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Sleepy and Sound

And home
and back…

But who would notice?

Nothing but us zombies here.

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Zombie alert

I woke up four years ago.
quit alcohol and cigs
broke up with my girlfriend
and started a very comprehensive therapy
that teaches the person the things they never were taught.

Why? Cause as I got older (37), inside I was an
emotional cripple, a child
that looks for ways to feel rejection and sadness-
a sadness addict that never progressed.

Now, four years later, four long years,
four years of no outside love
no physical touch, I am ready for love.
I need love. I am better and ready.

But of course the old stuff still lurks and trips me up.

Still picking unavailable people, only now I know when it happens.
And now I have to stop, where as before I would hang on. This
is progress, I have to move on.

But it still hurts. I still feel like dying.
cause this person is with someone else.

Dammit old ways, you will change!

I’m better than this!
C’mon me!

You can do this, Me! You can be patient, you will be happy!
Be patient, have fun, let go. This is not the end of the world!

I know you can!

I know you can!

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Stay Now…

Staying in the ‘Now’ is probably my most subtle
and most dramatic fight. I can project (protect) myself
to anticipate what is coming so easily that it has
always been second nature to race into the future.

Even now as I write this and am depressed about
something entirely unrelated, I struggle to stay with this
writing, this narrative and find myself having to stop
and come back to where I had just left off…

And it has been called Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
or just brushed off as the MTV Generation but I know that
that is too easy. I watch my friends that I know are like this
and can see the same thing as we talk and hit a ‘touchy’

subject, I watch them floating down the mental ‘street’
and wanna grab them and shake them and yell ‘stay here’!
But I can’t fix them and I am usually off in the other mental
‘direction’ running away. Talk about 2 people not connecting…

And where is this that I am going? It’s important to realize where
I am going. To anticipate something that may or may not happen
and to waste my mental energy on something that is so far away from
the beauty going on around me…

In therapy (going on 3 years) my therapist and I are keenly aware
of this running away and address it as it happens. She will let me go and
ask me where I am to understand where I go…but she also let’s me bring
myself back to get into the habit of fixing it myself. I know most of the

‘keys’ that result in me running off in my mind and have kinda been
able to learn to stay present most of the time. But even just writing this
passage, I find myself anticipating my morning, the day ahead,
this week! And so I stop and start breathing, recognizing what’s going on

and I’m back, but for how long?

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Meaning

perception
and the power of thought
creating reality
how is matter created
and last but not least
eyesight

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Sonic Youth – The Wiltern – Sept 28, 2006

Wow…nothing better than seeing the greatest rock band in the world do their shit.

They have been ripping chords like this since the late 70s and 20 albums later their stuff is still cutting edge and considered experimental.

They taught me banality
They taught me creativity, passion
and what cool really is…

if you read this and have never listened to any of their music then get the new one “Rather Ripped” – amazing.

PS: This was the first time I ever went to a concert by myself. Aren’t you proud of me!!!

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Los Angeles Fog

Shh…

that white layer has descended
again, the bookmarks surrounding
summer. The muffle, the pillow
gagging the breath from morning.

Cool basin, nestled and sucking
the milky thumb – cold smooth.

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day

Mad at people around me for having fun.
It’s not fair when I’m unhappy-
these are the unilateral contracts
that they don’t even know I made them sign.

I can project “get the fuck away from me”
without so much as a word or even a look.

Thus is the life of a zombie,
cheers to the one who dreads weekends.

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