From a fellow ACOAer:
This is not like me, and it’s bothering me… I’m “dual diagnosis” (both A and ACA) and I’m coming up to a year in recovery, for both as they are part parcel the same thing… Been doing really well, feeling good, gaining in strength, peace, acceptance, spirituality etc…
I started to feel a bit blue and tired about 3 weeks ago, though nothing of it “this too shall pass” but it seems to have progressively got worse and now I seem to be quite depressed even, still tired, fed up…. nothing going on in my life I can see, no problems (I think), but it’s got to the stage where I feel like things might be going wrong. I’m still working the program, going to meetings, praying, but I just feel like I’m slipping down a hole and I can’t stop it (even by handing it over)….
One thing i have actually realized about my depression that
flies a little in the face of the traditional “let go and let God”
is that no one, I repeat, no one but me is gonna clean up
my perceptions. As I go along through this world and realize
that I am an Adult Child, I keep hitting these problem areas
where I am blindsided by my childhood perceptions…
…now, I have always had a hard time with my weight, always
thinking like the child that was repeatedly told he was fat. So I
got a set of pictures back from the developer and saw myself-
I looked fat-
The minuite I saw them, i got a cold sweat and fragmented…it cast
a shadow over me. At the time I didn’t realize the severity of the
fragmentation and then later, that it was affecting me three
weeks later…like a filmy, dirty windshield, my perception of the rest
of my life was coated by this one issue not being resolved.
So the last couple weeks I’ve remained depressed even though I
couldn’t remember the reason why…and everything else that
went wrong since then (minor things) were colored by this 3 week
old perception NOT BEING CLEARED UP. And those minor problems
become huge problems…depression.
In therpay, we went back to the origiginal hurt (looking at my pictures)
and looked at how the past affected that moment
(being called fat all my life). We then logically looked
at whether I really was fat and what the pictures looked like and I
realize that in a knee jerk manner I had looked at the pictures
and judged them like I had been judged as a child.
Just connecting the current incident with the one from childhood
lessened the hurt, the sting of the current incident. Everything
lightened up a bit as I cleaned my perceptual screen.
I feel better now, but I always have to be on guard for the
mis-perceptions that come along and trigger my childhood reaction.
I guess the moral to this story is that I would be so much worse
off if I didn’t go back to these incidents and re-examine what
happened when I opened that package of pictures.
You mentioned, “I started to feel a bit blue and tired about
3 weeks ago” and if that were me I would look to see what
that incident was 3 weeks ago and see how that
related to a childhood hurt.
We can work this stuff if given the right tools and knowledge…