Me and the velociraptor - the results
Me versus a velociraptor as we are both chained to a bunk bed:
Created by Bunk Beds.net
And me versus a velociraptor if I had a crowbar:
Top that suckers!
Archive for October, 2008
I am bully
I am bully, I am bully, I am bully - alright, there, I said it. Will you leave me alone now and stop reminding me over and over again - your rumination is heard.
But I have to love this bully in ways I’ve never loved anyone or anything before - more deeply, more selfishly, more supportive and more feminine-ish. I can’t just shame him into submission yet again. You cannot bully and have the result be positive. I have to let that bully out to explore and understand why he needs to be in existence and what his proper boundaries are…
Because my heart is like an open sore that’s been cleaned out and left in the open air to fill in and heal. Gotta keep it clean.
When I get fragmented by my usual morass of mental tropes and I get more and more depressed and spacey, I leave my body (dissociation) and put another guy in charge: the bully or the little kid. And no I’m not schizophrenic, all of us have this dichotomy, a group of identities that we use at different times and in different situations. So I leave my body and the kid or the asshole takes over and can sometimes become quite the bully.
And I was very bullied and I was very bullied and I can admit that without letting myself feel violated or vengeful. I can say that without pain and shame. And because people do what they know and we do what has been done to us so we repeat that behavior. We repeat bully.
I am bully because I was bullied and because I stood by while bullying was going on without doing a thing. I watched and felt glad it wasn’t me because I am bully, I am bully - and was bullied with the rest. We are bullies.
Never wanted to repeat - it started with the bullying of my cats and then I moved on to weaker guys Okay, enough with the italicized, poetic baloney.
Luckily I didn’t have many friends and isolated a lot so I didn’t have a lot of chances to bully people. But now I am becoming healthier, becoming a lot more social and venturing out. With these new opportunities will come more chances to bully and more ways to fragment but I believe I can monitor and check the aggressions without blind aggression and shame. You can’t bully a bully and expect the behavior to change.
I am a good parent to myself; understanding, kind, firm
I am bully because bullies have been bullied and will be bullying forever if they don’t look at their own motivation. I have looked and it is ’self-hate’: the inner-state of hating the self as an object of scorn and ridicule - pent up anger sits festering in the body, to be released constructively and with forethought or poured out on some unsuspecting object of our bullying.
I am bully and I am sorry.