(Saturday April 14)
I ate like crazy and felt lonely and sad all day (coincidence?). I think I even avoided being with some other people despite the fact that I knew it would help me feel less lonely and might have actually stopped me from bingeing.
I used to do this all the time – stay alone, avoid people and eat. But more and more this behavior is not very much fun.
Alone, smoke, binge – repeat!
Now to be more specific, it was mostly in the afternoon/evening that this behavior starts and with the night hours being the absolute worst.
I am so lonely right now in my life. In a city of 14 million I am at my loneliest. I am not liking my friends very much and not happy with my activities. I want a girlfriend.
It has always been like this but before there were defense mechanisms in place that helped me avoid see this pattern and feeling this pain. But now is the time to feel the pain and thus, do something about it…
When I eat, often, I don’t want to stop. Just keep going and keep going till I fill up and explode. To stuff myself full. To fill me up…
Just want to eat and eat and eat…nighttime, boredom, boredom not real, no hole. Big hole, big hole in my chest to fill, to stuff. I can’t feel whether I am full from the meal I just ate or still hungry. I assume I’m still hungry, believe I’m still hungry and would like to eat like I was starving.
I like to eat, big mouthfuls of food. I eat mindlessly, I eat, I eat. There is no hole, there is no hole. And this is all of my own machinations and still is.
I can be in control of me. I have changed big things in my life like deep emotions and habits. I can change this. I finally want to change this.
Sunday nights, the Sunday blues…eat eat eat. Dread the job, the week, the life. But I don’t do that as much anymore. I love everyday. So, maybe this eating is an old habit that has outlived its usefulness.
At night at night at night…smoking pot adds to my struggles to not binge at night but, I will not blame the drug as, the fingers and the mouth are much more complicit than the chemical.
Worse is the stuffing. Why do I like big mouthfuls?
Damn, that’s some honest shit. When I typed that I got a very warm buzz go off around my face and shoulder which usually means that I nailed something good.
Enough journaling, must reflect and must distract. Good work Drew
Last night I binged a little after a very modest dinner (usually my dinners are huge, enormous concoctions with plenty of carbs). I was very happy with the fact that I didn’t over do for dinner but after having a cookie I had a bowl of cereal. This disappointed me a bit and left a bad taste in my mouth…not literally.
This seems to be a specific pattern for me of eating before bedtime. I’m thinking maybe it has to do with the traumatic events that night would bring for me in childhood – think alcoholics going at it…drunken late night cooking…hmm.
seeing noticeable change in fat patterns around my middle and back…more to come.