Binge Journal #16 (bad carbs and body image)

So it’s been about 8 months since I cut out most carbohydrates from my diet and lost a bunch of weight (25 pounds to be exact-ish) making myself feel better, having more energy and not feeling constantly hungry. Hell, I even am down 3 pants sizes!

But do you think that would be enough for my racing mind?

HELL NO!

You would think I would be home clear from the body dyslexia by now, but that’s not the case. Six years of therapy and I’m still smelling the smell of the self-hatred, the self anxiety and anger and the inability to accept who I am. Six years later I am still calling myself the same names and slipping back into the mindset of a fat little boy. And six years later I still haven’t undone the damage of a nasty father who loved nothing more than calling his impressionable little son a ‘pork chop’…

But I am trying to make this little boy grow up inside, trying to lead him to a mindset that involves no hatred, no distortions, no nasty comments and no reliance on food as an emotional crutch. This is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. Harder than quitting alcohol, cigarettes and emotionally crippled women…combined. Just when I think I am in the clear an emotional situation creeps up and I’m stuffing my face.

The good news is that I am stuffing nuts and low carb snacks into my mouth as opposed to potato chips and candy. I haven’t gained much if any of the weight back and my pants sizes are as small as ever. There is nothing that I could possible take and make into a bad thing; there is no logical reason for me to be hard on myself…except habit.

A little story

I woke up in the middle of the night and had to go pee really bad so I stumbled into the living room and over to the bathroom. Now I never turn the light on because I know where everything is and have no need to see what I am doing. I also am not a girl so I stand while I pee which forces me to face a full length mirror on the bathroom wall. Well, I wasn’t paying much attention to anything other than my duty to the bladder and as I was nearing the end of the task I looked up at my image in the mirror. Gasp!

The mirror image DID NOT match my mental image. My mental image in my head was of a big fat guy but the mirror image (the truth) was of a guy much thinner, smaller and fit.

It scared the shit out of me. I didn’t recognize myself one bit and realized that I was still carrying around a self image that was totally incorrect. I must have stood there another minute after I had finished trying to reconcile these two images.

Since then, I have been trying to keep my mind from getting too negative and getting too distorted. I have been taking long looks in the mirror as opposed to hiding from mirrors and avoiding my own eye contact.

But these things are harder, harder than anything I have ever done. This is the mind and it is the most powerful instrument on the planet. Little by little and with all the love I could ever muster, I will make my little boy see the truth that he is not fat, not ugly and is not the little boy that had to hear those things come from his father’s mouth.

I am not that child.

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