Archive for Rant

Brilliant

I was always told how much of a genius I was. I was always assured I could do anything I wanted and could do things other people couldn’t. They put me in all the best elementary school programs and gave me all the attention a budding genius could ask for. They even told me my IQ score and let everyone know how brilliant I really was. The bullshit flowed and smoke was absolutely being blown up my naive ass.

Then it all fell apart. Somewhere around middle school the support ended and these stewards of mine withdrew their support. The middle school I went to was ranked as some of the worst in the nation and gangs ruled the school (yes, even in middle school). Bullies were more prevalent than teachers and support staff. I became hardened and spent a lot of time on the absentee list. I became disinterested and stopped studying. My life morphed into a latch key existence – a swirl of domestic violence and self preservation – where I strived to just get by and survive as opposed to thrive.

Little did I know how far behind the eight ball I was falling. I didn’t then understand the learning disabilities growing in me nor realized that alcoholic, latch key parents having to work ridiculous hours would have massively broken results in my adulthood. No one celebrates the cessation of your normal childhood development. Nobody touts that you can’t socialize or make friends or that you wouldn’t know how to date if your life depended on it. How could they when they didn’t even realize you weren’t actually going to school save the days the school gave their cookie cutter tests. I was a broken human being at this point and how I squeaked into college was a comedy of systemic errors.

And luckily, college was where, after three years of scraping by, I would be diagnosed as being functionally illiterate.

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Generational Mindsets

Baby Boomers, predominantly, believe that we are all singular individuals, unique ‘snowflakes’ despite the fact that we are part of a larger whole, 340 million people in America, 8 billion on the planet.

So the truth lies somewhere else. Can 340 million people actually be completely unique or is the fact that we share 98% of our exact DNA pattern with every other one of these humans, these pack animals, mean we share a lot of our behavioral patterns and need to make decisions based on the whole, based on the ‘pack’?

This, to me, explains why there’s such a divide in America right now. Boomers believe they can legislate for the individual and ignore the similarities of the pack animal needs while everyone else looks to collective action such as Universal Healthcare, broader economic models and things that help the whole.

Time to stop looking at the self and start looking at the whole.

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All this fixing and still broken

Years of hard work, changing habits, examining motives, understand tendencies and using the tools I have found to make myself more whole; to help myself be an adult on the inside…all of that and more yet, I get this far only to realize there’s an enormous part of me that’s still a fucking child.

Oh how frustrating this discovery is, that I, when motivated by the right external forces, revert back to the depressive, challenged and brokenhearted kid that has dominated my life for its entire existence.

Feeling my thoughts go back to that awful rumination, that inability to see the truth and going into that place where nobody likes me, everyone hates me and all I am left with is eating worms is harrowing. Seriously though, how disheartening to realize all of this recovery has to happen on several concurrent platforms of my identity, some of which I didn’t realize were lacking. I’ve made great strides in professionalism, self-interests, socialization, friend making, appearance, expectations, planning, my money…but then to get blindsided by another plank of my person that I forgot to experience and grow is as frustrating as all hell.

Ugh! This is love? I forgot about love! How could I forget that emotion?

So here we go again, back to the slow slog of change, back to the road to recovery and once again to feeling things long dormant that must be felt and experienced while making subtle changes to get to a place where I can feel and be whole again. Thank you Universe for reminding me that my job is nowhere near finished.

And thank you to an old friend for reminding me about this part of me that I have been avoiding. You woke me up and now I can’t go back again. You brought me joy which I turned into pain, that has always been my way. Without you I’d just be in denial. Mad mad props.

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Missed your window

Yeah, what if you missed your window, woke up too late? You could start over. You could push through and yes, start again but a forty year old man isn’t suppose to be waiting on his peers, he’s suppose to be blazing his own trail and blah blah.

My generation is full of nihilists and definitely not capitalists and stuck behind the cushion of life’s couch. I managed to squeeze out but I’m still picking crumbs and lint from my hair.

When I meet someone and they seem uncomfortably hard to be around, they are probably a lot like me. I’ve also noticed there aren’t that many general personality types, behavior-wise and it is possible to predict people’s reaction more readily than I thought it would have been.

Growing up is putting aside childish things and that is true when I consider my growth, at this late stage, and how immature certain aspects of my behavior were as an adult.

I have a chronological age: 42. I also have an inner child/emotional age that I can always check by just asking myself and listening to what that inner voice tells me (the first number that pops into your head). Everyone has this ability and the ‘inner child’ knows this and will give you that number. When I was 32 and started redoing my personality, my inner voice would answer ’13’ years old. I was an emotional 13 year old.

After 10 years of good therapy and rebuilding I have hit about 28.

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Hating the government

Unpopular as this might be, we hate the government because it is a direct reflection of the majority of people in our country. We hate what we are and what we were. For us on reddit and the internet in general, this is a hard pill to swallow.

We, as a whole, are a war mongering bunch. We love sentimental platitudes of patriotism that stroke our distorted egos. We love law and order, wars-on-things and capital punishment.

We, until recently, love boot strap pulling tough guy cowboys and berating the unfortunate that happen to have been born poor, without structure and end up in crime – we want to lock everyone up and throw away the key.

We love throwing our weight around the world and pissing money away to make sense of our military industrial complex. We hate admitting when we’re wrong and will invade a country based on lies to meet vendettas and cover our asses. We love looking down our nose at older, more secure countries like France and Germany that have been through it before, have learned a sense of maturity and have insight to offer. We don’t need them, we know everything.

We take up sides like we’re players in a football game. Rah rah-ing and shaking our pom poms oblivious to the distortions each side is smacking us with and ignoring the truth as long as we win.

We are children of recent history, reveling in our ignorance and spinning around on our egos. We look up to fakes like Reagan and paint our history as some paragon of virtue while ignoring the horrors we have unleashed and the mistakes we make continually, repeatedly like parent-less children.

At some point we will have have to take a long look at our sick and bloated societal egos and relate that to our own existence. Many other societies do things the right way, care about their fellow citizens and aren’t nearly as susceptible to flagrant propaganda by the likes of corporations that fleece us dry at every step.

So when we hate the government, we are hating a direct representative of who we are, what we have allowed from behind the comfort of our cushy living rooms and we, the majority, have some serious growing up to do.

Taking responsibility is the hardest part.

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These are days

How do you ask for help from the world around you? Do you yell at the top of your lungs? Do you whisper? Do you beg?

I’m crying on and off, choked up like I’m watching an Old Yeller retrospective. No rhyme, no reason just crying and sadness and a direct connection to the part of me that is very sad.

These days I miss my anti-depressants, my SSRI – the beautiful little bubble I used to live in that protected me from myself.

I’ve started yelling at people to defend the little boy inside from their shitty behavior. He loves it but, them? Not so much. He thinks its cool because I never used to defend him and would let people walk all over me. But I think I need to find a middle ground where I don’t sound so much like a crazy person that just got visited by aliens.

I’m a 16 year old boy in the body of a 41 year old man. My feelings are racing between highs and lows and my mind and my body don’t know what to do. I’d blame the alcohol I recently started imbibing again after a 9 year hiatus but that just seems like a cop out. Truth be told, this is what I should have been doing when I was young – to learn how to be stable, strong, confident, happy and content. So here I am in my 40ies when I should be going through a mid-life crisis and am instead having a teenage dream of growing up.

I will power through these issues, this maturity, the coldness of a world that just doesn’t seem to give a shit. And I will try my best to make these growths with grace and subtlety and avoid the wild mood swings becoming bludgeons with which I beat the people around me.

Forgive me world. growing up is hard.

Posted in Adult Children, Rant, Zombie Philosophy | 1 Comment

Modern Advertising: It’s Okay to Hate Men and Treat Them Like Dogs

Modern advertising needs a Foil in each buying situation they depict (like this commercial) – The purchaser can look down on and feel superior to the foil and thus identify with the product later on at the point of purchase (at the store, at the beer cooler)

I’m tired of ‘foil’ advertising especially when they make it so hateful.

My feeling is we need real, involved ‘consumer unions’ to get our collective power back from corporation through the threat of mass product/brand boycott.

A couple of million people strong would do it…maybe as little as 300,000…unified on buying habits.

And these commercials boil my blood. That’s what motivated this post. I want to punish Miller Lite…

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Go to tell your 16 yr. old self something

Oh fuck dude, where do I begin? Lemme see….

You’re not at all fat! Actually as it turns out, you are very handsome but just got lied to by people that should have been protecting you but instead destroyed you. Keep repeating over and over until you believe it the truth: you are aren’t fat. You’re very handsome and a really good guy. I am so fucking proud of you. Do you know that?

And what do you want to be? What do you want to do? And I don’t mean smoke pot all the time and get drunk. What else? You’re a great writer but your still illiterate technically at 16. You’re writing is like a really creative mess. Ask for help. I want you to apply yourself and if you do you will be so happy, I promise. Apply yourself, please? If you do? You can still smoke pot. Okay?

And pretty soon you’re gonna need therapy and I want you to start whenever you feel up to it, okay? You’re depressive, buddy. A big cute depressive guy. I want you to get help, okay? Check out ACOA and IBP therapy…get a head start cause your 30ies will be a fucking ride and a half :-/

But I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of how you end up fighting through your depression and changed your life. I’m so proud of how good you are at heart and how you removed those defense mechanisms and let people love you. You can do anything buddy, so don’t ever sell yourself short and start writing more and you’ll be so happy.

I love you

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The goal heard around the world – USA 1 Algeria 0

This moves me so…

Not sure if it’s America finally embracing soccer or the win itself but something inside me knows this is as big of a moment for the USA as well as the rest of the world.

Our finally coming around, en mass, to soccer (football) almost seems like an end to American Exceptionalism and the horrible Bush Doctorine, preemptive war type thinking that has kept the USA seperate from our fellow humans the world round, for so long.

Or maybe it’s just a beautiful game. Excuse me while I weep like a fucking baby. USA USA USA!

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Chase Dude

Oh Man, I wanna take this opportunity to apologize to the Chase executive dude that was invited by my employer to come and offer us their services.

He was standing in the turn around area in the main entry handing out Chase Credit card offers or some other nonsense and when he semi-shoves the paper into my hand I wasn’t even thinking when I looked at the paper, laughed at the realization it was a Chase credit card offer and proceeded to crumple it up.

I didn’t look back after I tossed the wad of Chase paper into the trash. That wasn’t very nice. The whole thing wasn’t very nice but in my defense, they are a scum sucking vampire corporation.

But still, sorry dude 🙁

Posted in Rant, Rave, Zombie Life | Comments Off on Chase Dude

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