All posts by Drew
Gray was my cat for 17 years and was an amazing animal.
Yet the great weakness of linear time is that it obliterates time’s recurrence and thus cuts people off from the eternal – whether in nature, in each other, or in ourselves. When we deem our social destiny entirely self-directed and out personal lives self-made, we lose any sense of participating in a collective myth larger than ourselves. We cannot ritually join with those who come before and after us. Situating us at some intermediate moment eons away from both the beginning and the end of history, linear time leaves us alone, restless, afraid to stand still lest we discover something horrible about ourselves. Most Americans would agree with Mary McCarthy that “The happy ending is our national belief” – but few of us have any idea what we would do if we ever got there.
“The Fourth Turning – An American Prophesy” – William Strauss and Neil Howe
Kim and Will live on neighboring farms, stuck behind the fences that keep the plague of zombies from killing them. Will they be able to explore their budding love or will they succumb to the revenge of the living dead?
Baby Boomers, predominantly, believe that we are all singular individuals, unique ‘snowflakes’ despite the fact that we are part of a larger whole, 340 million people in America, 8 billion on the planet.
So the truth lies somewhere else. Can 340 million people actually be completely unique or is the fact that we share 98% of our exact DNA pattern with every other one of these humans, these pack animals, mean we share a lot of our behavioral patterns and need to make decisions based on the whole, based on the ‘pack’?
This, to me, explains why there’s such a divide in America right now. Boomers believe they can legislate for the individual and ignore the similarities of the pack animal needs while everyone else looks to collective action such as Universal Healthcare, broader economic models and things that help the whole.
Time to stop looking at the self and start looking at the whole.
I am terrified to have children because the thought broils through my head that I may pass on the cycle of violence that was inflicted on me. I have severe violent impulses when I get fragmented and inundated by things around me. Many times I have wanted to beat the crap out of my cat for crying at the wrong time.
I learned violence from being abused. When abused my mind would fragment and I would rush off, mentally, to a safe place. This fragmentation was there to keep me safe but all it does now, as a learned habit, is avoid the problem and expose me to what I learned as a child through direct interaction – violence.
Fragmentation is the art of escaping the moment and sadly, the moment, is the only true place one can live happily. I strive to be in the now, in the moment but, I fragment very often and the moment is lost until I refocus.
I really am a healthier zombie but, a zombie nonetheless and with that these ancient habits sit waiting to spring to life. Fragmentation is the root of all evil. The innocuous psychiatric phenomena of personality fragmentation was there to protect me and is now only here out of habit. And it does not help me as an adult.
This song and the one that follows live in the intersection between black metal and rock and roll and it couldn’t be done any smoother. Beautiful interplay between to consonance and dissonance that makes music come alive.
Now that I am in my 40ies, one thing that seem so odd about the fact that I had to go back and grow up again in my 30ies is that while it was a horrific process – much akin to going through high school again – it has allowed me to leave the morass of an immature mind set and start moving forward into areas I never thought possible.
Love used to be a desperate and painful feeling. When I felt love, it meant I was obsessive and scared, a leaf in the wind of emotions and gut wrenching sadness, a place where fear dominated and self doubt was the rule. Growing up meant leaving this immature mindset behind and looking to the unknown world of mature adult feelings and emotions.
And I am there. I am in a place where love isn’t so scary anymore and it sits in a different place in my heart. Instead of pain and doubt, it inhabits a state of strength and hope. Instead of a desperate need it feels like something I deserve and can expect as a result of hard work and being a good person. It’s no longer something that overwhelms but something that feels like satisfaction and contentment.
Now, I have no idea where this current iteration of love is going or where it will end up but, for the first time in my life, I’m not afraid of the outcome and not afraid of what bad things might happen and instead am just happy to have this person in my life and be able to feel these nice warm feelings and emotions in my body and soul. I am not afraid of the future, I look forward to the adventure it will bring.
So thank you to my inner self for embracing this change and working so hard to grow and expand into a mature and true self. You trusted me and together we have made fantastic progress.
And thank you to the person who has reawakened those feelings in me. You know who you are.