Archive for Zombie Life

Discovery of the Lotus Flower

Was lost somewhere near Magnolia and Glen
Oaks at the bottom of a very dry
mountain and wedged above an underwhelming
indoor mall when I discovered a
lotus flower floating in a pool of chlorine.

And I plucked her from the fumes and hid
her among the lesser vegetation then watched
as it caused a landslide that carried us
down into the Deer Canyon debris basin.
But through it all she bloomed as I stared in awe.


But you’re too smart for that. You’re all
Buddhists and business, numbers and quantum
physics finding Shakyamuni in the scatter
of the Universe’s own red shifted light. You traced
your lineage back to the same black hole where

we always met up. It was our event horizon, our
costumes of space adventurers. You were the princess
and I was the smuggler and I got jealous when you
took a picture with that space alien. He didn’t
know you. He didn’t know you had lived an entire

lifetime before I found you, always blooming and
seeding at the same. Such a perfect flower, such a majestic
purpose and I wasn’t about to let some alien move in.
We fled to Ikea and hid among the throngs, among
the fellow holograms living on the edge of love.

I realized you were the cause and effect of an entire
Universe that I was just starting to understand.
I closed my dating website account that night.

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I was always told how much of a genius I was. I was always assured I could do anything I wanted and could do things other people couldn’t. They put me in all the best elementary school programs and gave me all the attention a budding genius could ask for. They even told me my IQ score and let everyone know how brilliant I really was. The bullshit flowed and smoke was absolutely being blown up my naive ass.

Then it all fell apart. Somewhere around middle school the support ended and these stewards of mine withdrew their support. The middle school I went to was ranked as some of the worst in the nation and gangs ruled the school (yes, even in middle school). Bullies were more prevalent than teachers and support staff. I became hardened and spent a lot of time on the absentee list. I became disinterested and stopped studying. My life morphed into a latch key existence – a swirl of domestic violence and self preservation – where I strived to just get by and survive as opposed to thrive.

Little did I know how far behind the eight ball I was falling. I didn’t then understand the learning disabilities growing in me nor realized that alcoholic, latch key parents having to work ridiculous hours would have massively broken results in my adulthood. No one celebrates the cessation of your normal childhood development. Nobody touts that you can’t socialize or make friends or that you wouldn’t know how to date if your life depended on it. How could they when they didn’t even realize you weren’t actually going to school save the days the school gave their cookie cutter tests. I was a broken human being at this point and how I squeaked into college was a comedy of systemic errors.

And luckily, college was where, after three years of scraping by, I would be diagnosed as being functionally illiterate.

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Been a long time

Missed you and thinking about you but when I go to write it just doesn’t feel right and I close out. For a long time I didn’t even know the password to get in so I just changed it and here I am.

Funny how important you were when I was sicker and weaker and was lost in my own little world. I wrote and wrote and added video and made up all kinds of stuff to add to this place but these days, I dunno, I feel like I have to save my energy for other things and so you sit here languishing. And even now, I’m not really sure what I could add?

Don’t be mad. I’ll be back some day and give you what you so deeply deserve but for right now, I am putting my time into other places that just don’t include you.

Much love


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I am immature

I may be 44 (gasp) but I know that on the inside, I’m really nowhere near that age. Probably more like 20ies which is a huge gain from where I was a decade ago.

When I first started my recovery, when I was about 33, I was no more than a 13 year old on the inside, maturity level and all. And had all the trappings of a early teen; making the same mistakes, feeling the same irrational emotions and beating my head against the same walls a kid that age would beat.

But even with my recovery and all the excellent work I have done to be my own good parent and raise my inner age to something more appropriate for an adult, I am still immature and still feel more comfortable around people in their 20ies. And that’s frustrating when you are 44 and really should be interacting with professionals.

But I will carry on and continue to pursue my human revolution that will at some point, I hope, lead me to a time when my inner age reflects more closely with my chronological age.

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Gray kitty cat

Goodbye Gray.

Gray was my cat for 17 years and was an amazing animal.

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Problems with Linear Time

Yet the great weakness of linear time is that it obliterates time’s recurrence and thus cuts people off from the eternal – whether in nature, in each other, or in ourselves. When we deem our social destiny entirely self-directed and out personal lives self-made, we lose any sense of participating in a collective myth larger than ourselves. We cannot ritually join with those who come before and after us. Situating us at some intermediate moment eons away from both the beginning and the end of history, linear time leaves us alone, restless, afraid to stand still lest we discover something horrible about ourselves. Most Americans would agree with Mary McCarthy that “The happy ending is our national belief” – but few of us have any idea what we would do if we ever got there.

“The Fourth Turning – An American Prophesy” – William Strauss and Neil Howe

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Kim, Will and the Revenge of the Living Dead (9:47- Short)

Kim and Will live on neighboring farms, stuck behind the fences that keep the plague of zombies from killing them. Will they be able to explore their budding love or will they succumb to the revenge of the living dead?

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More on unilateral contracts

I am terrified to have children because the thought broils through my head that I may pass on the cycle of violence that was inflicted on me. I have severe violent impulses when I get fragmented and inundated by things around me. Many times I have wanted to beat the crap out of my cat for crying at the wrong time.

I learned violence from being abused. When abused my mind would fragment and I would rush off, mentally, to a safe place. This fragmentation was there to keep me safe but all it does now, as a learned habit, is avoid the problem and expose me to what I learned as a child through direct interaction – violence.

Fragmentation is the art of escaping the moment and sadly, the moment, is the only true place one can live happily. I strive to be in the now, in the moment but, I fragment very often and the moment is lost until I refocus.

I really am a healthier zombie but, a zombie nonetheless and with that these ancient habits sit waiting to spring to life. Fragmentation is the root of all evil. The innocuous psychiatric phenomena of personality fragmentation was there to protect me and is now only here out of habit. And it does not help me as an adult.

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All this fixing and still broken

Years of hard work, changing habits, examining motives, understand tendencies and using the tools I have found to make myself more whole; to help myself be an adult on the inside…all of that and more yet, I get this far only to realize there’s an enormous part of me that’s still a fucking child.

Oh how frustrating this discovery is, that I, when motivated by the right external forces, revert back to the depressive, challenged and brokenhearted kid that has dominated my life for its entire existence.

Feeling my thoughts go back to that awful rumination, that inability to see the truth and going into that place where nobody likes me, everyone hates me and all I am left with is eating worms is harrowing. Seriously though, how disheartening to realize all of this recovery has to happen on several concurrent platforms of my identity, some of which I didn’t realize were lacking. I’ve made great strides in professionalism, self-interests, socialization, friend making, appearance, expectations, planning, my money…but then to get blindsided by another plank of my person that I forgot to experience and grow is as frustrating as all hell.

Ugh! This is love? I forgot about love! How could I forget that emotion?

So here we go again, back to the slow slog of change, back to the road to recovery and once again to feeling things long dormant that must be felt and experienced while making subtle changes to get to a place where I can feel and be whole again. Thank you Universe for reminding me that my job is nowhere near finished.

And thank you to an old friend for reminding me about this part of me that I have been avoiding. You woke me up and now I can’t go back again. You brought me joy which I turned into pain, that has always been my way. Without you I’d just be in denial. Mad mad props.

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How come he doesn’t want me

Everything I could ever say about my father is said in this clip:

I don’t necessarily blame him because his father did the same to him but, without the ability to express it to him, this clip is all I have. Feelings of abandonment are the hardest to face. They reside in the darkest holes and deepest pits of our psyche. Thanks to the Fresh Prince, I can cry about it now.

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