Special
I’m not special to anybody, not even myself.
I want to be special to somebody, to be there favorite person or the one they turn to when they need to turn to their closest person. I want to be loved and adored, to be the one that makes the other feel butterflies or shivers down their spine.
I honestly can’t remember what that’s like. I haven’t been with anyone for about 7 years and the weight of the loneliness is crushing. It creates a unease in my personality and a neediness that is clear for everyone to feel and see when they deal with me.
And really, I should be special to myself, shouldn’t I? I shouldn’t have to wait for someone outside of me to validate that I am indeed special. It should be my own means and my own good self-relationship that defines this self-esteem issue.
But the conflict goes on as I try and repair the horrible self-image, the brutal self-esteem and the negative voices in my head. To integrate the voices and the images I make for myself into a loving and supportive system is fucking hard.
I need a hug.
Jackie on 02 Dec 2009 at 8:50 pm #
I remember similar feelings. Like being stuck in a hole, just wanting a leg up and a clean slate. Being an “equalist”, I always felt a bit guilty for thinking that just me was not enough. But, we all need relationships with others. It is in our nature and this fact does not make us weak or incomplete.
Be the best person you can be until something or someone else comes along. And for the time being, go easy on yourself! It is the re-living of doubts, etc. that can make it harder to become the best you can be.
One day at a time, friend!
Luci on 03 Dec 2009 at 12:15 pm #
Oh man, I wish I could give you a hug. So for now I’ll just send you a cyber one. But you must have collected some real ones since you wrote this, I hope. Or maybe you gave out some hugs? That works too, you know. And by the way I know that you are special and that you must be very special to many other people. Even if you don’t have “one special person” in your life right now - there are those who love you and care for you and who don’t want you to be so down on yourself. I hope you can turn off the negative voices even though I know it’s not easy.