Binge Journal #9

I’m chipping away at this ancient habit, little by little. I refuse to weigh myself but have started to notice a change in my body shape. My problem areas are my love handles and breasts as well as the shape of my jaw line. All areas are changing. I have more of a shadow around my jaw line which means the first few pounds have come off and my love handles are smaller.

The odd thing is that, at first, things are changing shape as opposed to just reducing. It almost seems like it gets worse before it gets better. But I can feel the change…and I know the change is happening. Know

That’s the amazing thing about my recovery: every time I want to change something, I look at that habit with unabashed honesty and understand it from the idea that I am repeating an ancient habit. This is hard at first as human behavior works to avoid facing itself and its ‘bad habits’. But once I faced it and understood what was happening and how it works, I could no longer go on with that same behavior. Amazing. And the truth is, I haven’t really changed much at all.

No longer can I eat with the same compulsion. No longer does this happen with me in a disassociated state. And remember, I will never diet or skimp on eating. I believe firmly that this all works better because for the first time in my life, my little boy inside trusts me. When I tell him we are going to change something, I do it without forcing him or making him do something he doesn’t want to do. By examining my habits honestly and going very slowly, patiently, things happen much easier.

I refuse to hurt him anymore. I refuse to push him and force him. I refuse to be anything but his good parent. And I refuse to put my child on a diet.

I love him too much to do that!

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