I feel like I need to explain things to you
about me, so maybe you could look at me differently
than you do right now.
I know you need to protect the world from me, why not?
I’m pretty mean and nasty especially in the current
state of depression that has gripped me.
Not to mention protect yourself from this unreasonable
person (me) that exudes anger and nastiness. It’s only natural
to reflect back that anger, mirror that anger right back!
But maybe if you knew what was going on with me, inside
me, you wouldn’t be so quick to judge and would be able to
have sympathy for the impossible predicament I am in:
I’ve been massively depressed; sad. I am full of self-hatred,
full of doubt and loneliness. I don’t know how to treat friends
and am baffled why the ones I have cannot reach out to me.
I am a little boy inside, a latch-key kid that is still home alone,
terrified of the world outside yet desparate for some kind of
interaction and love; addicted to the solitude, but wanting to go out.
So all day long at work, I’m trying to stuff this sadness but when
I do that it comes out as anger. Maybe if I just cried uncontrollably
I would feel better, but really that’s not an option…
And here we go, another weekend with nothing to do,
another weekend of friends that won’t commit, of plans
that cancel and loneliness that eats at me.
This is my reality, my responsibility and my choice…
But maybe you could take it less personally knowing
that this mood is just my insides crying out in a time
where I am learning to create a better reality for myself.
This is the hardest part for me in all of this recovery
because I am opening up for the first time. So, I totally understand
the need to protect, it is right. But maybe it lessens the intensity a bit
knowing how sad I am inside and how much it isn’t meant for you.
It’s hard to ask for patience with me…