Archive for correspondence

Does that chick have sideburns?

My friend is a professional, she’s also looking for that special guy, she’s not afraid to ask them on dates, and then she mopes around when they say she’s taking it too fast by leaning in for a kiss or they shirk off further dates by saying they’re busy (they can’t be more busy than her, she’s a medical resident). But when she’s talking about all this, I can’t get past the fact that she goes on these dates with facial hair! It’s not like she hasn’t heard of hair removal techniques, her parents are from India, where hair removal is more a part of life than here. There are other things she takes care of, like grooming her eyebrows or highlighting her hair, but she’ll let the other stuff grow.

She also smacks her lips very audibly when she’s eating with others and the makeup she wears is always badly blended and a shade or two too light. It just pains me when she talks about a failed date and can’t put a finger on what went wrong. She’s a close friend, but I don’t know how to talk to her about this because I don’t know if she’s trying to make a statement with that look or what. I’m also worried about how she’s treated on her job because of it.

Does anyone have any advice? In another time and place, finishing school would be the answer, but I don’t even know if those exist anymore, and I don’t think she’d be very open to it, anyways.

I’m working out my own Adult Child (ACOA) stuff which it sounds like your friend may be battling as well. Just google those words if you are interested in learning more. The following is my own conjecture and my own experience.

When I look at my own behavior I have a tendency towards the idea that essentially, my actions, people’s actions betray a truth and their words are usually only a half-truth.

If she is going out looking ugly and eating with no manners, then that is specific behavior and it is telling the truth of her unconsciously motivated actions. So what is the agenda for that? Why would someone’s unconscious mind make them act gross, look ugly while looking for a special guy?

Because the truth is part of her wants to be alone. The pressure is too much. Part of her may be desperate for a partner but another part is desperate to be alone and to not be looking and not worrying about the rejection and the fear.

A lot of people (me) straddle the line, behaviorally, between abandonment and inundation – one moment scared to be alone and then the next, desperate for aloneness and space. Add that to fear of rejection and a child will create a complex psychological construct where they are constantly undermining their own wants (lover/partner) by doing whatever they can (facial hair, manners, isolating, over drinking, being gross…) to keep it away.

My unconscious behavior to keep me alone was just getting real drunk and getting in loveless friendship type drinking relationships. After I quit drinking my strategy was to isolate and be mean to people.

It’s a battle everyday for me to be social, try to date and be interested in a relationship. I could see where someone would be gross, maybe fart or even eat too much, drink too much as a strategy to stay alone.

All of this is opinion. I hope something here helps someone. The Adult Child phenomena is the next big step for us as humans.

Posted in Adult Children, correspondence, Zombie Life, Zombie Philosophy | Comments Off on Does that chick have sideburns?

You don’t let them tell you who you are

(To a good friend)

You don’t let them tell you who you are, not even for a minute, not even for a second.

They will doubt and shame you just because they need something to do and must act upon an ancient jealousy that compels them to disparage or chink away at your armor. You must prepare for that moment where you stand up to these shamers, these guilters and their death-rays that burn full blast trying to melt you into a mold that they created from something they heard somewhere from some broken adult, like one in a church or a parent.

These are the ones that heap doubt, these are the ones that have shame and guilt for essentially ‘who they are’ and you are walking away from that lie and walking to where less guilt is stored and shame is abandoned and the ‘who we are’ is celebrated and the brilliant genius child inside is given a voice – this is a place of less mental baggage, less bitter thought and more embracing of true Universal Spirit.

But it is these specific moments where doubt is thrown your way, times in your life where you have to choose whether you will stand in the death-ray or run for cover because standing in that burning light is scary and hard and goes against all of our human instincts. Running for cover is a split-second reaction, very hard to control and direct and difficult to avoid in the heat of the moment.

But it can be done and I’ve watched you do it this far and I guess this post is to let you know that I can “see you” and “hear you” escaping from your past. I can see the progress your making and I celebrate the expansion that is your mind and spirit. And I say ‘keep up the good work’ and ‘don’t back down’ to exactly impress on you my happiness in the progress of ‘who you are’ because there aren’t many out there. We need more people that know who they are, are proud of who that is and stand in the bright shining light speaking their minds, telling their stories of who we really are as human beings.

I’m very excited to know you and see you on this path of transformation.

Your Friend,


Posted in correspondence | Comments Off on You don’t let them tell you who you are

To a Friend

“Would love to hear updates if ever there’s time!”
(’cause I know you love poetry – sarcasm)

There is time:

bigger soul, improved
heart sound and full,
love alive in mind and soul and heart
sound bouncing
time displaced
same place
same time
same awareness
politics and politics and politics are calling
my mind expanding
maturity growth and stamina

I’m well and think of you often
you save animals and love
them, you bounce through adventure
with an eye for more
you bound with honesty and wear
sleeveless shirts that let blood
spill from a heart of gold

“So let me walk these coals
till you believe
that I can
cut the mustard,
well enough”

You hear it all the time. those that want
you to believe, to understand.

And I’m the same but different,
growing fastidiously into the body
that I have come to wear, filling
out the cuffs, these sleeves, the pant legs
not starched but straight and narrow
for the love of my know and the worry
of my day.

I’m heavy with a summer and sent back
to find the shirts that make me remember.

I send you love. This is modern.

Posted in correspondence, Poetry | 1 Comment

More Fragmentations

From a fellow ACOAer:

This is not like me, and it’s bothering me… I’m “dual diagnosis” (both A and ACA) and I’m coming up to a year in recovery, for both as they are part parcel the same thing… Been doing really well, feeling good, gaining in strength, peace, acceptance, spirituality etc…

I started to feel a bit blue and tired about 3 weeks ago, though nothing of it “this too shall pass” but it seems to have progressively got worse and now I seem to be quite depressed even, still tired, fed up…. nothing going on in my life I can see, no problems (I think), but it’s got to the stage where I feel like things might be going wrong. I’m still working the program, going to meetings, praying, but I just feel like I’m slipping down a hole and I can’t stop it (even by handing it over)….

Dear ACOAer,

One thing i have actually realized about my depression that
flies a little in the face of the traditional “let go and let God”
is that no one, I repeat, no one but me is gonna clean up
my perceptions. As I go along through this world and realize
that I am an Adult Child, I keep hitting these problem areas
where I am blindsided by my childhood perceptions…

…now, I have always had a hard time with my weight, always
thinking like the child that was repeatedly told he was fat. So I
got a set of pictures back from the developer and saw myself-
I looked fat-

The minuite I saw them, i got a cold sweat and fragmented…it cast
a shadow over me. At the time I didn’t realize the severity of the
fragmentation and then later, that it was affecting me three
weeks later…like a filmy, dirty windshield, my perception of the rest
of my life was coated by this one issue not being resolved.

So the last couple weeks I’ve remained depressed even though I
couldn’t remember the reason why…and everything else that
went wrong since then (minor things) were colored by this 3 week
old perception NOT BEING CLEARED UP. And those minor problems
become huge problems…depression.

In therpay, we went back to the origiginal hurt (looking at my pictures)
and looked at how the past affected that moment
(being called fat all my life). We then logically looked
at whether I really was fat and what the pictures looked like and I
realize that in a knee jerk manner I had looked at the pictures
and judged them like I had been judged as a child.

Just connecting the current incident with the one from childhood
lessened the hurt, the sting of the current incident. Everything
lightened up a bit as I cleaned my perceptual screen.

I feel better now, but I always have to be on guard for the
mis-perceptions that come along and trigger my childhood reaction.
I guess the moral to this story is that I would be so much worse
off if I didn’t go back to these incidents and re-examine what
happened when I opened that package of pictures.

You mentioned, “I started to feel a bit blue and tired about
3 weeks ago” and if that were me I would look to see what
that incident was 3 weeks ago and see how that
related to a childhood hurt.

We can work this stuff if given the right tools and knowledge…

Posted in correspondence | 3 Comments

Dear You

I feel like I need to explain things to you
about me, so maybe you could look at me differently
than you do right now.

I know you need to protect the world from me, why not?
I’m pretty mean and nasty especially in the current
state of depression that has gripped me.

Not to mention protect yourself from this unreasonable
person (me) that exudes anger and nastiness. It’s only natural
to reflect back that anger, mirror that anger right back!

But maybe if you knew what was going on with me, inside
me, you wouldn’t be so quick to judge and would be able to
have sympathy for the impossible predicament I am in:

I’ve been massively depressed; sad. I am full of self-hatred,
full of doubt and loneliness. I don’t know how to treat friends
and am baffled why the ones I have cannot reach out to me.

I am a little boy inside, a latch-key kid that is still home alone,
terrified of the world outside yet desparate for some kind of
interaction and love; addicted to the solitude, but wanting to go out.

So all day long at work, I’m trying to stuff this sadness but when
I do that it comes out as anger. Maybe if I just cried uncontrollably
I would feel better, but really that’s not an option…

And here we go, another weekend with nothing to do,
another weekend of friends that won’t commit, of plans
that cancel and loneliness that eats at me.

This is my reality, my responsibility and my choice…

But maybe you could take it less personally knowing
that this mood is just my insides crying out in a time
where I am learning to create a better reality for myself.

This is the hardest part for me in all of this recovery
because I am opening up for the first time. So, I totally understand
the need to protect, it is right. But maybe it lessens the intensity a bit
knowing how sad I am inside and how much it isn’t meant for you.

It’s hard to ask for patience with me…

Posted in correspondence | Comments Off on Dear You

re:this is for pot-head losers in denial that they are junkies

so all that you said is fine and dandy but I have a question:

Why do you need to call these people pot-head losers, junkies,
drug addicts? What the hell does that do for you?

Shaming people by judging them on what they put in their
body is useless and incorrect. I could judge you as a prude
for being so scared of drugs..are you a prude?

or I can deduce that you are a troll…a loser troll that sits
in his mother’s basement all day, beating off to midget porn
and eating doritos and yoo-hoo; you weigh 350 pounds, have
zits all over your face and haven’t seen a real pussy in your life.

How’s that? You like being judged troll?

The people that are doing drugs are one of the last line of
defence for our ruined civil rights. All of you that judge do
so in the comfort of a free country while somebody is fighting
against our government to stop them from taking
all of our civil liberties.

Are you fighting that fight?

I doubt it. But a pot smoker? They fight against the system
to put what they want in their body.

What the fuck have you done to fight the fight? What have
you done to secure the civil liberties that you love so dearly.

Your here on a free internet that lets you say whatever you want.
What the fuck have you done to help that cause?

you said:

I have to agree with the op of the one post comparing pot to any kind of other drug. A drug is a drug PERIOD and if you are smoking pot everyday, guess what you are a junkie, and a drug addict and the only thing that seperates your ass from the person on the street is you haven’t lost anything YET.

Here is some info for all of you in denial that pot is good for you, or that it is ok and not harmful. Think again idiots….not only are you stupid for smoking that shit…you guys are dopey,slow talking, goofty motha fuckas!!

Posted in correspondence, Zombie Philosophy | Comments Off on re:this is for pot-head losers in denial that they are junkies

Relationships and Blowing in the Wind

You are right where you put yourself.

We bring people into our life and then
keep them away. We want people
that don’t want us and don’t want
the ones that do.

We are responsible for unconscious
behaviors that we’ve had
since childhood. Behaviors that
create discord and dissonance
in our own mind. A feeling of inundation
coupled with a fear of abandonment.
Fight or flight.

I personally keep people
away by hiding in my apartment
and when I do get in a relationship
I disappear into them and cling which actually
pushes people away quicker than hiding.

You are doing something (attitude, anger
rules) that is keeping these men away.
Find out what that thing is and face it, understand it.

You get exactly what you ask for from this world.
And what are you really asking for
from these Men? What are you asking this world
to give you cause, it’s giving it to you. You
are responsible. In a good, creative way.

And, with all due respect,
You “Man Up”. Find out why you are attracting
this type of man in your life. Take responsibility
for your interaction with this type of man.

We MUST take responsibility for what is in our life because
we put all of it there to begin with.

you said:

WTF…I’m totally hot, 24, very successful,
independent and a single mom…why won’t my
dates call me back? Are guys upset that I have a
6yo kid? Because I make it very clear that I’m not
looking for her new dad and don’t need them to
take care of us. I just want to have fun go to dinner
have adult conversation and if it happens to get
serious great! If not that’s cool too but at least call
me and let me know why you disappeared when I
told you I have a kid. Man up already! Uglier
women can land a man..W!T!F!

Posted in correspondence, Zombie Philosophy | 1 Comment

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