Holidays can go fuck themselves. They don’t like me much and I don’t like them.
This is my karmic reprisal for cleaning up on Christmas as a child. My mother hated my father and would often spend obscene amounts on me for Christmas just to piss him off and boy did it ever. He would stare with his mouth agape, jaw scraping the carpet and eyes bulging as I would plow through a massive pile of goods on those mornings of December realizing that all of his hard-earned cash was now going into my toy box.
So I accept the karmic slap down but do so with a heavy heart. I mean, I have really done a lot of work in the last half-dozen years on myself: quit drinking, smoking, stopped carrying on with damaged women and re-did my life based on strong central morals and honesty! You would think that I’d have broken past this karma-pain a while back, but no, not yet.
These days the holidays are lonely as hell. Los Angeles, with its 18 million people- it shouldn’t be so easy to be alone and have nothing to do but I find a way. I find a way to be utterly alone, I find a way to not see anyone for several days; I find it easy as pie to float through this new born life like the invisible man or a ghost.
And what I really hate is having to answer the dreaded question of “how were your holidays?”, knowing that they sucked and not necessarily wanting to lay a heavy guilt trip on some fucker that had a joyous time, I have to lie – and I don’t want to lie anymore. I don’t blame others that had a good time as they aren’t at fault.
- I could blame that I quit drinking and have yet to figure out how to make friends and find love without being hammered.
- I could blame that I am more mature and have higher standards for myself
- I could just suck it up and wait for times to get better
But I don’t wanna be alone all the time, anymore. I used to as a defense mechanism, constantly be alone but now that that part of me no longer needs such a devout protection system, I want to be with people and be in groups; listen to people talk; blather endlessly about politics, cry about injustice and smile when the weather gets brought up.
No more self-pity, no more hiding out, no more fear and no more waiting for others to do my life. I am my own change and I want a better holiday season this year.