Archive for (sigh)

Discovery of the Lotus Flower

Was lost somewhere near Magnolia and Glen
Oaks at the bottom of a very dry
mountain and wedged above an underwhelming
indoor mall when I discovered a
lotus flower floating in a pool of chlorine.

And I plucked her from the fumes and hid
her among the lesser vegetation then watched
as it caused a landslide that carried us
down into the Deer Canyon debris basin.
But through it all she bloomed as I stared in awe.


But you’re too smart for that. You’re all
Buddhists and business, numbers and quantum
physics finding Shakyamuni in the scatter
of the Universe’s own red shifted light. You traced
your lineage back to the same black hole where

we always met up. It was our event horizon, our
costumes of space adventurers. You were the princess
and I was the smuggler and I got jealous when you
took a picture with that space alien. He didn’t
know you. He didn’t know you had lived an entire

lifetime before I found you, always blooming and
seeding at the same. Such a perfect flower, such a majestic
purpose and I wasn’t about to let some alien move in.
We fled to Ikea and hid among the throngs, among
the fellow holograms living on the edge of love.

I realized you were the cause and effect of an entire
Universe that I was just starting to understand.
I closed my dating website account that night.

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I was always told how much of a genius I was. I was always assured I could do anything I wanted and could do things other people couldn’t. They put me in all the best elementary school programs and gave me all the attention a budding genius could ask for. They even told me my IQ score and let everyone know how brilliant I really was. The bullshit flowed and smoke was absolutely being blown up my naive ass.

Then it all fell apart. Somewhere around middle school the support ended and these stewards of mine withdrew their support. The middle school I went to was ranked as some of the worst in the nation and gangs ruled the school (yes, even in middle school). Bullies were more prevalent than teachers and support staff. I became hardened and spent a lot of time on the absentee list. I became disinterested and stopped studying. My life morphed into a latch key existence – a swirl of domestic violence and self preservation – where I strived to just get by and survive as opposed to thrive.

Little did I know how far behind the eight ball I was falling. I didn’t then understand the learning disabilities growing in me nor realized that alcoholic, latch key parents having to work ridiculous hours would have massively broken results in my adulthood. No one celebrates the cessation of your normal childhood development. Nobody touts that you can’t socialize or make friends or that you wouldn’t know how to date if your life depended on it. How could they when they didn’t even realize you weren’t actually going to school save the days the school gave their cookie cutter tests. I was a broken human being at this point and how I squeaked into college was a comedy of systemic errors.

And luckily, college was where, after three years of scraping by, I would be diagnosed as being functionally illiterate.

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Been a long time

Missed you and thinking about you but when I go to write it just doesn’t feel right and I close out. For a long time I didn’t even know the password to get in so I just changed it and here I am.

Funny how important you were when I was sicker and weaker and was lost in my own little world. I wrote and wrote and added video and made up all kinds of stuff to add to this place but these days, I dunno, I feel like I have to save my energy for other things and so you sit here languishing. And even now, I’m not really sure what I could add?

Don’t be mad. I’ll be back some day and give you what you so deeply deserve but for right now, I am putting my time into other places that just don’t include you.

Much love


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Mount Eerie – House Shape

This song and the one that follows live in the intersection between black metal and rock and roll and it couldn’t be done any smoother. Beautiful interplay between to consonance and dissonance that makes music come alive.

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Mount Eerie – Lone Bell

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Love – then versus now

Now that I am in my 40ies, one thing that seem so odd about the fact that I had to go back and grow up again in my 30ies is that while it was a horrific process – much akin to going through high school again – it has allowed me to leave the morass of an immature mind set and start moving forward into areas I never thought possible.

Love used to be a desperate and painful feeling. When I felt love, it meant I was obsessive and scared, a leaf in the wind of emotions and gut wrenching sadness, a place where fear dominated and self doubt was the rule. Growing up meant leaving this immature mindset behind and looking to the unknown world of mature adult feelings and emotions.

And I am there. I am in a place where love isn’t so scary anymore and it sits in a different place in my heart. Instead of pain and doubt, it inhabits a state of strength and hope. Instead of a desperate need it feels like something I deserve and can expect as a result of hard work and being a good person. It’s no longer something that overwhelms but something that feels like satisfaction and contentment.

Now, I have no idea where this current iteration of love is going or where it will end up but, for the first time in my life, I’m not afraid of the outcome and not afraid of what bad things might happen and instead am just happy to have this person in my life and be able to feel these nice warm feelings and emotions in my body and soul. I am not afraid of the future, I look forward to the adventure it will bring.

So thank you to my inner self for embracing this change and working so hard to grow and expand into a mature and true self. You trusted me and together we have made fantastic progress.

And thank you to the person who has reawakened those feelings in me. You know who you are.

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Untitled – Guest Poet


Ambivalent how fate decides
Decides to make you whole or void
And your mind all but abides
setting aside, dream destroyed
I long for where you might be
Maybe I should give up, settle
Coldly touch just what I see
Not boil over, hot as a kettle
Faith is how great loves are kept
And I keep this love, I do
Carry it with a burden, I accept
The Burden of being without you

– anonymous


This reminds me of the stresses that simmer below the surface in everyone. So beautiful…

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All this fixing and still broken

Years of hard work, changing habits, examining motives, understand tendencies and using the tools I have found to make myself more whole; to help myself be an adult on the inside…all of that and more yet, I get this far only to realize there’s an enormous part of me that’s still a fucking child.

Oh how frustrating this discovery is, that I, when motivated by the right external forces, revert back to the depressive, challenged and brokenhearted kid that has dominated my life for its entire existence.

Feeling my thoughts go back to that awful rumination, that inability to see the truth and going into that place where nobody likes me, everyone hates me and all I am left with is eating worms is harrowing. Seriously though, how disheartening to realize all of this recovery has to happen on several concurrent platforms of my identity, some of which I didn’t realize were lacking. I’ve made great strides in professionalism, self-interests, socialization, friend making, appearance, expectations, planning, my money…but then to get blindsided by another plank of my person that I forgot to experience and grow is as frustrating as all hell.

Ugh! This is love? I forgot about love! How could I forget that emotion?

So here we go again, back to the slow slog of change, back to the road to recovery and once again to feeling things long dormant that must be felt and experienced while making subtle changes to get to a place where I can feel and be whole again. Thank you Universe for reminding me that my job is nowhere near finished.

And thank you to an old friend for reminding me about this part of me that I have been avoiding. You woke me up and now I can’t go back again. You brought me joy which I turned into pain, that has always been my way. Without you I’d just be in denial. Mad mad props.

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Lawn and Garden

Grandpas yell: “get off my lawn and don’t come back.”

Grandpas say it a lot and I shoot back with:

“lawns and their upkeep are a serious addition to the nightmare that is our inability to preserve our resources. See Grandpa, the sod you’ve replaced 8 times in the last 5 years is grown in a field where crops could be grown. The water used to cultivate that grass field for you used ridiculous amounts of water we don’t have.

Then that shit gets sent to your house after the last batch died because you live in a desert grandpa (California). Kentucky Bluegrass doesn’t belong in the desert Grandpa.

Then you water that shit AND THE FUCKING SIDEWALK and the fucking road everyday for ten weeks until it dies and you spend a thousand bucks having it replaced.

And don’t get me started on the amount of wasted resources and pollutants that the little team of Mexican Americans use each week to make sure you precious lawn looks perfectly manicured so you can sneer at the neighbor Jenkins who has turned to a xero-scape, desert lawn that requires no upkeep.”

Then I not only step in his yard on his grass, i also break his sprinkler heads when he’s not looking.

(edit: in reality I have no grandpas left :( —)

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If you could get one minute of undivided attention from every single human being on this planet, what would you use it for?

I would tell them that the atoms of out bodies are traceable to stars that manufactured them in their cores and exploded these enriched ingredients across our galaxy, billions of years ago. For this reason, we are biologically connected to every other living thing in the world. We are chemically connected to all molecules on Earth. And we are atomically connected to all atoms in the universe. We are not figuratively, but literally stardust.

Neil deGrasse Tyson answering question from user-

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