get Sarah - Doctor in peril
- Henry gets Sarah
- Doctor almost dead
- Henry saves all
- Bucky tries to take sarah, henry pulls a gun
- The Wall is failing
- Basement dig almost done - call for Bucky
- Henry and Doctor holed up in Lab, Bucky is hostage
- setup
-the test
- Sarah dead


- Camp being overrun by zombies
- Moving the camp into the basement
- Bucky Montage - speech
- Henry to bury Sarah
- Doctor has to shoot Max and wife
- Henry walks out in Zombie costume WHILE
- Balloon makes it off after battle
- Bucky in basement TUNNEL as they break through
- Henry makes his way outside
- Tunnelers break through and are attacked
- Henry gets to the tree to bury Sarah and then falls apart.
- The tunnelers kill off the zombies and save the day.
- Henry is scooped up by the doctor and Max’s truck - off to catalina

Why I don’t hate Hillary

Hillary is a lot like a pit bull. She has spent the last two decades fighting a ferocious battle with the neoconservative establishment that was and still is running this country. These are the people names Rove, Bush, Cheney and the ilk that lie fast and don’t have a second thought about cheating, smearing while fighting to the death.

Hillary has been battling these partisan politicians for some time as did Bill Clinton when he ran against them and both of them play that game well. sadly, both her and Bill have learned to fight fire with fire and become like the neo-cons in that winner take all mentality.

So, are we surprised when she attacks like she does? Are we surprised that she is a pit bull and is still attacking like one. Should I blame her?

Yes and no. She is the old guard and a lot of them think you have to fight like this to win. So for me, it’s mixed emotions. These tactics were much used in the past and still may be used in the general election (I hope not.)

But what has changed?

If you remember, as close as the 2004 election, this type of political attack was still working and working well in the form of the Swiftboat Veterans attacking John Kerry. But the news Internet was still growing up then and still a work in progress. The blogsphere was not what we have now and nowhere near as vigilant and aggressive. People like Rove and Bush were able to get away with a lot more underhanded stuff as were Hillary and Bill.

The times have really changed, truth is only a little research away and every statement uttered by the candidates is parsed and examined. A spade is called a spade almost instantaneously - information disseminated faster, lies uncovered quicker, propaganda dispelled in the blink of a-

But these old guard politicians (Hillary, Bush, McCain) haven’t caught up yet with the internet, with the new ideas Obama is espousing and the ideas that American people want and the internet is exposing. Am I gonna hate Hillary for her old guard ways? No. She has been fighting MY BATTLES against these win-at-all-cost neocons for twenty years and I am gonna give her and Bill a lot of leeway, a lot of empathy.

It is us, the voter, the blogger, the informed public that has changed, not the politicians, and it is on them to change with the times or go by the wayside like Hillary is doing in the polls today. As this change is happening, I and you know that Obama and the internet are the future, but that doesn’t mean I have to rip Hillary apart for being a pit bull and for falling behind. I want her to catch up, want to encourage her to catch up.

And she will go down and for that I feel bad because she has been on my side for so long and has been battered for so long, I cannot now start taking shots at her.

The anger that comes out of someone towards something else is never about the object or person hated but always about the one doing the hating. Plain and simple. I will not send that to anyone, especially not Hillary.

At some point, the useless hatred needs to stop with someone…let that someone be me.

Adult Children of Alcoholics (and dysfunctional families)Discussion Group .

Adult Children of Alcoholics (and dysfunctional families)Discussion Group .

Welcome to the ACA program. This is a 12-Step, 12 Tradition support group focused on understanding the specific behavior and attitude patterns we developed while growing up in an alcoholic or other dysfunctional environment. These patterns continue to affect us today.

By attending regular email meetings we come to a better understanding of our past so we can more effectively restructure our lives today. We begin to see more clearly what is positive and healthy in ourselves. We are individuals struggling through rigorous honesty to become the best we can be. Meetings are intended to be safe places where we can share our experience, strength, hope, and fears without judgment or criticism. We have the right not to share unless we are ready.

ACA is not meant to be a substitute for other 12-Step programs, but we believe the tools we have to offer can be helpful in recovery. This program is grounded in spiritual guidance and is not affiliated with any specific religion.

We meet together to share our experience of walking the path toward recovery; we offer friendship and understanding. We love one another in a very special way. We welcome you to join us.

Our parent group is Adult Children of Alcoholics

Like compressing a flower in the pages of a book, something being repressed doesn’t disappear; it only becomes distorted.


Good, good parent messages

  1. I love you
  2. I want you
  3. You are special to me
  4. I see you and I hear you
  5. It’s not what you do but who you are that I love
  6. I love you and give you permission to be different than me
  7. I’ll take care of you
  8. My love will make you well
  9. I will be there for you, even when you die
  10. You can trust me
  11. You can trust your inner voice
  12. Sometimes I will tell you ‘no’ and that’s because I love you
  13. You don’t have to be alone anymore
  14. You don’t have to be afraid anymore
  15. I feel your love and take it in

good parent messages (PDF)

This is depression

I want to go to more social things where I get to be around straight girls and guys and where people are having fun and all of a sudden I want to cry…

I hate this world, hate it so much, why would it do this to me all the time, not fair, 33 years of loneliness and pain all of it unending all of it a pit of despair with no end in sight - in the last few weeks, I have approached over 40 on line persons. Not one has even written me back.

A tool for others to exploit and have been all my life, only there for what I can do. I hate this world and have since i could remember - and as if on cue, they make a pot of fucking coffee and they walk back to their fucking offices, not drinking it, letting it burn on the fucking burner.

FUCK you Universe
FUCK you.

This world and everyone in it can’t stand me and I don’t blame them, maybe nobody wants to be around me and maybe I cant have close friends that i go play with; maybe I’m too much.


And I’m actually asking for help, no more metaphors - people really do hate me, with good reason, they like me better when I’m far away because I am too much and don’t know how to change that. It just keeps happening at different junctures of my life where I find out some enormous revelation like this and it is such a smack in the face. Talk about cognitive dissonance: to want to be with people but to be so mean that they cant be around you - kinda creepy in its self-fulfilling sense.

The uselessness of time travel

Time is relative and hardly worth our energy. Time travel’s even worse because there’s way too much second guessing and way too much haggling over details. They keep telling me to live in the moment to stay in the moment and then tempt with time machines and spacial distortions, luring me to float through space and be devoid of thought, examining the issues and punching the pink-white underbelly.

I am told to not have expectations on who I am or at least not the expectations that came from my unruly childhood. They make me want a ray gun or a sonic blast, I want to sprinkle pixie dust and make the whole world vanish. I see endless space and the event horizon of the most insidiously hidden black holes - this is swirling infinity, these are twisting spirals of broken planets and scalded moons with desperate astronauts plugging golf clubs and stabbing flags into moon dust.

I don’t have any need for love, I don’t have oxygen to share, I’m Pickens-riding towards Earth on a rocket to end it all and I’m in the middle of two separate times, stuck. I can’t see the time, the effort and the energy I am suppose to be in..everything is off kilter by a smidge and this is the mathematical term. I don’t know what should be done. I am not a unique snowflake. The Universe is cold and lonely but remains out there, round and alive. These are my assumptions now, my childhood rules have finally burned out.

Time stood still when I focused. My voice trailed off but, you couldn’t have heard me anyway.

This is my head, this is my chest…

What is this feeling, what are these tingles, these chills, these twinges. I want to run as fast as I can, so fast that I actually leave my body and burst out one side of this bag o’ bones and go floating across whatever there is that isn’t here. I want to float into the 80 degree sky and keep going until that fucking body below hits the ground and writhes in agony and then stops twitchin’. Yes, that’s what I want, that’s what I need; a little bit of separation from what ails me because what ails me is me.

I want to dampen the sounds in my head with a mallet. Maybe one of those rubber mallets that won’t leave too much of a mark and won’t necessarily start bleeding but can jar some sense loose like my dad used to do.

I can still hear the ringing in my ears from the one time by the back door when he whacked you from behind.

I am and have been depressed all of my life and as it is impossible to actually separate mind and body must address both but am convinced that without the logical mind, non of this would have happened depression-wise. That little boy’s mind was brilliant yet naive. This depression was always a way of looking at things and as it turns out could be fixed by using simple logic and second guessing bad logic.

For example - Horizons. Everyone loves the horizon, especially at sunset or sunrise when the sinking/rising sun casts odd shadows, weird hues and a kaleidoscope of colors…I mean what on Earth could you find depressing, right? Well, I did, I always saw the darkness that comes after sunset to be the sad and so the sunset brought sense of foreboding and dread. Why? Wish I could tell you, but that 8 year old that made these rules knows why and I’m not sure it makes much sense.

Remember that time on that drift fishing boat? After the sun set the eastern sky took that light blue-grey hue that seemed so worrisome. Remember that you made the association.

Another example of my depression comes from love - separation anxiety. I never learned how to enjoy my free time and not be afraid to be alone. In every relationship I have ever had, I find that when the person leaves to go home or do their own thing it’s like getting kicked in the stomach. The fear starts prematurely, unconsciously as I start fights or start to bicker all in attempt to not let go. From there I go to a bit of panic to full blown anxiety - and that’s before the person has left. And the really bad part is that when they are there, I am usually thinking how nice it would be to be alone.

Remember how we would come home from that absolute hellish version of school we attended? Always alone, always on your own and nobody to help you when others wanted to hurt you…

And the more of this stuff I fix - I now love sunsets and horizons - the more that comes to the surface, the more of it I see and have to fix. And it makes me all the more impatient to rid myself of these mis-perceptions and find the truth that can make me fully happy.

And I’m often filled with contentment that comes crashing down and I am back to beating off the trappings that my 8 year old created. I’d really like to go back to then, knowing what I know now and help mold that little boy in a way where I’m not having to tear down my entire life in my mid-30ies, just to keep from killing myself.

And on I trudge, through the mis-perceptions that are me, trying to right the wrongs that never should have been and don’t really exist. And I will not hit me, I will trash me, I will not abandon myself when I most need my own support. I will work all of this out, i will work all of this out.

Frequenting the same places

Running against that wind that always comes up because it does what it does and I’m not running anymore, not running any more to do and away from everything that made anything less than anything away…No wait-

I’m sorry, I’m not here, here, let me make it up to you, let me make it up to you, let me make it up to you this way, I’m not saying let me make it up but let me make it up to you and you can stay and stay.

Come to me, with me, to me and you can come to me and we can be together so, come to me with open arms and come to me with open eyes and come to me means not just come to me but come to me with me for me.

And start presenting it that way, you presented it that way and presents or presence or prescient but presenting it that way just presents it that way and so it presents it some way that I’m unaware of…

And we’ll carry on and carry on and carry on cause that is what we’ll do too, carry on. You carry on and on and on about things but start working things out because that is what we do; that is what we do when we do what we do.

And I’ve stopped running it this way, running this this way, a way, another way than the way that we’d been doing it all before, the way we’d been running things and now we’re running things this way and nothing ever more.

Unilateral Contract

I’m not your dad, even though, from the tone, from the manner, from the clues, you treat me the same way and react to me the same way you would him.

And your not my mom even though, often times, i place on you certain expectations, the unfair burden of my relationship to my mom.

Unilateral Contracts

You told me something about your life and I listened with my good ear. This thing you mentioned was a very exciting thing for you and you looked for my reaction, my opinion. But see, I’m not your father and didn’t know you were looking for my approval, looking for my interest; I didn’t know you wanted me to tell you that you did a good job, that you are doing a good thing: unilateral contract, unknown to me.

And you are not my mom. My mom would draw me into to be her best friend, her confider, her therapist and then discard me with a whim much like you do. My mom drank and pursued things that a mother wouldn’t normally or formally do. She had no boundaries with me and I had none with her. I learned to accept unacceptable behavior; to feel comfort in a push and pull, up and down - *crazy-making*

And it’s unfair for me to make you her, that’s not what you signed up for, that’s not what you were looking for in our relationship and I wasn’t looking for someone to look down on me, pity me and play the push and pull when that’s the exact same thing I was doing to you, sigh-

And I’m afraid you’ll never understand how far you led me into your life and how close I was to letting all my defenses down…the sting of a unilateral contract lies in the crushed expectations often times undeclared and unexposed to the light of day.

Unilateral contracts - unknown and undeclared - silent and deadly to relationships, friendships.

u·ni·lat·er·al - Pronunciation[yoo-nuh-lat-er-uhl]–adjective

1. relating to, occurring on, or involving one side only: unilateral development; a unilateral approach.
2. undertaken or done by or on behalf of one side, party, or faction only; not mutual: a unilateral decision; unilateral disarmament.