Archive for Adult Children

Brilliant

I was always told how much of a genius I was. I was always assured I could do anything I wanted and could do things other people couldn’t. They put me in all the best elementary school programs and gave me all the attention a budding genius could ask for. They even told me my IQ score and let everyone know how brilliant I really was. The bullshit flowed and smoke was absolutely being blown up my naive ass.

Then it all fell apart. Somewhere around middle school the support ended and these stewards of mine withdrew their support. The middle school I went to was ranked as some of the worst in the nation and gangs ruled the school (yes, even in middle school). Bullies were more prevalent than teachers and support staff. I became hardened and spent a lot of time on the absentee list. I became disinterested and stopped studying. My life morphed into a latch key existence – a swirl of domestic violence and self preservation – where I strived to just get by and survive as opposed to thrive.

Little did I know how far behind the eight ball I was falling. I didn’t then understand the learning disabilities growing in me nor realized that alcoholic, latch key parents having to work ridiculous hours would have massively broken results in my adulthood. No one celebrates the cessation of your normal childhood development. Nobody touts that you can’t socialize or make friends or that you wouldn’t know how to date if your life depended on it. How could they when they didn’t even realize you weren’t actually going to school save the days the school gave their cookie cutter tests. I was a broken human being at this point and how I squeaked into college was a comedy of systemic errors.

And luckily, college was where, after three years of scraping by, I would be diagnosed as being functionally illiterate.

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Been a long time

Missed you and thinking about you but when I go to write it just doesn’t feel right and I close out. For a long time I didn’t even know the password to get in so I just changed it and here I am.

Funny how important you were when I was sicker and weaker and was lost in my own little world. I wrote and wrote and added video and made up all kinds of stuff to add to this place but these days, I dunno, I feel like I have to save my energy for other things and so you sit here languishing. And even now, I’m not really sure what I could add?

Don’t be mad. I’ll be back some day and give you what you so deeply deserve but for right now, I am putting my time into other places that just don’t include you.

Much love

G

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I am immature

I may be 44 (gasp) but I know that on the inside, I’m really nowhere near that age. Probably more like 20ies which is a huge gain from where I was a decade ago.

When I first started my recovery, when I was about 33, I was no more than a 13 year old on the inside, maturity level and all. And had all the trappings of a early teen; making the same mistakes, feeling the same irrational emotions and beating my head against the same walls a kid that age would beat.

But even with my recovery and all the excellent work I have done to be my own good parent and raise my inner age to something more appropriate for an adult, I am still immature and still feel more comfortable around people in their 20ies. And that’s frustrating when you are 44 and really should be interacting with professionals.

But I will carry on and continue to pursue my human revolution that will at some point, I hope, lead me to a time when my inner age reflects more closely with my chronological age.

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Andrew Bird – Eyeoneye

Go ahead and congratulate yourself
Give yourself a hand the hand is yours
When the eye that eyes itself is your eye
And the ear that hears itself is near
Then you’re getting too close to your source
You’ve done the impossible now
You took yourself apart
Made yourself invulnerable
No one can break your heart
So you break it yourself

Bringing your own
Break it yourself

Go ahead and reionize yourself
Give yourself a hand the hand is your hand
And you go ahead and wring it out
And you go ahead and stretch it out
And you go ahead and wear it inside out
Day trip in the desert makes this
Boy and girl too wise
Through a raging wall of sand that’s
One hundred stories high
So you reionionionize
And it’s eyeoneyeoneyeoneyeoneye
All this time it took to realize
That you could use some help
Bringing your heart breaking the shell
Bringing your heart breaking the shell
Go ahead and defibrillate yourself
Give yourself a hand the hand is yours
And you go ahead and wring it out
You go ahead and stretch it out
You go ahead and wear it inside out
And it’s eyeoneyeoneyeoneye
And it’s eyeoneyeoneyeoneye

“Break It Yourself” (2012)

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More on unilateral contracts

I am terrified to have children because the thought broils through my head that I may pass on the cycle of violence that was inflicted on me. I have severe violent impulses when I get fragmented and inundated by things around me. Many times I have wanted to beat the crap out of my cat for crying at the wrong time.

I learned violence from being abused. When abused my mind would fragment and I would rush off, mentally, to a safe place. This fragmentation was there to keep me safe but all it does now, as a learned habit, is avoid the problem and expose me to what I learned as a child through direct interaction – violence.

Fragmentation is the art of escaping the moment and sadly, the moment, is the only true place one can live happily. I strive to be in the now, in the moment but, I fragment very often and the moment is lost until I refocus.

I really am a healthier zombie but, a zombie nonetheless and with that these ancient habits sit waiting to spring to life. Fragmentation is the root of all evil. The innocuous psychiatric phenomena of personality fragmentation was there to protect me and is now only here out of habit. And it does not help me as an adult.

Posted in Adult Children, Zombie Life | 1 Comment

Love – then versus now

Now that I am in my 40ies, one thing that seem so odd about the fact that I had to go back and grow up again in my 30ies is that while it was a horrific process – much akin to going through high school again – it has allowed me to leave the morass of an immature mind set and start moving forward into areas I never thought possible.

Love used to be a desperate and painful feeling. When I felt love, it meant I was obsessive and scared, a leaf in the wind of emotions and gut wrenching sadness, a place where fear dominated and self doubt was the rule. Growing up meant leaving this immature mindset behind and looking to the unknown world of mature adult feelings and emotions.

And I am there. I am in a place where love isn’t so scary anymore and it sits in a different place in my heart. Instead of pain and doubt, it inhabits a state of strength and hope. Instead of a desperate need it feels like something I deserve and can expect as a result of hard work and being a good person. It’s no longer something that overwhelms but something that feels like satisfaction and contentment.

Now, I have no idea where this current iteration of love is going or where it will end up but, for the first time in my life, I’m not afraid of the outcome and not afraid of what bad things might happen and instead am just happy to have this person in my life and be able to feel these nice warm feelings and emotions in my body and soul. I am not afraid of the future, I look forward to the adventure it will bring.

So thank you to my inner self for embracing this change and working so hard to grow and expand into a mature and true self. You trusted me and together we have made fantastic progress.

And thank you to the person who has reawakened those feelings in me. You know who you are.

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Climb out of that hole

I forget sometimes exactly who I have become after years of work, after staring into the abyss and not blinking, I lose sight of the truth of my strongest aspects and fall victim to the weakest. As I have created my own healthy reality and pushed my life towards its own good goals and truths, I can still be blind sided by someone else’s dream, by someone else’s reality.

And this is an essential lesson and proof of old causes that I have not yet cleared from my overall karma. There are still a few aspects to my personality I have not yet ironed out. Those aspects need the light shone on them for me to be able to clear them out and learn to react a different way. And there are far fewer of these blindsides than when I started this process so long ago but, there they are nonetheless.

And nobody is at fault; I am not blaming the other for their dream and how it infected me. They no more intended to hit me with their mess than I did in allowing myself to fall under the spell. There is no blame just change and learning and responding to things in a different way. There is only the time when faced with the way you do things, to break free and try another tact. I am actually utterly grateful that I have these close and dear friends to show me the areas that still need work.

But we can never be done as there is always much work to do to fulfill the goals you set for yourself and break free from the patterns we all repeat, over and over, from our childhoods. Sometimes these are good patterns but mostly, they fall in the category of bad habits and most of the time we can’t even see these patterns because they feel so normal and are much easier to just ride out.

But what fun would that be?

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All this fixing and still broken

Years of hard work, changing habits, examining motives, understand tendencies and using the tools I have found to make myself more whole; to help myself be an adult on the inside…all of that and more yet, I get this far only to realize there’s an enormous part of me that’s still a fucking child.

Oh how frustrating this discovery is, that I, when motivated by the right external forces, revert back to the depressive, challenged and brokenhearted kid that has dominated my life for its entire existence.

Feeling my thoughts go back to that awful rumination, that inability to see the truth and going into that place where nobody likes me, everyone hates me and all I am left with is eating worms is harrowing. Seriously though, how disheartening to realize all of this recovery has to happen on several concurrent platforms of my identity, some of which I didn’t realize were lacking. I’ve made great strides in professionalism, self-interests, socialization, friend making, appearance, expectations, planning, my money…but then to get blindsided by another plank of my person that I forgot to experience and grow is as frustrating as all hell.

Ugh! This is love? I forgot about love! How could I forget that emotion?

So here we go again, back to the slow slog of change, back to the road to recovery and once again to feeling things long dormant that must be felt and experienced while making subtle changes to get to a place where I can feel and be whole again. Thank you Universe for reminding me that my job is nowhere near finished.

And thank you to an old friend for reminding me about this part of me that I have been avoiding. You woke me up and now I can’t go back again. You brought me joy which I turned into pain, that has always been my way. Without you I’d just be in denial. Mad mad props.

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Missed your window

Yeah, what if you missed your window, woke up too late? You could start over. You could push through and yes, start again but a forty year old man isn’t suppose to be waiting on his peers, he’s suppose to be blazing his own trail and blah blah.

My generation is full of nihilists and definitely not capitalists and stuck behind the cushion of life’s couch. I managed to squeeze out but I’m still picking crumbs and lint from my hair.

When I meet someone and they seem uncomfortably hard to be around, they are probably a lot like me. I’ve also noticed there aren’t that many general personality types, behavior-wise and it is possible to predict people’s reaction more readily than I thought it would have been.

Growing up is putting aside childish things and that is true when I consider my growth, at this late stage, and how immature certain aspects of my behavior were as an adult.

I have a chronological age: 42. I also have an inner child/emotional age that I can always check by just asking myself and listening to what that inner voice tells me (the first number that pops into your head). Everyone has this ability and the ‘inner child’ knows this and will give you that number. When I was 32 and started redoing my personality, my inner voice would answer ’13’ years old. I was an emotional 13 year old.

After 10 years of good therapy and rebuilding I have hit about 28.

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Back door to mediatating: Chanting

We’ve pretty much started realizing that meditation, like exercise and eating right, is an essential part of a healthy lifestyle in that it reduces stress and helps things like PTSD recovery and any number of mind related stresses.

But I always had a horrible time meditating as I couldn’t get the perfect time, a quiet moment, a settled moment or even the mindset to consider creating the space. My mind was always racing and I’d be 10 steps in front of where I was when I thought I should be meditating and would just shrug it off and move on.

Then i got introduced to a form of Nichiren Buddhism (Japanese) that chants “Nam Myoho Renge Kyo” (which is also the title of the ‘Lotus Sutra’ (without the ‘Nam’)) and away i went chanting a little here and a little there…

Once I got the phrase down and felt comfortable repeating it over and over I found I could launch into meditation a lot faster. I also noticed the repetition of the words, the speaking, the chanting, gave my brain something to do and allowed me to train myself to sit still and take some time. i didn’t need bells or music. i didn’t need silence or to settle down, I could just launch into the chant and in a few moments be literally meditating.

Now after 3 years I have actually chanted (with heavy meditation) for over 3 hours straight! (a huge victory for my ADHD, short attention span self.)

And after years of going through alcohol recovery and personality recovery I truly believe this form of chanting might just be a killer back door for people who find traditional quiet meditation untenable. These links below are slow and fast version of someone chanting ‘Nam Myoho Renge Kyo’ in a meditative state:

Slow version: http://www.sgi-usa.org/newmembers/resources/slowgongyo/daimoku_slow.mp3

Fast Version: http://www.sgi-usa.org/newmembers/resources/slowgongyo/daimoku_fast.mp3

– *Nam* – Naam (Like VietNAM)

– *Myoho* – Mee-Yo-ho

– *Renge kyo* (pronounced together:) Wren Geck Ee-yo

You are suppose to put the emphasis on ‘Myoho’ because it is the ‘mystic power’ that kicks the stuff into gear

Naam Mee-yo-ho Wren-geck-ee-yo

And here’s more explanation from Wikipedia – Diamoku (chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daimoku

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