Archive for Binge

Binge Journal #16 (bad carbs and body image)

So it’s been about 8 months since I cut out most carbohydrates from my diet and lost a bunch of weight (25 pounds to be exact-ish) making myself feel better, having more energy and not feeling constantly hungry. Hell, I even am down 3 pants sizes!

But do you think that would be enough for my racing mind?


You would think I would be home clear from the body dyslexia by now, but that’s not the case. Six years of therapy and I’m still smelling the smell of the self-hatred, the self anxiety and anger and the inability to accept who I am. Six years later I am still calling myself the same names and slipping back into the mindset of a fat little boy. And six years later I still haven’t undone the damage of a nasty father who loved nothing more than calling his impressionable little son a ‘pork chop’…

But I am trying to make this little boy grow up inside, trying to lead him to a mindset that involves no hatred, no distortions, no nasty comments and no reliance on food as an emotional crutch. This is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. Harder than quitting alcohol, cigarettes and emotionally crippled women…combined. Just when I think I am in the clear an emotional situation creeps up and I’m stuffing my face.

The good news is that I am stuffing nuts and low carb snacks into my mouth as opposed to potato chips and candy. I haven’t gained much if any of the weight back and my pants sizes are as small as ever. There is nothing that I could possible take and make into a bad thing; there is no logical reason for me to be hard on myself…except habit.

A little story

I woke up in the middle of the night and had to go pee really bad so I stumbled into the living room and over to the bathroom. Now I never turn the light on because I know where everything is and have no need to see what I am doing. I also am not a girl so I stand while I pee which forces me to face a full length mirror on the bathroom wall. Well, I wasn’t paying much attention to anything other than my duty to the bladder and as I was nearing the end of the task I looked up at my image in the mirror. Gasp!

The mirror image DID NOT match my mental image. My mental image in my head was of a big fat guy but the mirror image (the truth) was of a guy much thinner, smaller and fit.

It scared the shit out of me. I didn’t recognize myself one bit and realized that I was still carrying around a self image that was totally incorrect. I must have stood there another minute after I had finished trying to reconcile these two images.

Since then, I have been trying to keep my mind from getting too negative and getting too distorted. I have been taking long looks in the mirror as opposed to hiding from mirrors and avoiding my own eye contact.

But these things are harder, harder than anything I have ever done. This is the mind and it is the most powerful instrument on the planet. Little by little and with all the love I could ever muster, I will make my little boy see the truth that he is not fat, not ugly and is not the little boy that had to hear those things come from his father’s mouth.

I am not that child.

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Binge Journal #15 (Killed by Carbs)

The diet I mentioned I was on, The South beach diet, will no longer be referred to as a diet and will instead be known as a ‘lifestyle change’ or an ‘eating style’. ‘Why’ do you ask? Because I am done punishing myself in an effort to get a habit to stick. It never works. Ever.

What does work s negotiating very slowly with myself over things that work and make us feel better. This low carbohydrate eating ‘style’ has done wonders for me. Besides the fact that I am down almost 2 pants sizes in 5 weeks, I have never had more energy, been less tired and enjoyed eating without shame since I was…well, since never.

I have always had a bit of hypoglycemia and was always swinging madly between states of sugar overload and sugar deficiency. This new style of eating where carbs are only consumed if they are good carbs (beans, buts, whole grains) has trained my pancreas, whose job it is to regulate my blood sugar, to slowly release the insulin I need and to keep my blood sugar balanced.

I feel great, sleep better, never get hungry till meal time, never get afternoon sleepy and have completely steered away from the junk that this society pushes on us 24/7.

I will post some photos soon…I am also looking for a scale to weigh myself. Maybe I can go to the mall and find one in a store.

If you have time watch this video and you will get a sense of what we, as Americans, are up against when it comes to getting fatter. Each person needs to take responsibility for their actions and themselves BUT…well just watch the video…

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Binge Journal #14

I guess I should have written about this earlier and I have no idea why I didn’t but here is the update on the last few weeks.

I started a version of the South Beach diet. Basically I am in the first portion of the diet where there are NO CARBS alllowed. That’s right, no carbs. No potato chips, no cereal, no soda, no french fries (sniff, sniff). The only things I can eat are meats, green vegetables and most dairy products. So I mostly eat omelettes, lunch meats, vegetables and meat.

Did I say meat. I don’t eat red meat so a lot of chicken, turkey products and some (shhh) pork. I have to take Benefiber to make up for the missing fiber I used to get from cereal etc…

So, how’s it going you ask? It’s going great… NO! Really great, I mean! I don’t like to weigh myself much and don’t own a scale so I’m not exactly sure but the the results are actually quite amazing.

The weight is dropping like a rock through water. My midsection has changed shape and is disappearing, my face is thinner and my breasts are smaller. All of my pants now are falling off and my shirts are less stressed.

I am suppose to incorporate a few of the slower burning carbs (tomatoes, nuts, beans) into my diet this week but with the success I am having I plan on keeping the status quo for one more week.

I have never dieted like this and never had the faculties and mindset that allowed me to be successful in an attempt to drop weight but, because I have done so much self work and really fomented a good relationship with myself based on trust and cooperation, this is not a hard diet.

It also helps that I didn’t have to change my diet that much considering that I was already eating this way to help my hypoglycemia.

I will update next week and maybe post a picture…

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Binge Journal #13

Patience is a virtue that I am learning but I have little or no patience
for waiting so…I bash myself.

My Body Dysmorphia is driving me bonkers. It’s like being on acid sometimes when I realize that the mental image I have of my body rarely matches the image that is the reality I see in the mirror. This can become extremely disconcerting, especially in the middle of the night when you are peeing, look up and see someone you don’t recognize.

Stopping the binge behavior (like the stuffing) is extremely hard, especially when I am alone so much of the time. Being lonely is the touchstone for me to become mindless about eating, that much I now know. My habit is to be alone and with that comes the loneliness and then the eating. So the answer would be to be more social…

I have to work on the two things concurrently because they are so intertwined. This is all an elaborate set-up that the little kid in me built when I was young and my parents weren’t doing the job that would have led me to a better system.

That’s where I’m at…

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Binge Journal #12

Well, I went to the Doctor (General Practitioner) for a semi-annual checkup thing that I have to go to because they won’t give me my happy drugs (Celexa 20mg – SSRI.) And as always they do they measured my blood pressure, temperature and my weight…

I don’t own a scale and was, I guess, avoiding weighing myself to not fall in the trap of ‘nickel and diming’ myself over how many pounds I weighed or lost. So basically, I was excited to see where I had gotten to over the last few weeks of weight loss/workout mode. I jumped up on the traditional looking scale and moved the weights to their appropriate position for the nurse.

I had gained 10 pounds since the last visit.

Gained? Ten pounds? You’re kidding right? I mean, I can see the difference in the shapes of my stomach, my sides, my face. Ten pounds? I can see the changes as clear as day! What the hell do you mean I gained ten pounds?

“Sometimes, when you start working out you gain weight because muscle weighs more than fat.”

(Know the truth, know the truth. Don’t let everything slip to shame and pain. You are on the right path, you are making headway.)

I know this isn’t a sign that I am going backwards and I know that because I am addressing my binge eating in a low-impact, compassionate way that I am going to change the way I look, the amount I weigh, I will be successful.

And one of the biggest habits I am changing is how I ‘see’ myself, how I see this body of mine. For the first time in my life I am starting to see it impartially as a outsider would see it, without judgement, without criticism. I just need to keep fighting this good fight and keep altering the ancient way that are my eating habits.

(But that voice is in my head, niggling at me, trying to drag me down.)

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Binge Journal #11

It has been a bit of time since my last entry. I am still going along with my current course of discipline: meal size, mindless binging and adding to my workout load ever so slightly.

At first, rather quickly, I could see changes to my overall body shape. The fact that my apartment is full of mirrors, I could easily see a difference in shape of the problem areas (love handles, breasts, face). Three weeks later, the changes are still happening but not at the rate that they were happening at the beginning. This has been the source of some amount of letdown for me. I am trying not to feel shame or be mean to myself over this as I know that this will take some time as my body adjusts to the new amount of food and the new types of exercise.

The weird thing is how my body is changing shape. It looks more awkward now than when I was carrying the extra weight. I know this is probably temporary and will try not to let this fact and my propensity towards body dysmorphia.

All in all, I feel a great amount of hope that I will, for the first time in my life, actually see some change in my body shape. I have hope that I will be healthier and more streamline as well as not so obsessed with food.

That’s until tomorrow when all of this will probably shift and I might be back hating my body and seeing it as a massive fat blob.

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Binge Journal #10

It has been nine days since I last checked in. There has been some reduction in the shape of my midsection; less of it. It’s happening. My face is more defined, the jawline.

There has been less binging for sure. I am eating smaller meals understanding that I was elongating the meal to make it last…always more. And smaller mouthfuls; less stuffing of my face… Oh, I can eat unconsciously. I can also choke very easily when I chew too little and swallow too son. Mindless eating.

But I have binged a little. And I have missed some meals, dinners mostly. I have eaten too much junk, but eaten more whole foods. This week is killer as my group at my day job is hosting screenings for international buyers. The food is top notch and lots of it. And lots of whole foods. I’ve been eating my share.

And that’s all good. I am very surprised at how easy I have negotiated the dinner issues (size, quality, pace) once I honestly looked at the habits and understood their dynamics.

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Binge Journal #9

I’m chipping away at this ancient habit, little by little. I refuse to weigh myself but have started to notice a change in my body shape. My problem areas are my love handles and breasts as well as the shape of my jaw line. All areas are changing. I have more of a shadow around my jaw line which means the first few pounds have come off and my love handles are smaller.

The odd thing is that, at first, things are changing shape as opposed to just reducing. It almost seems like it gets worse before it gets better. But I can feel the change…and I know the change is happening. Know

That’s the amazing thing about my recovery: every time I want to change something, I look at that habit with unabashed honesty and understand it from the idea that I am repeating an ancient habit. This is hard at first as human behavior works to avoid facing itself and its ‘bad habits’. But once I faced it and understood what was happening and how it works, I could no longer go on with that same behavior. Amazing. And the truth is, I haven’t really changed much at all.

No longer can I eat with the same compulsion. No longer does this happen with me in a disassociated state. And remember, I will never diet or skimp on eating. I believe firmly that this all works better because for the first time in my life, my little boy inside trusts me. When I tell him we are going to change something, I do it without forcing him or making him do something he doesn’t want to do. By examining my habits honestly and going very slowly, patiently, things happen much easier.

I refuse to hurt him anymore. I refuse to push him and force him. I refuse to be anything but his good parent. And I refuse to put my child on a diet.

I love him too much to do that!

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Binge Journal #8


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Binge Journal #7

A much more controlled Binge weekend!

I did not restrict myself or outright stop myself from binging this weekend, but I tried to fill my time with things to do and watch for the emotional triggers that help launch these extended eat-a-thons. And you know what? I did pretty good.

I would say Sunday was my worst. I was a little sad when I left my companion in the afternoon and found myself eating a little too much. Just recognizing it made it harder to continue the behavior. I did replace by smoking a little too much weed, but all in all I was better able to curb the constant stuffing.

I also was trying, trying to be more conscious and centered when I was actaully eating a meal. Trying to be more aware, as I actually put food in my mouth, chewed and swallowed to give more thought, time and meaning to the food that I am cramming into my mouth.

But this is all so hard and I am commited to taking baby steps so that I don’t turn this into work.

I can see the results already as my midsection is slightly smaller and my face, sallower.

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