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Go to tell your 16 yr. old self something

Oh fuck dude, where do I begin? Lemme see….

You’re not at all fat! Actually as it turns out, you are very handsome but just got lied to by people that should have been protecting you but instead destroyed you. Keep repeating over and over until you believe it the truth: you are aren’t fat. You’re very handsome and a really good guy. I am so fucking proud of you. Do you know that?

And what do you want to be? What do you want to do? And I don’t mean smoke pot all the time and get drunk. What else? You’re a great writer but your still illiterate technically at 16. You’re writing is like a really creative mess. Ask for help. I want you to apply yourself and if you do you will be so happy, I promise. Apply yourself, please? If you do? You can still smoke pot. Okay?

And pretty soon you’re gonna need therapy and I want you to start whenever you feel up to it, okay? You’re depressive, buddy. A big cute depressive guy. I want you to get help, okay? Check out ACOA and IBP therapy…get a head start cause your 30ies will be a fucking ride and a half :-/

But I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of how you end up fighting through your depression and changed your life. I’m so proud of how good you are at heart and how you removed those defense mechanisms and let people love you. You can do anything buddy, so don’t ever sell yourself short and start writing more and you’ll be so happy.

I love you

Posted in Adult Children, Guyland, Rant, Uncategorized, Zombie Philosophy | Comments Off on Go to tell your 16 yr. old self something

People are cruel

A friend of mine was having a bad day:

That’s all I see lately. Is people hating each other. It feels like these are certain people who go looking for prey. I’m writing this because I saw someone just be a plain asshole and insult someone else for no real reason. I fucking hate humans. It’s so god damn hard to humble yourself when most of the world is lurking around for people to belittle.

The key for you would be to find away to believe the truth of the following axiom:

Don’t Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

That quote and the other three ‘agreements’ can show a person, if followed closely, how to avoid the pain and morass of what seems like a cruel world. The truth is that nothing that others do can hurt you if you don’t let it.

The story is the same be it Buddhism or Toltec or any of the new thought religions – the only thing we really control is our own reaction. Everything else that is outside of us is not our business nor does it have to be taken to heart.

People are cruel because inside them is a hurt and sad little child and they are miserable and angry. This helped me to let go of the crap they tossed at me…but it’s hard and everyday I have to remind myself that I like me and that is all that matters.

Posted in Adult Children, Uncategorized, Zombie Life, Zombie Philosophy | 1 Comment

Osho on facing Change in your life

Osho is amazing:

This is my observation, that one should never make an effort to change anything because that effort is going to make things difficult rather than easy.

Osho has to be my favorite philosopher because he takes the best from all disciplines and only seems interested in finding the ‘right’ answer as opposed to the one that works within his personal ethos or religion. He is infamous for going against the grain of his own disciplines to find the way to help human beings learn how to live.

When I read it it hearkens back to all years I spent undoing the damage of my childhood and redoing the subtle lessons that add up to make us the persons that we are. But change that’s as old as the person can be difficult especially when it comes to changing those ancient habits. Osho explains:

Your mind is attached to something, and now the same mind tries to detach itself. At the most it can repress, but it can never become a real detachment. For the real detachment to happen, the mind has to understand why the attachment is there. There is no need to be in a hurry to drop it; rather, see why it is there.

The mind cannot just ‘let go’ or ‘forget about’ the thing that you want changed. That’s not how this impressive organ in our skull works. The person looking for change must first figure out WHY their brain harbors such an attachment to the habit to begin with.

Just look into the mechanism, how it works, how it has come in: what circumstances, what unawareness has helped it to be there. Just understand everything around it. Don’t be in a hurry to drop it, because people who are in a hurry to drop things don’t give themselves enough time to understand them.

For example, let’s take my drinking. I could have just stopped drinking cold turkey and gotten into AA and quit. Instead I got into therapy and consumed book after book on what made alcoholics tick. I examined my family life and found all the reasons that my personality type is drawn to booze. After learning all I could and examining my motives in therapy I was able to see why I was so attached to drinking:

Sober 7 years.

Once you understand, suddenly you see that it is slipping our of your hands; so there is no need to drop it.

So true. As I learned more and more, the fear attached to drinking and quitting drinking became less and less severe. The more I learned the less bite my need to drink had and the less I actually longed for a drink. It was like knowledge and honesty take all the power out of habits.

Nothing is there for any other reason other than misunderstanding. Something has been misunderstood; hence it is there. Understand it rightly and it disappears. All that is creating trouble is just like the darkness. bring light to it – and simply light, because with the very presence of light, darkness no longer exists.

Brilliant. I’m telling you it works. A habit, no matter the size, the veracity or the subtlety can be fixed or changed just by shining light, being understood, being examined- in this way you can stop trying, stop fixing and stop shoving to stop yourself from doing something. All you have to do is learn everything you can about the habit then watch it slip away like a dream.

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Letter to a Young Man

Honestly? If I were you, I wouldn’t listen to me.

Have you ever heard the expression, “No one can tell me what to do”? There’s a companion expression used by recovery groups (alcohol, drugs, behavior): “No one can tell me what to do, not even myself.” It refers to the behavioral phenomena of not being able to stop one’s own destructive behavior, even when it means pain, sadness or loss.

But there’s also another way to look at that expression. ‘No one can tell me what to do” can also refer to the fire to be the best and can breed a healthy distrust of beliefs, people and especially government that ultimately leads to our greatest advances and strongest individuals throughout history.

The power that lies behind this expression can be cultivated into a miraculous tool as an individual can at once lift this ban (on what people tell you) to collect valuable information and skills that allow you to not have to start from scratch while at the same time keeping a healthy ‘distrust’ for bad information, bad people and mis-truth.

There is a balance. ‘No one can tell me what to do’ is a behavior that in any one of the extremes (never listen, niave) is very detrimental to an ease of living and can stop advancement in career, love and life. But in the right amounts at the right time, anything is possible.

As I moved forward in life and started recovering from a hard childhood, this topic came to be a central issue in the move forward to a healthier, happier me. Real change started when I understood how this dichotomy worked. I was better for being able to allow some more things in and leave other things out.

But I wouldn’t listen to me if I were you because no one can tell me…

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Do you really know how big your car is? Well, How about your body?

It’s like when someone is trying to help you parallel park and they are waving you back and you think “damn, that’s getting too close” and they are looking right at the space imploring you, begging you to “come on back!”. But you’re convinced you have no room and flip it into drive to go that 1 inch forward and back one inch, on and on…

Truth is, we have no idea how big our car is. We don’t know how it fills up a lane on the street or a parking space. We don’t know how much room we have when we turn or when we try to maneuver around someone. A friend of mind related a story about how his dad (a car salesman) taught him that when he got a new car he was to find a place where he could park the car in a road lane (safely) and see exactly how much of the lane the car took.

I tried this and was aghast. I have a skinny old truck and the damn thing was about half the size of the lane. What I had thought was a large sized vehicle was actually pretty tiny.

This scene is all too familiar, right? And you want to know something? This phenomena is exactly what my moderate case of Body Dysmorphia is like. It’s like thinking your driving an enormous car (my body) and trying to squeeze it into a very small, compact parking space (usually my clothes.)

Here’s a quick definition of Body Dysmorphia:

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is characterized by an excessive preoccupation with a real or imagined defect in one’s own physical appearance.

and this defect:

We imagine it (body issue) is often much worse than it is until it gets to the point where it is hard to feel comfortable mixing and even talking with other people without worrying about how we look.(1 Infrapsych)

Mine is my stomach and breasts. For a girl I have smallish breasts…but I’m a guy and it’s not okay in this day and age of perfect and TV. Everyday I battle my own dysmorphia which has been likened to a form of hallucination.

And it’s taken me most of my life just to admit it because heaven forbid a MAN would have any of these ‘girly’ problems. But guys do have it and at an ever increasing rate.

Recently I lost 20 pounds and two pants sizes. Doing this has been a mixed bag. While it is great and I am loving the way I look and feel, I am further plunged into confusion as my already twisted self-perception is turned on its ear and my true self-reflection becomes even more muddied.

What to do?

I have lots of mirrors in my apartment which I am forcing myself to stop and look full on at myself to help dispel my misconceptions. I am also going to a gym so i can see other men and what their bodies look like (without being accused of being gay.)

I am soliciting the perceptions of close friends on how they perceive me (turns out, most of them couldn’t even entertain the idea that I had ever been ‘big’.) I am also looking to a personal trainer to help me tone my body and get a fresh perspective on the truth.

I also have an excellent IBP therapist that is very effective in treating both mind and body. Together we are exploring my body perceptions and their relationship to my childhood and where these perception came from.

So really, if your gonna drive the thing around and show it off to the world, you really should understand and know exactly how big this ‘vehicle’ of yours really is 😉


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Mainstream Religion

Admittedly reddit is quite vocal about atheism. However, I am a christian and I know there must be others on this site. What book of the Bible do you find most important, and for atheists, which book do you find most offensive?

What book? I’d say we need a new book. The book you speak of is sooo old and sooo manipulated, who knows what parts were really the ‘word of God’ and which parts are the work of some Roman ruler or a Pope we don’t remember.

Look, I love Jesus, I think he was an amazing man with some beautiful ideas, but your followers these days, do none of the things that Jesus triumphed like loving all neighbors and eschewing violence and abject greed. We need another telling or another book or maybe another religion.

How about a religion where the user is at even par with the host and is an essential component to the creative process as opposed to a leaf in the spiritual wind?

How about a God that has NO interest in us other than to give us exactly what we ask for. How about a God that does not judge, does not make rules and does not punish based on 4000 yr old rules that have come to pass as important issues.

How about placing the human at the center of the spiritual Universe, at work on their lives in conjunction with the God as opposed to only subject to some celestial whim.

How about the idea that we are an earth bound God, on par with the God of the Universe and responsible 100% for each and every thing that happens in our lives based on what our mind, our creative spirit creates in connection to this God.

What then?

My problem with Christianity and most other ancient religions is that they were developed and then we spent the last 2000yrs evolving mentally away from those tenets.

And now we must make some choices as to the role we play in the Universe, in our life’s constant creation. We can choose to ignore the responsibility we have to this creative process and continue to think we are at the whim of some not-so-benevolent ruler in the sky or we can start accepting the responsibility and start creating the world we really want to live in.

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Are too many people being diagnosed as having depression?

Professor Gordon Parker, a psychiatrist from Australia says the current threshold for what is considered to be ‘clinical depression’ is too low. He fears it could lead to a diagnosis of depression becoming less credible.*

NO! Too many people HAVE depression. We are waking up to the fact that a large portion of the population shares a low level depression caused by the racing pressure of keeping up with our world and our technology:

*inundation *abandonment *childhood injuries never dealt with *financial stress *marital stress

all handed down by society and our parents. Any combination of these type of common stresses can raise a person’s level of depression to an unhealthy status. And we wonder why heart disease and blood pressure problems dominate health statistics…

Some important resources:

I’m going to look for sources now, but you actually could not possibly be more wrong. Recent studies (actual studies by neurobiologists showing mechanism, not pseudoscience sociology pieces) show that modern society does not provide the extreme crises that past society did. We rarely face life-or-death decisions. And the brain is made for them and does not develop properly without them. Just look at how adolescents are sheltered. Their frontal lobe is fired up in full-on mode and they’re tasked with learning how to deal with it and we do everything in our power to make sure they aren’t exposed to even the most trivially emotionally challenging experiences. The research is less than a year old, but very promising.

Look, while you run and research (which maybe you should have done before replying) I will remind you that I am addressing the topic of the article that is undercutting the truth that there are more openly depressed people now than at any other time in our history.

My agenda was to argue back at the article that there is NOT ENOUGH attention paid to the subtle form of depression that when layered together form a more massive depression.

While you are researching look up:

  1. fragmentation
  2. disconnect
  3. interior somatic awareness
  4. technological mastery

I really am not trying to argue about this stuff. While you may have read an article somewhere that disagrees, I lived through the uncoupling of a massive depression that stems from ancient issues and current issues combined.

We can both be right about the WHYs of how the depression got there and I certainly am interested in the results you find but the part you skipped over, I guess, was where I was addressing the articles attempt to undercut what is a world wide epidemic of depression.


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Daylight Noir, 8:40 AM

A Street cleaner
blocks traffic
and kicks dust
on the hazy gloom
of this foggy spring-hot
June morning. 8:45, Tuesday.

I follow you home,
watch from a nearby
doorway, naked
under my trenchcoat
you entered
strange houses before
and removed your clothes
and made love to someone
you didn’t know…8:55 AM

You bought guns and pop
then left town to discover
a murder spree
of your own, I shadowed,
swallowed you for miles
and watched
Santa Ana destruction.
I live on gas station
coffee and hot dogs
and sleep on the steering wheel.
9:00 AM, still tuesday

Still air and the quiet
of a city struggling
to keep me under
your thumb. I bathe
In gas station sinks
and I do it with
an utter sense

of that fog that drifts
through the city.
I lose site of your car then turn off onto my own street.
9:05 AM Tuesday.

Home is where you’re not. I’ll start there.

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Awesome Prank at Best Buy store

This is a link to a prank performed by improveeverywhere…

It is civil disobedience!


Sheer annoyance. Skirting the laws. public displays. we are here, we are waking up. We are becoming self-aware in ways that the government doesn’t understand. This may be a small and seemingly silly act by a group of people, but really, this is a way to push back without getting angry or getting arrested.

Testing the waters of civil disobedience.

Push back against what? Sounds more like a bunch of privileged, self-important wankers trying to justify their goofing off.

ETA: “Civil disobedience without getting arrested” isn’t civil disobedience.

That sounds like a comment based in the judeo-christian work ethic that basically states that all people must have a job, must follow the party line and must work towards state sponsored goals to have any value to society.

I would rather see some people spend their time like this, challenging mores and societal rules, as opposed to flowing along like sheep in the pen waiting for the next morsel from big brother.

Imagination is key here. BTW, who said there is a hard and fast rules on what is and isn’t civil diobedience?

That would be the opposite of civil disobedience. How can there be so many rules for an idea that is based in lawlessness and anarchistic models…

Anything that rattles the establisment (govt and corporations) seems like a good thing to me.

No, it’s based in anti-elitism and a resentment of privileged folks (mostly white boys with too much money and free time) deciding that they get to elect themselves arbiters of what the “sheep” should care about, and that obnoxious pranks take on social importance when they’re in on them.

I feel that your comment is based on all the particpants being bored white rich kids. If you watch the video of the ‘prank’, there are young women (20s), older women (30s) older man (50) and his two daughters (12)…are they elitist? Maybe…you totally have a point about being bored. This could be a bored prank thats fair. But not to an American right now. It means more right now.

At its very worst this ‘prank’ reminds us, as a society, to keep a sense of disobedience against the State, the governing power, or you get things like this disastorous Bush regime, lawless corporations and the ongoing rape of the Earth.

Know what I mean?

I, being American, want a revolution right now! If you are an American under the age of 50, any sign of a fucking pulse from your fellow Americans is a piece of utter Hope…

Just the idea that we may wake up from this corporate takeover, this globalization, this malaise :(

Thank you elitist rich white bored kids…

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Too Late…

It’s too late for me, go on without me…
No really, I’ll hold them off. You go, save


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