Archive for Rave

Unilateral Contract #001 and #002

I need to explain myself and what is going on with me and in doing so I beg of you to just hear my words and understand it isn’t anything you did. It’s all my doing and all my stuff.

It has been really special for me to get to know you again (for the first time) and with that I am seeing how cool you are and good and sweet. It has also made me realize how much of our past issues was sprung from my childhood issues. So much of the pain I cause our friendship and our love was due to my applying of things my mom did to me to the people in my life – I am realizing with your wonderful help, how I inject her into my current life.

I see now how I attributed things she did to things you did, unfairly. Recently those things sprung up with a friend who is like a family member, a sister, so as we got closer my drama would start and get on her as well. So I finally could see what part was really me.

1. One of those issues leftover from my mom is feeling used. When I was young, I was my mom’s surrogate husband, hanging out, being best friends, always together but then she would fling me aside for weeks at a time when she made up with my dad or got a new friend and basically it felt like I was being used – really the truth was was that i had no business being her friend and really should have been out playing. But putting me in this position she was putting a child into the shoes of an adult – but I couldn’t deal with it.

Fast forward to adulthood and our relationship, and I misguidedly assume that everyone is trying to use me instead of just realizing that people do ask for favors (especially me). So thus, as I have gotten better, I am very careful not to let my childhood imagination go wild. When people ask me to get them some stuff, I always have to reassure myself that this isn’t my mom using me, this isn’t my mom using me and that I LOVE to go get for people I care about. So there is no problem.

And you are my friend so, I know you aren’t using me. But the struggle continues and I will have Victory over this ‘unilateral contract’ – remember that?

I know now, in my heart that it isn’t you, it’s me!! And that makes it go away.

2. Secondly comes the double whammy. My other worse thing I still carry around from childhood is my awful fears of being left behind. Mom used to always do that to me. leave me behind – see I was, in my mind, an adult and how dare she go out at night to a bar without me (I know it sounds so ridiculous, cuz I was fucking 8!)

But this is what I am finally facing. My poor friend sometimes dares to NOT go to lunch with me cause a friend will ask her to go and she gets a grumpy me for her troubles :)

She has helped me learn that these are not things that are really happening, just an 8 year olds perspective.

YESTERDAY: But then all in one feel swoop I get a call from you asking for me to get some stuff so you take on a birthday camping trip I’m not going to. Needless to say, I hit the wall hard. this is what I do to all my friends – I even do it to Doug and he has learned to question me and make me think.

So I got upset and felt like I was being left behind. Silly huh?

So I say this to just reassure you that if I do get grumpy it isn’t you, it’s old habits that die hard – BUT DIE THEY WILL

I will be victorious over this ancient drama and I will strengthen my resolve to value and cultivate a wonderful friendship with you – a person that I am really coming to realize is a wonderful special friend.

So to summarize: I have these old things that I let surface and sometimes they hurt my buddies and I don’t want them to be hurt. I soooo appreciate all you have helped me with and love you very much.

Please understand you did nothing wrong and that I am sooo fucking happy that I can see this stuff happening and that with your beautiful friendship i can overcome!!!!

Posted in Adult Children, Guyland, How it works, Rant, Rave, Zombie Life, Zombie Philosophy | Comments Off on Unilateral Contract #001 and #002

What is Buddhism to me?

To me and my daily practice Buddhism is a philosophy in that it allows me to connect myself to the Universe and the uncaring yet attentive force that creates our world.

Chanting “Nam-myoho-renge-kyo” is a practical exercise where I am able to concentrate and connect in the moment with the creative force of the Universe (which I am a part of).

Buddha like Christ is a state of humanity that we can connect with – it is our better side, our honest side and our side that loves. Chanting connects me to this and allows me to be specifically creating my world and future.

It reminds me a lot of New Thought religions (Unity, Religious Science, Agape) in that there really is no central God that holds dominion over us – we are God and the Universe and must work to strengthen that connection.

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My favorite Albums of 2008 – Part 5

Interpol is just cool. Period.

From 2008 Album: “Our Love to Admire” comes the song “No I in Threesome”:

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My favorite Albums of 2008 – Part 4

Radiohead released their 2008 album “In Rainbows” in late 2007 over the internet in a ‘pay whatever you want’ model and people actually paid their fair share (I paid about 9 dollars for it.) As it turns out it is the best album of 2008 and maybe even better than their “OK Computer” which I hope is not considered blasphemy. This song is called “Jigsaw Falling Into Place”:

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My favorite Albums of 2008 – Part 3

My Morning Jacket was a pretty Countrified band from the backwoods that has recently changed course and opened up their sound. This one from their 2008 album “Evil Urges” entitled “Evil Urges” reminds me a little of the Starsky and Hutch theme song. Then it gets to rockin’ and we forget all about the 1970s:

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My favorite Albums of 2008 – Part 2

TV on the Radio’s 3rd album “Dear Science” is freakin’ epic. I couldn’t even begin to stick them in a genre – funk, rock, psychedelic, blues, jazz…you pick. They are pretty amazing at changing directions and building things to a monstrous peak only to come crashing down with beauty, base and sexy shaking thunder. Check out the opening song “Halfway Home” – gives me shivers…

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My favorite Albums of 2008 – Part 1

Fleet Foxes was a nice surprise with their new take on folk music combining modern rock with folk simplicity and natural, Earth-y subjects and sounds.

The first song that caught my attention was their “White Winter Hymnal” from their first, self-titled album (they also have an EP entitled “Sun Giant”.)

Check it out:

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Adult Children: a subreddit

Reddit is my favorite website on the planet. It is a social-news and cool stuff aggregate that allows the users to submit and control (by up/down voting) the content of the site:

reddit is a source for what’s new and popular on the web — personalized for you. Your votes train a filter, so let reddit know what you liked and disliked, because you’ll begin to be recommended links filtered to your tastes. All of the content on reddit is submitted and voted on by users like you.

Once on the site you will notice that the links to stories are categorized through Subreddits, my favorite being Politics:

http://www.reddit.com/r/politics/

The site has a great user base and the comments are sometimes better than the actual stories they link to. Just by creating a username you can get involved, start voting and feel a part of this social web of information and entertainment.

But my new favorite thing is that anyone can create a category, a Subreddit and grow it into a thriving community. I have created one that you will recognize as one of my favorite topics: Adult Children:

http://www.reddit.com/r/AdultChildren/

So far it is slow going but already I have 35 subscribers. I will take my time and grow this little community carefully and with love and compassion.

I am the moderator of this subreddit, I am username garyp714.

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The Guy Code – Real Guys Top Ten List

From a fascinating book called “Guyland – The Perilous World Where Guy Become Men” by Michael Kimmel comes a quick run down of the most popular responses to the author’s question of “What makes a man a man”:

  • Boys don’t cry
  • It’s better to be mad than sad
  • Don’t get mad get even
  • Take it like a man
  • He who has the most toys when he dies, wins!
  • Just do it
  • Size matters
  • I don’t stop to ask for directions
  • Nice guys finish last
  • It’s all good

Ugh. How fittingly this sums up most of the cognitive dissonance that has plagued me and the throngs of men that inhabit this day and age. Is this what makes a man? Is this the criteria that we want our young men, our little boys to use to determine what makes them a man?

In this day and age with normal societal markers that adolescents and adults use to determine adulthood mostly coming later and later, we are leaving our children, our boys to fend for themselves when it comes to emotional maturity. Working parents, latch-key kids, delayed marriage and delayed child-rearing, longer lifespans, and communities that offer zero support- is it any wonder that our boys, our adolescents are lost when it comes to approaching adulthood?

And then we have this code, handed down by other boys in a ritual of creating adult boys that have no real idea what it is to truly be a man. Adult children in a man’s body – Guyland is a place where the truth of a man is lost in the rush for identity.

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My Nietzsche

Humility:

I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.

Brevity:

It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what others say in a whole book.

Community:

Insanity in individuals is something rare – but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.

Punditry:

The most perfidious way of harming a cause consists of defending it deliberately with faulty arguments.

Creativity:

One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.

Defense mechanisms:

Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.

Beliefs:

Faith means not wanting to know what is true.

Mind:

Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings – always darker, emptier and simpler.

Still making me shake my head and mumble in agreement.

Also, here’s a hilarious and perfect website that combines Nietzsche quotes and Family Circus cartoons:

http://www.losanjealous.com/nfc/

The combo works surprisingly well.

Posted in Rave, Zombie Philosophy | Comments Off on My Nietzsche

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