Don’t ask, just enjoy.
Archive for Dreams
I vanish into the veneer like a champ to avoid
the She that holds sway over my inhabitants.
These are simple folk who speak in tongues of
those who raise pitchforks, those who storm
holds and keeps; they yell at her, reject her first
I’m vibrating between realities of close and farther
than synecdoche. This is all I need to defeat her.
And then shoes are dropping everywhere
while I’m hallucinating farming,
stumbling around cow pastures, hiding
among knees and bones and trees-
The water is violent, I’m cold on the inside,
I see stuff that happens when no one is watching.
She moves through phases of idolatry and ultimately
settles with fusion. I have a hard time adjusting. I’m slow,
like an edifice.
Thereâ€™s no more house in the Hollywood Hills; well, there are no more hills, actually thereâ€™s a mountain is a complex to house the peopleâ€¦so many people. And outside thereâ€™s the reason for the massive structure that replaced all other structures out of necessity when the things outside started to grow and why they grew was also and odd story.
But Iâ€™ll start inside the mountain-sized structure but more like a mountain range structure and a big mountain range. Inside there were so many people and so many places. Nook and cranny type living that went deeper and deeper into the mountain-like structure. The kinda place that over the years has become like some crazy labyrinth the way to underground became in NYC.
Inside there was everything and turf and neighborhoods inaccessible from other neighborhoods and you name it. There were natural barriers like the Trash Guidance Line out of the structure or like the Government Offices that rode out of the North wall of the structure. Here were the Social Security, the
In one of the neighborhoods, deep in the structure, the Sunset one I think, a guy named Denh lived and worked at the local Office of Sensitivity ( you lived where you worked out of necessity and ease). He fixed the end cards for the Robots that were so popular these days.
Let me tell you a little bit about these Robots. The Kenjiki â€“Matszuki Company began production with those little Japanese Robots that could do little task and perform little stunts. They evolved quite a bit and now perform many more tasks that resemble human behavior and interactions. They never became human sized, I guess, cause of the portability, so they were about the size of a medium sized Teddy Bear.
There really werenâ€™t any pets anymore because of the people and the hunger and so forth. I kinda think that the Robots fit in the place of these pets cause they didnâ€™t eat or couldnâ€™t be eaten and they provide a lot of things and-
Iâ€™ve been post-mortem for 10 days now and they refuse to burn my body they way I wanted it done – something about my misguided Mother wanting a viewing and a proper burial. Funny how sheâ€™s always been worried about which gutter I was lying or the ditch I had come to rest. Hell, just another way for her to worry. I know my sister would fulfill my wishes but she would never stand up to my Mother.
But this place ainâ€™t so bad. I got my own drawer and a nice little sheet and the neighbors arenâ€™t bad. Mr. Thompsonâ€™s getting ready to head to the home, and Sally says sheâ€™s in a better place cause anywhereâ€™s better than the one bedroom apartment where she took her beatings. I guess I am a little sick of the bitchinâ€™ and moaninâ€™, but you know how people are when some big change happens in their lives. I canâ€™t blame themâ€¦Iâ€™ve always been good with change, never really bothered me. Might be because I was an Army brat and my Father was always dragging us around.
Mom did the same thing when the old man died. He wanted a small quick funeral and had it all prepared and everything. But would she let it go? Hell no! Itâ€™s almost like she needed that one last feeling of control. She did that all my life. Like how I wanted to go into the military and she made me go to college. Always trying to make me do something I didnâ€™t want. And here we are again, you think sheâ€™d just be happy to see our final wishes out. No way buddy, not her. One more way to keep me under her goddamn thumb.
Aw, what the hell am I talking about? This shouldnâ€™t be a time of anger. This is the great beyond and here I am whining about my Mother. She means well. Just wants the best.
Thereâ€™s a new guy today, think his name is Bobby or Tommy or something like that. Christ, who knows with all the damn blubbering heâ€™s doinâ€™. Everybodyâ€™s gettingâ€™ a little sick of him. I mean hell, we all got problems right? If he mentions one more time about how the goddamn cigarette company killed him slowly and lied to him, I think Iâ€™ll climb outta this drawer and give him something to really bitch about.
Thereâ€™s also this sweet little number in drawer 3. She came in last night and has the sweetest little voice. I mean, I think she was a hooker, but hell this is the afterlife and everyone deserves a second chance. Iâ€™d like to be the one who gives her that chance. Maybe Iâ€™ll meet her on the other side and we can shake the mortal coil and our bodies. HA!
Oh my Mother would roll over in her grave if she saw that one. Well, roll over in bed considering sheâ€™s still alive and all. She never approved of any of the girls I brought home. Hell, thatâ€™s why I never got married.
Really sheâ€™s not a bad person, she only wants the best for her baby. I guess I should be thanking her for caring about me, with the way I died and all. It wasnâ€™t a pretty picture. I mean theyâ€™re gonna have a hell of a time fixinâ€™ me up for the open casket. The restoration aloneâ€™s gonna cost a pretty penny and for what? So everyone I knew can come and gawk at me and say, â€œThank God that isnâ€™t meâ€. Well someday it will be you and when it is Iâ€™m gonna be there looking at you saying the same goddamn thing. Umm, well, maybe I wonâ€™t be there but somebody else will and youâ€™ll feel the same damn way I do right now. And another thing-
Wait, theyâ€™re pulling me out of the drawer. I can hear the Doctor saying somethingâ€¦What?! Huh? There sending me to the crematorium! Yes! My sister did it. But How? She never could stand up to Mom. But she must have. Take that you old bitch. Take that! Thatâ€™s for all the times you disapproved, for all the times you wouldnâ€™t let me have that second piece of pie, for all the times it had to be your way or the highway. Take that. Take that! Haha!
But donâ€™t get me wrong. My Mother was a wonderful woman. Very loving and supportive. I remember one time when I was ten and she took us-
Oh sorry, gotta go. The afterlifeâ€™s a callinâ€™ Catch you on the rebound or on the other side or whatever the hell happens. Nice talkinâ€™ to ya.
Burn baby burn! Haha!
An Earth is bigger now by giant
jungles and forests taken over urban-scape-
giant tigers larger than earthmovers;
big ones step on Wal Mart and Kmart –
a larger government facility like a city or state
with big walls, big everything-
giant humans help smaller ones in danger-
There was a meteor and exposure.
I’m normal. I meet a normal girl.
Gave her a pill outside a rave
she is banned and barred from-
The security at the place she watches
is starting to doubt her, when inside she
shoos me away, always, at three AM
She lives with a man in a tunnel-
I’m homeless; a giant lion crushing
our home, a plane came in toward
the rave, folded in its wings,
and landed in a parking space. A man gets out. He’s for her-
She uses men but says we have something
more desperate. She gives love,
and pays for the divorce seminars;
she’s in the plane and it’s floating away.
I take care of giant children, their
special issues like drugs and guns:
they’re calm and understanding,
helpful- concerned. Huge dark skies,
cliffs and valley beds. There are
tremors from footsteps and roars.
The buildings are big to withstand
big animals. Earth is big.
And she’ll be back tonight
To be a big friend of my life
And then gone again with the doubt
That anything big will ever happen.
Big Earth is lonely.
Waking up laughing
at the fat kid
down the hill.
Waking up smiling
from the joke
that is sleep.
In an old tire
world that blurs,
Waking up laughing
that do stand-up.
from the vice
of living in darkness.
Voices tell me
to laugh and cry,
ask for black
time in a bottle.
from the bathroom
drain, gurgle spit-
The quote goes:
“anger turned inward is depression”
Couldn’t be more true. And could ‘hate’ be used to describe the self’s feelings about the self? This dichotomy can become quite confusing.
My favorite way to read dreams is to look at them from the perspective that you are everybody in your dreams.
What that means is that while the dream is fresh in your mind, replace every person/pet/prominent object with yourself. Keep in mind that you are looking at the dream from the perspective that each dream is the inner-self’s attempt to explore its own relationship to the bigger you (or outer-self). It’s this relationship that dreams illuminate.
For example, when I first started my recovery/therapy I would have awful anxiety dreams where I was a waiter running around serving food to all these odd people, thousands of customers. I would always piss them off, fail to give them good service.
The way I read this dream (which if successful tends to ring a bell in my intuition) was that I was trying to serve (help) myself yet there was soooo much to do that I felt I wasn’t doing enough and letting ME down. Which really, I was, considering that I was uncovering all my self-hidden faults yet could not do anything about the fact.
My path was to try and be patient with my outerself as the inner was, for the first time, learning to trust that the outer guy would take care of the inner guy. The inner was sending me the message in dreams that it was overwhelmed and facing this daunting task of dealing with the many issues of recovery. It felt alone.
Four years later, the dreams are very much toned down save a few hot-topic issues here and there. There is a sense inside me of trust. The inner self is finally convinced that I will take care of it and now faces fewer issues to overwhelm it.
I bet, so was I. The key is that your intuition can and will lead the way if you let it.
And dreams can be the tool that illuminates your relationship to yourself.
Cheers – Drew