Surrogate

A person or animal that functions as a substitute for another, as in a social or family role.

That’s me. I’m the surrogate guy (zombie). That’s where I feel comfortable, that’s the role I feel comfortable in. Gimme a girl that has a long distance boyfriend or a girl with an emotionally unavailable guy and I fit right in. It’s perfect for me cause I can have them, without them wanting anything from me. In my fake world where I am always being overwhelmed by people, being innundated by people, these relationships are what suits me.

See it goes back to my mom. She hated my dad and he hated her. They led separate lives only working together which drove them farther and farther apart. Now nature hates a vaccuum so before I could make a contrary decision, mom had already unconsciously slotted me in as her new hubby.

We used to do all kinds of fun things (nothing sexual cause this isn’t about sex, this is about roles and lonliness). Being that I was incredibly smart, she would unload all of her issues on me and like any good man, I would fix them – cept I was like 8 or 9. Pretty soon, I was comfortable being her therapist and being the man of the house. To the point that I would try to intervene bwteen her and my father’s drunken fights. The worst part was when they would reconcile for a few brief days – I never knew that jealousy and abandonment could get that high.

The closest and worst it got to being sexual was when I would come home as a teenager, late at night, and mom would be listening to her old 45s, dancing around and singing. She always wanted me to dance with her, she always had those eyes…even as a young teen I knew what they meant and felt like I was gonna crawl from my skin.

I’m 37 now and just starting to crawl out from under this weight. It has colored all my relationships since with massive feelings of abandonment, enmeshment, jealousy and morbid depression. A child should never be in a position to feel superior to their parents. A child should never be in a role that takes them from being the child and gives them the same repsonsibilities as the adults.

A child is a child. Let them stay that way.

And now I am not a surrogate. I refuse those types of relationship no matter how comfortable they feel.

I will only be the original, I will only be the principle.

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