Archive for Adult Children


I’m not special to anybody, not even myself.

I want to be special to somebody, to be there favorite person or the one they turn to when they need to turn to their closest person. I want to be loved and adored, to be the one that makes the other feel butterflies or shivers down their spine.

I honestly can’t remember what that’s like. I haven’t been with anyone for about 7 years and the weight of the loneliness is crushing. It creates a unease in my personality and a neediness that is clear for everyone to feel and see when they deal with me.

And really, I should be special to myself, shouldn’t I? I shouldn’t have to wait for someone outside of me to validate that I am indeed special. It should be my own means and my own good self-relationship that defines this self-esteem issue.

But the conflict goes on as I try and repair the horrible self-image, the brutal self-esteem and the negative voices in my head. To integrate the voices and the images I make for myself into a loving and supportive system is fucking hard.

I need a hug.

Posted in Adult Children, Zombie Life, Zombie Philosophy | 2 Comments

But you don’t know me

A child, your inner child – the one that hurts inside – doesn’t want to hear you being rational and calm. “Fuck them” he says and “fuck them for their selfish bullshit that ripped our family apart and ruined mine and my brother’s fucking lives”.

These parents, as wonderful as you need them to be, HURT these two children and left a HOLE, were gone in their lives where they needed adult supervision (think: latch key kids). And this hole in parenting led to another hole – a hole in their heart.

What the parents did could be rationalized all day long but it hurt you very much and look what it did to your brother! They pretty much, through their own selfish needs, screwed up your personalities.

Now, i say all that to make a point: you are both suffering and both need help. YOU CANNOT fix your brother, he has to do it himself and because people learn through example and not through being forced, the only real way to help him is showing him how it is done, how to heal.

Time for you to take the focus off him and start looking inward my friend. You have to save yourself first and then he will follow.

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Sex with a zombie

Sex with these dead people, without a lot of alcohol or drugs like X, would ultimately lead to them dissociating ( and/or ‘getting in the head’, thinking too much about the act and the passion would die. The reason that they all had this very common problem was that they had all been molested at some point and because I am a man, they were women.

I was molested but only emotionally as my mom turned me into a surrogate husband (very common in alcoholic families.) She made me her buddy, her confidant and it felt like a relationship. She never touched me sex-wise (well, there were some slow dances that creeped me out…) but this relationship at such a young age set me on my path of manifesting, bringing into my life, immature women with no healthy boundaries.

My life has been filled with finding these emotionally stunted women so that I can take care of them like I did with my mom. And I know these women very clearly now. Some were alcoholics, drug addicts, one was an over eater/purger. My point is that they all needed saving and because they were ‘messed up’ they all had the attribute of dissociating during sex. At some point between 1-16 , they were molested in some way.

Children commonly use dissociation to protect them from horrible moments in their life. It’s this dissociation I saw in all of these injured eyes that I loved. It’s dissociation that helps someone forget how to feel their body, it’s this type of dissociation during a sexual moment that makes it impossible for some people to feel their feelings, their emotions and ultimately the body itself. Dissociation makes an orgasm a foreign idea.

I recognize my own dissociation when all of a sudden my mind is racing away from the moment, from the Now, obsessing over some train of thought and seemingly not in the room with whatever action is going on – like sex. In therapy, when I would approach terrifying subjects, I would dissociate and my therapist would whisper “Drew, where are you? Where did you go?” and as I got better I could battle to remain present.

I always hesitate to call women ‘frigid’ for it is rarely a decent enough word to encompass the truth of what is really going on with the other person. There is so much raw emotion usually around relationships that this word so easily missed. And for the record, guys that dissociate often have the opposite of ‘no orgasm’: premature ejaculation.

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Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

Never before have I found myself so able to concentrate on things for periods of time. My whole life has been a short-attention span existence that frustrated me to no end when trying to write or study or even just stay in the moment.

But since I started Nichiren Buddhism and the twice a day chanting/practice, the amount of time I am able to concentrate has grown longer and longer.

This is not magic, this is habit and the veracity and quality of a 3000 year old practice. Cheers to Buddhism and Nichiren for a wonderful practice.

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Unilateral Contract #001 and #002

I need to explain myself and what is going on with me and in doing so I beg of you to just hear my words and understand it isn’t anything you did. It’s all my doing and all my stuff.

It has been really special for me to get to know you again (for the first time) and with that I am seeing how cool you are and good and sweet. It has also made me realize how much of our past issues was sprung from my childhood issues. So much of the pain I cause our friendship and our love was due to my applying of things my mom did to me to the people in my life – I am realizing with your wonderful help, how I inject her into my current life.

I see now how I attributed things she did to things you did, unfairly. Recently those things sprung up with a friend who is like a family member, a sister, so as we got closer my drama would start and get on her as well. So I finally could see what part was really me.

1. One of those issues leftover from my mom is feeling used. When I was young, I was my mom’s surrogate husband, hanging out, being best friends, always together but then she would fling me aside for weeks at a time when she made up with my dad or got a new friend and basically it felt like I was being used – really the truth was was that i had no business being her friend and really should have been out playing. But putting me in this position she was putting a child into the shoes of an adult – but I couldn’t deal with it.

Fast forward to adulthood and our relationship, and I misguidedly assume that everyone is trying to use me instead of just realizing that people do ask for favors (especially me). So thus, as I have gotten better, I am very careful not to let my childhood imagination go wild. When people ask me to get them some stuff, I always have to reassure myself that this isn’t my mom using me, this isn’t my mom using me and that I LOVE to go get for people I care about. So there is no problem.

And you are my friend so, I know you aren’t using me. But the struggle continues and I will have Victory over this ‘unilateral contract’ – remember that?

I know now, in my heart that it isn’t you, it’s me!! And that makes it go away.

2. Secondly comes the double whammy. My other worse thing I still carry around from childhood is my awful fears of being left behind. Mom used to always do that to me. leave me behind – see I was, in my mind, an adult and how dare she go out at night to a bar without me (I know it sounds so ridiculous, cuz I was fucking 8!)

But this is what I am finally facing. My poor friend sometimes dares to NOT go to lunch with me cause a friend will ask her to go and she gets a grumpy me for her troubles :)

She has helped me learn that these are not things that are really happening, just an 8 year olds perspective.

YESTERDAY: But then all in one feel swoop I get a call from you asking for me to get some stuff so you take on a birthday camping trip I’m not going to. Needless to say, I hit the wall hard. this is what I do to all my friends – I even do it to Doug and he has learned to question me and make me think.

So I got upset and felt like I was being left behind. Silly huh?

So I say this to just reassure you that if I do get grumpy it isn’t you, it’s old habits that die hard – BUT DIE THEY WILL

I will be victorious over this ancient drama and I will strengthen my resolve to value and cultivate a wonderful friendship with you – a person that I am really coming to realize is a wonderful special friend.

So to summarize: I have these old things that I let surface and sometimes they hurt my buddies and I don’t want them to be hurt. I soooo appreciate all you have helped me with and love you very much.

Please understand you did nothing wrong and that I am sooo fucking happy that I can see this stuff happening and that with your beautiful friendship i can overcome!!!!

Posted in Adult Children, Guyland, How it works, Rant, Rave, Zombie Life, Zombie Philosophy | Comments Off on Unilateral Contract #001 and #002


I’m stuck and that’s why you’ve seen nothing. I admit this to bring the closet writer-struggling BS out in to the open. My relationship to my inner self is still in the raw stages and I still have a hard time producing and writing and thinking.

Frozen. Cheers-

Posted in Adult Children, Zombie Life | Comments Off on Stuck

People are cruel

A friend of mine was having a bad day:

That’s all I see lately. Is people hating each other. It feels like these are certain people who go looking for prey. I’m writing this because I saw someone just be a plain asshole and insult someone else for no real reason. I fucking hate humans. It’s so god damn hard to humble yourself when most of the world is lurking around for people to belittle.

The key for you would be to find away to believe the truth of the following axiom:

Don’t Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

That quote and the other three ‘agreements’ can show a person, if followed closely, how to avoid the pain and morass of what seems like a cruel world. The truth is that nothing that others do can hurt you if you don’t let it.

The story is the same be it Buddhism or Toltec or any of the new thought religions – the only thing we really control is our own reaction. Everything else that is outside of us is not our business nor does it have to be taken to heart.

People are cruel because inside them is a hurt and sad little child and they are miserable and angry. This helped me to let go of the crap they tossed at me…but it’s hard and everyday I have to remind myself that I like me and that is all that matters.

Posted in Adult Children, Uncategorized, Zombie Life, Zombie Philosophy | 1 Comment

What’s wrong with Gen X?

Gen X is the first major generation that were heavily effected by the Nuclear family – millions upon millions of children that were left to their own devices after school, weekends – when the single parent or both parents work, no one is there in that vital age to teach these children the more subtle and essential lessons on how to be a fully functioning adult.

So as a recovering Gen X that has had to increase his emotional age, his sense of identity as an adult, from about 13 to about 30. My parents both worked and with some help from alcoholism, neither parent was there. Repeat this millions of times over and you get a very lost generation that missed out on essential parental lessons like how to make friends, how to take care of yourself, how to feel content or how be self-motivated. Whether we blame baby boomers or not, Gen X is the first ever generation that literally had to bring themselves up as children…en mass.

Now what does this have to do with protesting and railing against the corruption? Well, Gen X (as well as Gen Y, Z and Millenials – who are all in this same non-parental boat) don’t have the skills to confidently go out there and take over the world or at least be able to stand up for what they believe – the Gen X I know and see every day, the Gen X I work with in recovery cannot and does not know how to protest, how to get worked up and have no idea how to ‘act’ on these feelings and how to organize and self-motivate.

Wanting this generation and the ones that followed to do some original thinking and acting is sad because they can barely get out of their own way, let alone care about and act upon things in our society. I am confident that down the line they will be better people (in the end) but for now, they are at their advanced ages, just starting to wake up to their own power.

But when they put it all together, they will be a force to reckon with. I just hope it’s sooner rather than later.

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What is depression?

“What is depression and how does it relate to me?” Someone asked me that the other day and this is what came dribbling from my slap-happy brain:

– Depression is normal and signifies our bodies and mind don’t like something that is going on, ‘time for change’.

– Some people never learned how to deal with depression and how to act on their own behalf when depression strikes and the things that need attending to don’t get attended to.

– The person can’t fix the depressive issues so the inner-self (our little kid) feels unprotected and feels that there is no way for them to fix the issue.

– with the inner-self feeling that the outer self cannot help them, the depression becomes deeper and becomes *Dread*

– Once the inner-self feels dread and feels like there is no one to help them, suicide becomes and excellent alternative.

– Until the outer self learns to take care of the depressive issues, the inner self won’t trust the outer self and the sickening dread will continue.

– If the outer self learns to be the parent, take care of the issues that the inner self (the child) needs help with, then the dread goes back to its normal level as just depression or sadness and finally goes away when the issue is resolved.

– so the key for so many many of us (especially Gen X and Y) many of which did NOT receive the skills in childhood that show us how to be our own GOOD PARENT.

– A lot of people these days (me me!) have gone back and learned how to be their inner-self’s own GOOD PARENT.

So here’s an interesting pamphlet from a great text book from some amazing therapist and doctors at UCLA – and especially helpful is the GOOD PARENT MESSAGES – a list of 15 mantras that can help get at the specific issues that lead us down this road of normal sadness becoming depression and then becoming dread and the end.

I put it out there and then let go – this PDF is worn and hard to read but wonderful for helping those that feel there is no help:

click on the PDF of Good Parent Messages.

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Osho on facing Change in your life

Osho is amazing:

This is my observation, that one should never make an effort to change anything because that effort is going to make things difficult rather than easy.

Osho has to be my favorite philosopher because he takes the best from all disciplines and only seems interested in finding the ‘right’ answer as opposed to the one that works within his personal ethos or religion. He is infamous for going against the grain of his own disciplines to find the way to help human beings learn how to live.

When I read it it hearkens back to all years I spent undoing the damage of my childhood and redoing the subtle lessons that add up to make us the persons that we are. But change that’s as old as the person can be difficult especially when it comes to changing those ancient habits. Osho explains:

Your mind is attached to something, and now the same mind tries to detach itself. At the most it can repress, but it can never become a real detachment. For the real detachment to happen, the mind has to understand why the attachment is there. There is no need to be in a hurry to drop it; rather, see why it is there.

The mind cannot just ‘let go’ or ‘forget about’ the thing that you want changed. That’s not how this impressive organ in our skull works. The person looking for change must first figure out WHY their brain harbors such an attachment to the habit to begin with.

Just look into the mechanism, how it works, how it has come in: what circumstances, what unawareness has helped it to be there. Just understand everything around it. Don’t be in a hurry to drop it, because people who are in a hurry to drop things don’t give themselves enough time to understand them.

For example, let’s take my drinking. I could have just stopped drinking cold turkey and gotten into AA and quit. Instead I got into therapy and consumed book after book on what made alcoholics tick. I examined my family life and found all the reasons that my personality type is drawn to booze. After learning all I could and examining my motives in therapy I was able to see why I was so attached to drinking:

Sober 7 years.

Once you understand, suddenly you see that it is slipping our of your hands; so there is no need to drop it.

So true. As I learned more and more, the fear attached to drinking and quitting drinking became less and less severe. The more I learned the less bite my need to drink had and the less I actually longed for a drink. It was like knowledge and honesty take all the power out of habits.

Nothing is there for any other reason other than misunderstanding. Something has been misunderstood; hence it is there. Understand it rightly and it disappears. All that is creating trouble is just like the darkness. bring light to it – and simply light, because with the very presence of light, darkness no longer exists.

Brilliant. I’m telling you it works. A habit, no matter the size, the veracity or the subtlety can be fixed or changed just by shining light, being understood, being examined- in this way you can stop trying, stop fixing and stop shoving to stop yourself from doing something. All you have to do is learn everything you can about the habit then watch it slip away like a dream.

Posted in Adult Children, How it works, Uncategorized, Zombie Philosophy | Comments Off on Osho on facing Change in your life

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